Morning at Martha's Farm

One year ago today, Willow was delivered to me at Martha's farm.. I drove out there early this morning and surprised Martha. I brought Martha a small, handmade painting of a Friesian horse on old barn wood.  I also brought the old Faith sign that I kept on Willow's stall door, and I hung it back up. Martha gave me a big hug, and we spent some time together right there in Willow's stall.

I don't think I'll ever be able to express just how grateful I am to Martha for all she did for Willow... and for me.  Mostly though, for loving Willow with her whole heart. Willow has brought many gifts to my life... and one of the greatest gifts is Martha's friendship.  Yes, we were friends before, but our friendship has grown so much during our journey with Willow and even now many months after her death.  Martha has done amazing things for our horses, but truly the most amazing thing is what she has done for my soul and for my faith.  I appreciate and admire her so much... she is sure proof of God's love.  And I am the fortunate witness...  and the very lucky recipient of her guidance, encouragement and unwavering love.

I cried plenty of tears this morning- happy tears because I am so thankful for the time I had with Willow and for everything our journey together has meant to me. And look who showed up right when I was about to leave... Abigail! Willow's best kitty friend... such a sweet kitty. I really feel like Willow was there today too... right there with us. In fact, I know she was.

Prayers for Ada

I woke up early again this morning... with a sick, sad feeling in my heart.  And I realized, it has been exactly one month since Willow passed away...

The weather is supposed to be beautiful today... over 80 degrees and sunny.  But when I look outside, all I see is a dark, cloudy sky.

I asked Martha to come early so that we could work with The Prince a bit after Mirabella's lesson and so she could check out the new barn we built for the geldings in the back pasture.  I was so looking forward to spending the first half of the day in the sunshine with Martha.  We have been working on a list about Willow- everything she tried to teach us - so I thought we could finalize the list today.

But Martha just called.  I knew something was wrong right when I heard her voice.  "It's Ada," she said... "She's down in the field, just like Alice was... and she's struggling.  We are going to have to put her down..."    Poor, sweet old Ada... what a beautiful soul.  And was always so grateful that she was a faithful friend to Willow while she was at Martha's farm.  I hated to hear that she was down and that she had probably broken her shoulder... just like Willow had.

The tears came fast and I told Martha that I was on my way to come be with her.  After what Martha did for me just one month ago today with Willow, it was the least I could do.  I just pictured her in the pasture trying to comfort sweet Ada until the vet could arrive... not knowing when that would be.  At first, Martha said it was fine, but then she told me not to come.  She said Ada's owner Michelle was on her way and that she had other friends already at the farm.  She said she didn't want me to see Ada that way... that it wasn't pretty or peaceful.  She knows my heart is still raw from the pain of losing Willow, and she wanted to spare me seeing the process.  Ada is struggling in the field right now, and Martha is having a hard time pacifying her.  She can't give her anything that might interfere with the sedation and drugs the vet will give her.  Martha is so strong, but I can tell she is sad...  Still, she told me how blessed she was to have Ada in her life, and she told me how much she'd learned from Ada.  She said it was Ada's time to go and be with her sister and to be with God.  So I asked her to please kiss Ada for me.  And I asked her to ask Ada to say hi to Willow when she sees her in Heaven...

Martha rescues Ada in 2008

What is it about a horse's life that is so epic to me?  They all seem to have such a story to tell.  Ada and her sister Alice's story is an amazing one.  The newspaper article about Martha and these two amazing mares hangs framed on the tackroom wall in Martha's barn.  I've written about them a couple times here...  (here is when Alice passed  http://www.velvetwillow.com/2013/01/a-sad-day-at-marthas-farm.html).  I'm quite sure they will bury Ada right next to Alice in the field...

Ada is in her late 30's... if she were a woman, she'd be over 100 years old.  Yes, it may be her time but it breaks my heart to think of her in pain and struggling at this moment.  And I also ache for Martha's heart...    Prayers for both of them.   It's going to be a long morning...

Missing Martha's Farm!

As much as I love having Willow home with me, I'm missing everything about Martha's farm.  I miss the barn cats (this is Miriam... Abigail's mother), the gorgeous barn light, the drive in the country, the other horses and boarders, etc.  Mostly, though... I miss Martha.  ♥  We have always been friends, but we have really gotten close these past few months...  I am so blessed to have her as a trainer, consultant, and friend.  I am so grateful for everything she has done... not only for Willow, but also for me.  I will never forget all the long talks, stories, and songs we shared out at her farm... or how lovingly she tended to Willow when she struggled.  Beautiful on the outside, and even moreso on the inside, Martha is truly an angel... one of the many blessings from my journey with Willow. ♥ 

Willow Update

Willow comes home in a week!  I've been so busy trying to finish personal and work projects...  I almost feel like I'm nesting. :) 

It has been six days since any of us have witnessed Willow struggle to swallow or choke at all.  It doesn't mean she hasn't, but Martha feels so optimistic that we haven't seen it.  I must admit, so do I.  Maybe the EPM medicine is kicking in, and the choking is getting better because it was EPM related... we just don't know.  We do know that she never had EPM or swallowing issues when Nancy owned her, so somehow the choking developed over the last four years.  Of course now we know she has EPM, ulcers and of course the starvation & muscle wasting (from the EPM) too.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this before... maybe because it's too painful to even think of for me.  But once someone asked the farmhand at that awful dressage trainer's farm what they would do when Willow would choke... how they would handle it.  Their reply:  "We punch her in the throat."   I think part of my heart died when I heard that... and I feel sick thinking about it.  Sick. And so so sad.  It's a miracle Willow even lets us near her now when she is struggling...  amazing that she trusts us and lets us gently massage her throat and hug her and sing to her during these times.  Punch her throat?  That kills me... :(

Another thing we learned was that Willow was found in a tiny paddock far away from the herd that was left to fight and mate freely in the field.  It's probably a good thing that she didn't have to fight for the little food or water that she had.   We are thinking that is why Willow doesn't seem to bond with any of the other horses and seems to want none of them anywhere around her (or me).  For that reason, we have decided that in the interest of keeping her stress level at a minimum, we are going to keep Paloma and Charlie in a separate pasture / barn for now.  Willow will have her stall, dry lot and large pasture and can come and go freely.  And I think I might set up a table and in the stall next to hers which opens to her pasture.  I can bring my laptop and work out there sometimes in between feedings and hug time. And when I'm in the house I will still be able to see her from the windows or the balcony off of my office.  ♥  I just wish it were already spring.

I will be feeding Willow four times a day and administering medicine and/or supplements twice a day for now.  It's going to be a lot of work for me, but hey... I get to spend more time with my girl, and that's a good thing.

I pray that the EPM goes away as it should... and that the choking was somehow caused by it and goes away too.  That I can nourish her back to a weight good enough that I can start doing hill work with her to help build back all the muscle she has lost. And mostly, I pray that she will be happy and feel safe here.  I am scared and excited at the same time...   but I know in my heart that I can do this. ♥

Peek-a-boo!

I love Abigail.  She is such a sweetie... She loves to play peek-a-boo!

A Sad Day at Martha's Farm

I knew something was wrong before I even heard Martha's voice... I just felt it. "Shana, there isn't an easy way to tell you this..." she started... "Oh my gosh, Martha, what's wrong?"... panic and fear that something had happened to Willow. "Alice passed away during the night." Alice? Oh my gosh, poor Ada was my first thought. The big black Percheron sisters had been together since birth and were both in their late thirties. I wrote about them several posts ago because they were Willow's pasture mates at Martha's farm. Oh my gosh, poor Martha! She loves Alice and Ada... and they have been such an imporant part of Martha's farm since she helped rescue them in 1998. They had been plow horses on a large farm for years, but when the farmer passed away, they were pretty much left to fend for themselves and were found starving. There is a framed newspaper article in Martha's tackroom telling their whole story. I am learning that every horse has an incredible story... and sweet Alice's ended today.

Apparently she had fallen during the night. Martha said she found her lying flat in the morning... a hole in the wet ground where her hoof had tried so hard to pull herself up... frost on her wooly black fur. That part still breaks my heart.  The vet said that it was time, and they had to put her down. They buried her right there in the pasture. It only seemed right, Martha explained. Willow spent the entire day in one of the front pastures... She knew that it wouldn't be good for Willow  to be surrounded by such sadness, and we know that she has experienced more than her fair share of loss.

The photo above is Ada, who I know misses her dear sister...  I am thankful Willow has enjoyed these couple months with such kind souls.  Rest in peace, sweet Alice.  And extra hugs and carrots for you from now on, sweet Ada....

A sweet visit...

I had the best visit with Willow today.  She was sooo super sweet and even more affectionate than usual.  She is such an expressive horse.  Martha says she is very wise and a great communicator... and that if I am open to it, I will hear what she wants to tell me.

Today willow just wanted to be near me.  Before I could even get to her pasture gate, she looked up and started walking over to me.  When we met, she lowered her head for a scratch and then raised her head so I could hug her. There is nothing quite like a Willow hug.  I love her soft fur and the way she smells.  And she is so quiet and still as she rests her head on my shoulder.  I love that. ♥

It was a bit breezy while I was there, and at one point, Willow lowered her head way down to about my stomach level.  I'm always pushing her forlock out of her eyes, so when she lowered her head that low, I felt like she wanted me to braid it so it wouldn't constantly blow into her eyes.  So I did, and she seemed satisfied... and I think it made her look a little bit like a unicorn...  but beautiful nonetheless... :)

We spent a long while in the pasture together, walking side by side a bit, but mostly just standing close.  It was cold and her fur warmed my hands.  I scratched her neck and withers and just inside her ears (which she really loves).  And every so often, I stopped for a Willow hug.  I trust her more than I've trusted any other horse.  I know she won't do anything to scare me or hurt me...

When it was time for me to leave, I told her I had to go but would be back tomorrow.  But as I walked to the gate, she followed close behind.  "I'll be back, Willow" I kept explaining, but she kept following.  I actually had to move her back so I could open the big gate.  And once I closed it, she just stood there, with her head over the gate.... just looking at me.  She looked so sad, and I didn't want to leave her.  As much as I needed to get home, I just couldn't leave her like that.  So I walked to the gate and pleaded with her to go and graze and to be happy... and that I'd be back soon.  So I walked away again and had decided not to look back...  and then I heard her kicking and pawing at the gate!  She really is so smart. :)  Of course, I had to turn around and go back into her pasture... I guess she needed just a little more love. 

So as we visited out in her pasture again, one of the ponies started heading toward us.  She was probably just going to walk right past us to the water fountain for a drink, but when Willow saw her coming close, she did the same thing she did to the paint last week.... she charged!!!  She pinned her ears way back and charged!  Scared that poor pony half to death!  The pony ran off, and Willow trotted in a complete circle straight back to me.  She stopped just a couple inches from my face, and she looked at me at my eye level.  And there I was, face to face with my great protector... my sweet Willow.  And it was then that I finally realized that she really does love me... and that I am her person.  And I am honored...

Down by the stream...

Today when we visited Willow, she ventured off a little bit.... so we followed her down by the stream on Martha's farm.  It was full sun, but I'm glad I took this shot of her reflection because I noticed right away that if you rotate it 90 degrees to the right, it makes a heart shape!  Also, as others have noticed, in her reflection, it looks like she has an angel on her back. ♥

I believe in miracles...

I am documenting this story for me and for Willow... My hope is that what I gain from journaling my thoughts will help me learn and grow and heal... and in doing that, I will be better for Willow.  I long to be less fearful, more positive, more patient, more faithful, more trusting, and more present.   I know that is best for her...  as I am understanding more and more how sensitive and connected horses really are.  I know I have a lot to learn about horses.  I admit that I am not perfect, so sometimes along the way I might get discouraged (like I was yesterday).  I know, though, to try not to internalize or share those feelings with Willow.  I talk to her in a sweet, upbeat voice... I call her "Pretty Girl" or "Beauty" and my love for her is so strong, that I know she can feel it.  And when I am feeling discouraged, I know who to turn to to life my spirits.  The emails, letters, and comments I've received have  been so encouraging and supportive... they lift me up too.  Thank you so much for every single one...

I shared my feelings with Martha, Nancy (Willow's 1st owner), and Leah (who first rescued Willow)... and I was amazed at how beautiful and similar their responses were:

From Leah:
"Hey Shana, don't fret, everything will be okay. There's a huge difference between what usually happens and what happens when there's a miracle going on. Too much of this story points to the latter. Have faith, it WILL work for the best. And that's what I believe"

From Martha:
"This is a place of hope and healing. God has put people and horses in my life for a reason, and He has opened my eyes to see what they really need.  I have rehabbed horses that even the vets had given up on.  God has brought them to me and this farm.  Miracles do happen, and I truly believe Willow is going to be well..."

From Nancy:
"I do know what you mean dear friend. But I believe in miracles. Perhaps the Lord will not see fit to make Willow whole until she joins Him in heaven. BUT, perhaps in SPITE of the choices evil people made for her and because of the love of one good person that came to save her, He will make her whole while still on earth. There is only one thing I KNOW for CERTAIN and that is an angel came to save her and to love and care for her. Shana she knows the depth of your love....she can sense it with all her queenly being. You are the love of her life, even if her life is not going to be totally well. Her life is GOOD...because of YOU! I literally would give my own life to make her well. I feel so bad I ever sold her. But, all I can do is love her from afar.... YOU are her love, her life, her very being. You are the dearest of the dear and I so wish none of this has caused you pain.I stand beside you Shana in anyway I can. Sending you love and hugs, Nancy

And there have been so many beautiful comments that have touched my heart - here are just a couple...

From Eden:
"I have been where you are. The fear of what you'll find at the barn- the insecurity of not knowing if you'll know how to fix her...I know how hard it is. Take comfort in knowing that you've already saved her- if you lose her tomorrow...you saved her. You'll be in my prayers."

 From Michelle:
"Thank you for sharing your story of Willow. The two of you are magic and you inspire me - Willow's courage and your devotion to her. Choose each moment you have together to be filled with love. If you are blessed with minutes, days or years make the most of them. She is a gift, her life full of lessons and her love pure ... bath yourself in her love. She is a gift from God and I would trust in a plan far greater than yourself."

Thank you, thank you all so much for warming my heart and renewing my faith....  I know I can do this.  I can believe in this miracle.  Afterall, it's happening before my eyes...

A New Friend

This is Abigail, one of the sweet barn cats at Martha's farm.  I've always thought there was something so special about cats and horses together.... I love that I was able to capture this moment, because honestly I think Abigail was actually listening to Willow.  I'm so glad Willow has a new friend. ♥

Martha cried...

While getting ready to go visit Willow, I got a call from Martha... "Shana, she's choking.  I'm out in the pasture with her...".  So I jumped in the car and headed out there.  My mind and heart were heavy already.... as I had just heard from Nancy (one of Willow's previous owners).  I didn't want Nancy to hear of Willow's EPM diagnosis elsewhere so I had written to inform her.  Upon hearing the news, she wrote back:

"That is what Aileen died of... she was the other mare that was with Leona, Stryder and Veritas. .... Thank God, you have her and are giving her such wonderful care...I just know this will be another hurdle, but your love, prayers and wonderful care will bring her through this. .... I just KNOW Willow is going to be fine...she has endured to much and now her guardian angel has saved her and she will be with you for a good long time. I do thank you for letting me know...God Bless you..."

Aileen?  Another mare?  EPM?  Died?  

Nancy shared the entire story she had heard from her old vet... and then Nancy told me more.   I just pray that God heals Nancy's broken heart.  None of this is her fault...

When I got to Martha's farm, I found her with Willow in her pasture.  She had a damp, white towel on her arm and she was working on Willow's throat...  trying to help her swallow the food she was choking on.  I always have to  remind myself that horses can still breathe when they are choking, and I have to try to make myself calm down because I still get so upset to see Willow struggling.  As Martha worked, I attempted to comfort Willow by rubbing her and telling her softly how much I love her. As she struggled, and coughed grass colored saliva, Martha carefully took the white towel from her right arm and sweetly wiped Willow's nose and mouth.  This touched me so much.  She did this in the same loving way you would wipe your fever stricken child's forehead...  I would have told Martha how much that meant to me (and how it will likely always stay with me) if I could have spoken without crying.  I was trying so hard not to cry for Willow...

Willow & Martha

Willow started feeling better sooner than normal.  I hope that her episodes continue that trend.  But we stayed with her for a while longer, and I told Martha about my conversation with Nancy.  I was still in shock myself, but when Martha heard there had been another starving mare with Willow abandoned at that old farm;  that sadly, she didn't make it... that she had EPM and that she had died before the horses were rescued, Martha looked up at me.  And she cried.

Martha is so strong, and I know it takes a lot to make her cry.  I think she was crying for Willow.  The other mare, Aileen, had probably been Willow's mate.  Martha told me that this may have had a profound impact on Willow...  and that because Willow couldn't speak, who knows the pain and sickness that manifested...  Then I remembered something Martha had told me weeks ago... "We are not bodies with souls.... We are souls with bodies.  Long ago, before Adam and Eve, I believe animals could speak to people...  but then their voices were taken away.  I believe animals go to heaven and that they have souls.  I believe Willow has something to say, and you need to learn to hear her..."   

How I wish I could hear her....

Vultures

As Martha and I chatted while spending time with Willow in the outer pasture, I noticed some large dark birds in the old barren tree branches above us.  As they came and went, I noticed that these were the same birds that were circling overhead as I wrote in my journal on the front barn steps waiting for Willow to arrive that first day.  I mentioned it to Martha and told her how there must have been 20 or 30 of them just circling overhead just moments before their trailer arrived. In my mind I came up with the pretty thought that they were eagles or hawks, but Martha said, "Vultures... they are vultures."   "Ohhhh..." I said, somewhat disappointed (picturing nasty vultures eating dead animals).  "No, that's good, Shana... vultures are good."  And Martha proceeded to tell me how the vulture symbolizes hope... death and rebirth.  Then she read from her cell phone about the vulture and what it means:

The vulture is a reminder that we must shed past negative thoughts before we can proceed with the birth of new ideas. ... Life is lived in stages and new ideas are often born out of old experiences....

The preoccupation of past sorrowful events can lead to a period of negativity and mental turmoil. If allowed to escalate, the emotional injuries can inhibit your ability to nurture new, fertile ideas. It can also prevent you from allowing yourself to open up to people, thus leaving you suspicious of those who attempt to enter your lives. But out of negative experiences, you can learn to become wiser and more intellectually astute. This is the time to rethink your situation and allow the negative burdens of your past to become a source of self-empowerment....

"If something from your past is hindering you; you may feel sad. Be careful not to let the past affect current relationships. There may be lack of communication, and possible relationship troubles. However, always see the good in the bad, as this may be the time that can inhibit your ability to nurture new and fertile ideas...

The vulture can help teach you how to accomplish this through patience and vision. Vultures teach you how to soar without using much energy, how to ride the thermal winds instead of flapping. Go with the flow. Use your own energy powerfully and efficiently. The Vulture promises us that no matter how difficult things are at the moment, rescue and change are imminent."******


******(I searched and found that these excerpts came from or are based on "Animals Divine Tarot" by Lisa Hunt.  Martha assures me as God is the creator of animals and all living things, he put them here for us to learn from...  I will write more on Martha's amazing faith in a later post.)


As Martha read to me, we both couldn't help but look at each other in awe... so many parallels, and this advice is so fitting for me at this point in my life.  I need to let go and be at peace with a very sad experience from my past; but I also need to find a way to be empowered by it.  I need to have more faith and less fear... And I need to find my way toward finding  "patience and vision".  I need to, and Willow needs to... we both need to learn to trust again.  

"... Rescue and change are imminent."   I love that part. Perhaps this new perspective will help.

Trust

Willow seemed so much better today.  She had eaten all her food and was happy to see me walk into her pasture.  She came right up to me and was extra sweet.  I love how she lowers her head to my eye level and just stands close to me and looks into my eyes.  I love her eyes...

Martha said I could let her out into the main area to eat some fresh, wet grass.  Must be like candy to her, because she really seemed to love munching on it. I took her halter off and just let her do what she wanted to do. Martha always tells me to "just trust" and so I did.  I scratched her neck and ears, gave her hugs, and just hung out with her while she grazed.  Then I remembered some advice from my dear and very wise friend Allison Kennedy:

"She really is lovely and it will take lots of time to bring her around, so don't be worried if she needs time to learn to trust her new home, new stall, new pasture friends .... it is something she has probably learned NOT to trust....give her all the time she needs - sit with her and don't always touch her..... sit and read a book near her but not looking or touching her ....you want her to come begging for your interaction - makes them trust faster. Learning to trust again is huge - coming for food is survival - coming for love, touch and connection is emotional - much different and remember their brains are different - trust should not be confused with natural instinct to survive. I often bring my chair within reach and sit quietly doing my Ipad work but not connecting - they come to me to say HEY - you are ignoring me .... they come to me because they want to - rather than letting me be all over them because I can.  Touch is emotional not rational ... we have to earn it . That is how to really bond and gain trust. Then if she is and can get healthy again - she will recover faster... We always need to remember the psyche is different with a horse than we think it is."

So I told her I was going to go sit on the swing near the picnic table and that I would be there if she wanted me.  I watched her for a long time as she grazed and very occasionally looked up at me. 

After about 20 minutes, she picked up her head and slowly sauntered over.  By that time I was sitting at the picnic table, and I just watched hear and waited (resisting the urge to meet her half way).  When she got very close, she looked at me, glanced at the swing, and then looked at the barn and slowly walked past me toward the open barn doors.  I got up and followed her, as I felt she wanted me to.

Shen she got to the breezeway, I was still behind her but I could hear Martha cleaning the barn floors with the blower.  It was very loud, but Willow didn't spook... she just stood there looking down the breezeway toward her stall, as if she was waiting for Martha to turn off the noisy blower.  I walked past Willow, and opened her stall door.  Still, she stood there (Martha was not going to turn off that blower- I could tell - even though Willow and I both wished she would).  So I took a couple photos of her and then walked inside her stall to show her it was okay.  When I walked back out, she was already on her way toward me... and she walked right into her stall.

This might not seem amazing to others (I'm not sure)... but it was amazing to me.  I think everything she does is amazing. She is amazing.  She ate some hay, and I gave her some cut up carrots. And when she seemed ready, I walked back to her pasture, and she followed me.  ♥

Bad Day #2 & Team Willow

I drove with Michael this afternoon to spend some time with Willow at Martha's farm.  As we were pulling up to the barn, Martha called my cell phone. "Your girl is really struggling, Shana..."  I quickly interrupted her to tell her we were there.  It was raining and nearly dark inside the barn.  We walked toward her stall to find Martha and one of her boarders, Laurie, inside with Willow.  Laurie seemed to be assisting Martha, and they explained that Willow was again choking and struggling to swallow.  It had been 4 days since her last episode, and this one lasted even longer.  I tried so hard not to cry, and sweet Laurie left Willow for a minute to come give me a hug.  Though we had just met, she could tell I needed one...  I was just so disappointed and discouraged.  I remember our other vet Dr. Kimmons explaining that mnny horses with "choke" have bad episodes maybe 2 or 3 times a year.  This was two in less than a week. Although now we are all thinking that she doesn't have typical "choke"... that is may be something quite different. So much about Willow is a mystery...

Laurie looked at me intently and told me how much she loved Willow and then she thanked me for saving her. It always feels a bit strange to be thanked, as I feel I am the lucky one... and also, I am certainly not doing this alone.  There are so many wonderful people with me on "Team Willow" (as I like to call it)...  Michael, Martha, Dr. Hawthorne, Dr. Kimmons, Mascha, Laurie, Lynde, Leah & Mark, and all the others at the barn who stop by to say hi or hug her, and certainly everyone who is praying for her and supporting me with well wishes, advice, and encouragement.   Thank you. ♥ 

Sunday in her pasture...

I went by myself to see Willow today... everyone was still at church, so no one was at the farm.  It was so quiet there, rainy and peaceful. Willow was in her pasture with her new mates, a pair of very old Percheron mares named Alice an Aida.  I remember reading an article about how Martha had helped rescue them years ago.  They didn't look up as I opened the noisy gate, but Willow looked up and before I could finish calling, "Willow", she picked up her head and started strolling toward me.  So far, one of my favorite things about having a horse is the make that long, slow, but happy walk across the pasture to see you.  I just love that.

The only fun part about having a  horse that needs to put on weight is that I get to give her LOTS of treats.  I try not to hand feed her *too* much (although I love to), so she won't ever get nippy, but I brought her cut up apples and carrots and she loved them.  Always worrying that she won't be able to swallow or that she will begin to choke, I am very careful and apprehensive.  But Willow did great!  I spent a long while with her in the pasture... just hanging out with her.  Braiding her hair, scratching her neck, and looking in her eyes.  She gets eye level with me, and she just looks at me- and I see myself in those dark, soulful eyes of hers.  She is so deep- even Martha thinks she is.  And she is very wise.

After a while, I walked over to meet Aida and Alice.  Gosh they are HUGE!  Big, beefcake mares... almost like cows - so stalky and very sweet.  As I scratched their thick necks, I couldn't help but compare them too Willow and her tiny frame.  I wondered how long it will take until she is of normal horse weight.  I looked over at Willow who was happily grazing and enjoying the wet grass...  I smiled and tried so hard to stop myself from thinking too logically.  I mean, most horses eat 20 something hours a day just to maintain their weight.  Willow can't eat that many hours...  she has swallowing issues, she struggles and sometimes chokes.  She probably eats slower than most because of her fear of choking.  How will she gain weight... how will she even maintain it? 

I really need to find a way not to let this kind of worry and fret enter my mind. Today was such a good day.

Patience and faith (I need to keep reminding myself)...

Her first day with us ♥

As we walked her past the barn out to graze for a bit, all the geldings lined up at the fence to admirer our pretty girl. It was pretty cute. :)

Dr. Hawthorne is one of the amazing vets that will be caring for my sweet girl. He's quite a character... very charming, southern, a bit funny, and very wise. (He really is the cutest.) As he examined her, he asked me what my intentions were with her... I answered, "Love her...". He liked that and told me that she was a very sick "lil mare". He ordered no training, muscle building or anything until we could get her weight up. He worries for her immune system, as horses in her condition have weakened immune systems and that puts them at risk of contracting EPM (and we don't want that). He said all she really needs now is "love and groceries". ;) Then he sat down with Martha, and they carefully wrote out a plan...

And when  he began to tell me the plan, he started off by saying, "This lil mare has been abused..." My heart stopped for a minute thinking, not only neglected and abandoned but abused too? So I stopped him and asked him if he meant neglect or abuse? His answer: "Darlin, this kind of neglect IS abuse." He is so right.

She loved grazing... she seems to like it here already... but I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at this and not cry... :( We have a plan though... and I know at Martha's farm she is at the right place...

She arrives...

The sky was so ominous while I waited on the barn steps for the trailer to arrive... as I sat there, I journaled my thoughts, my questions, and my doubts... Would I be good enough for her? Would we really be able to help her? Why was I taking this on now when I am so overwhelmed and over committed already? What would the vets say when they saw her? Was she even more sick than we knew? What had she been through? And why would someone do this to her? Mostly though, how could I quiet my mind enough to really listen to my heart - to connect with this horse - to learn and grow from this experience?

And then they pulled up and opened the trailer door. When I saw her again, I knew that she was right where she belonged. And everything else would work itself out (like it always does). I cried when I saw how Leah braided her hair for her for her journey. There is something so very sweet and thoughtful about that...

I took this so we could document her rehabilitation... it's so hard for me to look at. :(

She is so so malnourished and thin though... she needs fat and muscle... and love. ♥