Letter to Willow (on the anniversary of her death)

Dear Willow, 

It has been one year today since you left... and I don't miss you any less. I miss you every second of every day.  I miss your hugs, the way you smell, the softness of your fur, your three little braids, and the way you'd rest your head over my shoulder.  I miss the butterflies I felt when I was with you and how you made me feel so safe..  like a child home in mother's arms... and I miss the comfort of your love and strength . I just miss you. 

And I do still dream of seeing you healthy and whole in your pasture during the spring... on the green grass with all those tiny yellow flowers and the sunshine warming your back...  Even though that day never did come...

Yes, I've missed you my sweet girl. But I finally understand why you had to leave me though. I felt it then, but I know now beyond any doubt that you were my special angel... sent by God... my very own angel. And I realize that you were never meant to be with me for more than a short time here on Earth.  But somehow you've always been with me, and will always be. That is so obvious now looking back.. after all your health issues were resolved, you had that awful accident that broke your leg. We sent you to the best surgeon in the world, but even so, the surgery failed only a week later and despite my pleading, they had no choice but to take you. You were with me just long enough to show me all that you had come to teach me. You gave me so much, but even after your death you kept sending me gifts and signs... beautiful signs. Because of you, my faith was renewed and strengthened... because of you, my relationship with Martha grew into a beautiful friendship... because of you, we went on to rescue other horses.  Because of you, I found opportunities to pay it forward and to share just a bit of the love you gave me with others... and because of you, my world will never ever be the same. Ever.

Proof of God's love, your story has changed not just my life, but the lives of many.  I continue to receive personal stories from people around the world who have been inspired to rescue a horse, make a donation, or volunteer their time to help horses in need... and all in your name.  There was even a little girl who had been following our story and decided that for her 11th birthday, instead of birthday presents, she would ask everyone to bring items to donate to the local horse rescue... and instead of having a party, all of her guests joined her in delivering these items to the rescue.  The photos her big sister sent me will forever stay in my heart.  

And then there are the emails I've received from people regarding their faith and God.  People who were finally sure they'd see their loved ones again one day... because they knew for sure now that Heaven exists...  people who had lost faith but found it again through our story... and people who had conquered their fears or who finally found the strength to make a change or the courage to follow their dreams. And somehow all because of you...  One of my favorites was from a woman named Becky.  She sent this to me during the holidays, and it was the best Christmas gift ever:

"Shana, I grew up with horses until the age of 10 when my mother left me and I ended up in foster care. For 46 years I put that life behind me, and while I still loved horses, I never allowed myself to get close to them as it brought painful memories back. Your love story with Willow changed all of that for me. I am riding again and giving my talent of photography to those around me who ride. I want you to know that Willow, through your writings, saved me as well. I'm glad she continues to bless you. Merry Christmas to you and your family." 

I love it when people call our story a love story.  I set out to rescue you... but you rescued me.  And you loved me and showed me what it looks like to live without fear, to rise above, and to love and trust without condition.  Yes ours is a story about love, and since God is love, it's a story about God too.  It's a story of love and of faith... Beauty from ashes...

Yesterday in church, when everyone was praying silently, I was so lost in prayer and thinking about you that I didn't even notice Martha had stood up... until she bent down and whispered in my ear, "Listen, Shana... this is the song I used to sing to Willow."  I opened my eyes and heard the beautiful words "How Great Thou Art..."  Martha and I looked at each other and no words were necessary.  I've never heard that song at this church before... in fact I haven't heard it since the last time Martha sang it to you.  To us.  And I flashed back to those cold days last winter out in your pasture, us comforting you as you struggled... And Martha singing those words ever so softly... "How Great Thou Art..."

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

So today I am choosing not to be sad that you are gone.... but happy and lucky... so lucky... that you were mine at all.  And that you are still and forever with me.   I carry you in my heart....

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
Anywhere I go, you go my dear
And whatever is done by only me
is your doing.

I fear no fate.
I want no world...
It's only you.
Whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing...
it's only you.

Here is the deepest secret
nobody knows...
And this is the wonder
that keeps the stars apart,

I carry your heart,
I carry it in my heart...

             - E.E. Cummings

My beauty, my Velvet Willow... I love you.  Thank you for rescuing me.


Love forever,
Shana

Morning at Martha's Farm

One year ago today, Willow was delivered to me at Martha's farm.. I drove out there early this morning and surprised Martha. I brought Martha a small, handmade painting of a Friesian horse on old barn wood.  I also brought the old Faith sign that I kept on Willow's stall door, and I hung it back up. Martha gave me a big hug, and we spent some time together right there in Willow's stall.

I don't think I'll ever be able to express just how grateful I am to Martha for all she did for Willow... and for me.  Mostly though, for loving Willow with her whole heart. Willow has brought many gifts to my life... and one of the greatest gifts is Martha's friendship.  Yes, we were friends before, but our friendship has grown so much during our journey with Willow and even now many months after her death.  Martha has done amazing things for our horses, but truly the most amazing thing is what she has done for my soul and for my faith.  I appreciate and admire her so much... she is sure proof of God's love.  And I am the fortunate witness...  and the very lucky recipient of her guidance, encouragement and unwavering love.

I cried plenty of tears this morning- happy tears because I am so thankful for the time I had with Willow and for everything our journey together has meant to me. And look who showed up right when I was about to leave... Abigail! Willow's best kitty friend... such a sweet kitty. I really feel like Willow was there today too... right there with us. In fact, I know she was.

Prayers for Ada

I woke up early again this morning... with a sick, sad feeling in my heart.  And I realized, it has been exactly one month since Willow passed away...

The weather is supposed to be beautiful today... over 80 degrees and sunny.  But when I look outside, all I see is a dark, cloudy sky.

I asked Martha to come early so that we could work with The Prince a bit after Mirabella's lesson and so she could check out the new barn we built for the geldings in the back pasture.  I was so looking forward to spending the first half of the day in the sunshine with Martha.  We have been working on a list about Willow- everything she tried to teach us - so I thought we could finalize the list today.

But Martha just called.  I knew something was wrong right when I heard her voice.  "It's Ada," she said... "She's down in the field, just like Alice was... and she's struggling.  We are going to have to put her down..."    Poor, sweet old Ada... what a beautiful soul.  And was always so grateful that she was a faithful friend to Willow while she was at Martha's farm.  I hated to hear that she was down and that she had probably broken her shoulder... just like Willow had.

The tears came fast and I told Martha that I was on my way to come be with her.  After what Martha did for me just one month ago today with Willow, it was the least I could do.  I just pictured her in the pasture trying to comfort sweet Ada until the vet could arrive... not knowing when that would be.  At first, Martha said it was fine, but then she told me not to come.  She said Ada's owner Michelle was on her way and that she had other friends already at the farm.  She said she didn't want me to see Ada that way... that it wasn't pretty or peaceful.  She knows my heart is still raw from the pain of losing Willow, and she wanted to spare me seeing the process.  Ada is struggling in the field right now, and Martha is having a hard time pacifying her.  She can't give her anything that might interfere with the sedation and drugs the vet will give her.  Martha is so strong, but I can tell she is sad...  Still, she told me how blessed she was to have Ada in her life, and she told me how much she'd learned from Ada.  She said it was Ada's time to go and be with her sister and to be with God.  So I asked her to please kiss Ada for me.  And I asked her to ask Ada to say hi to Willow when she sees her in Heaven...

Martha rescues Ada in 2008

What is it about a horse's life that is so epic to me?  They all seem to have such a story to tell.  Ada and her sister Alice's story is an amazing one.  The newspaper article about Martha and these two amazing mares hangs framed on the tackroom wall in Martha's barn.  I've written about them a couple times here...  (here is when Alice passed  http://www.velvetwillow.com/2013/01/a-sad-day-at-marthas-farm.html).  I'm quite sure they will bury Ada right next to Alice in the field...

Ada is in her late 30's... if she were a woman, she'd be over 100 years old.  Yes, it may be her time but it breaks my heart to think of her in pain and struggling at this moment.  And I also ache for Martha's heart...    Prayers for both of them.   It's going to be a long morning...

Tea with the Queen

It has been 24 hours since Willow died.  I have cried more than I have slept... but I need to document some of what has happened...

Martha did as I asked. I am so grateful to her... This was her text to me...

"I hugged her, kissed her and scratched her under her mane.  She is free now.  Forever safe where there is no pain, no cruelty, and no suffering..."

And she sent me a photo of Willow with the 4 braids I asked her to put in her mane....  I asked her only after Willow was gone to please cut off the three braids so I could keep them to remember her by... but to leave her one to take with her... from me.  I made her promise not to cut any of her mane until she was gone... (I just kept remembering the only scene that stuck with me from "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"... when they cut the lion's mane off... that always broke my heart....)

My friend Brenna came over to watch the kids, as I was hysterical... and she comforted me until Michael got home.  He was devastated...  he said the moment he saw her x-ray up on the screen and the looks on the faces of everyone in the clinic, he knew...and it broke his heart.  I've never seen him cry like that before...

She was gone.  Willow was gone. How can this be?  No..... no..... I just couldn't stop my tears.... I still can't.  The pain is unbearable.

I have received thousands of well wishes...  poems, personal stories, drawings, and bible verses. Thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart.... As much I as know that Willow's soul was pure, it has been so beautiful to witness the beauty of so many human souls.  In this crazy, desensitized world, beauty and love lives on...  and that comforts me.  And I received several emails and even photos from those who were inspired by our story to rescue a horse in need.  That alone makes my pain worthwhile...  It helps so much to know that even though our journey didn't end how I'd dreamed, I will always know that other horses have beautiful new beginnings...

Someone commented that Willow was "just a horse".   Well, she wasn't just a horse... she wasn't a pet... she was Velvet Willow, and she was my mine.  She was... no, she is my soulmate.  I know some people cannot understand...  but Willow was so much more than a beloved horse.  She was divine.  She was faith, she was hope, she was courage, she was beauty.  Yes, I took care of her... we all took care of her.  But she took care of me.  She was so strong, so regal, so tender and affectionate and gentle with me.  She would look at me for the longest time with those big brown, beautiful eyes... as if she was looking straight into my soul.  And I would see myself in her eyes...   she'd stand so close to me and move her head near me so slowly, so deliberately.  And when I hugged her, she hugged me back.  The feeling of her resting over my shoulder, trusting me and revealing her soul to me...  I cannot describe the beautiful feeling that would wash over me.  I loved the way her fur smelled... God, please don't ever let me forget the way she smelled.... or the warmth of her fur, or the comfort of her mane...  

I didn't take many calls that day, but I knew there were two people that I had to get ahold of.... Nancy and Leah.  I left messages for them both....

It is a miracle that I ever even found Nancy, and I'm so grateful for her support and love for both me and Willow (her Leona C.) throughout this journey. Nancy wrote to me:  Dearest Shana, I have been out of town and just returned to the heart breaking news of Willow. I would call, but I would cause you more pain by adding my pain to yours. As heart shattering as this is, I am trying to think of the positive...a wonderful horse named Willow taught me that. The Queen reigns on most high now. She is wonderfully whole again. That lofty, suspended trot is flying on angel wings. She has NO pain, she has no worried look in her eyes. Her head is held higher than ever...she is happy and free of all the pain her past life gave her. One day, I hope a very long time from now, we all will see her again. And when we see her in the greener pastures, do you know who she is going to run to? It won't be Anita, who raised her, it won't me who proudly rode her and raised Ster babies from her, and it certainly will not be the wicked people who caused her so much suffering. When we see her, it will be YOU, Shana, that she runs to. You, the loving soul that brought her back from misery, You that loved her back to cantering across the fields with her head held high. YOU, you, you......her love, her salvation. She is waiting to see you again one day. Until then, rest assured heaven knows, the Queen has ARRIVED. She is gone from your touch but NEVER your heart. I love you and I will talk, when we both are able.

I am also so grateful to Leah who took Willow and the other abandoned, starving horses in and cared for them as she found them homes.  I cried to Leah for a long while on the phone. As I cried and we remembered together all that was beautiful about Willow, Leah promised me that Willow and I were soul mates and that our souls would be together forever.  We talked about how though Willow was so stoic, some might describe her as "aloof" always holding her head up so high, that Willow would lower her head to me... she was so different with me, so affectionate- almost as if she was loving me like I was her foal.  It is true... I never regarded her as my baby... but rather, it was like she was taking care of me.  She was a good mother to the four babies I now know she had, and I think I experienced some of that nurturing love from her too.  And Leah reminded me of the day I first came to her farm to meet Willow.....  As I went to leave, she lowered her head and nuzzled my chest... right over my heart.  I'm so glad Leah reminded me of that moment.  Near the end of our conversation, I told Leah that I doubted I could ever connect with or love a horse this deeply again... that no other horses would ever be like Willow... what would I do without her?  What do I do now, I asked her...  Everything we did for her... all my hope wrapped up in her and wanting to see her whole, healthy and happy by Spring... and knowing now that I'd never be able to put those flowers in her mane....and why did I have such a short time with her... it was too short... Then Leah stopped me. "Shana, listen to me and think before you answer this question.  Shana, even though your pain is unbearable... and you only had a short time with Willow on earth, and even though it ended this way...  was it worth it?"   And without thinking, I answered, "Yes!  Yes it was...  I feel like I got to have tea with the Queen."     And indeed, I did.  I am SO so lucky....

Scary morning...

The most beautiful sight in the world to me right now is seeing Willow back on her feet....

Michael checked on Willow at midnight, and she seemed the same... up on her feet but she hadn't eaten anything.  Of course, we were worried... but nothing like how I felt to find Willow flat on the ground, eyes half open, and breathing very hard.  We were both very worried since we'd never seen her like that before...

She wouldn't get up, and she refused carrots (which really isn't like her).  I called Martha, both vets, and then tried all my friends who know a lot about horses... but it was before 7am, and no one answered... I felt so helpless and scared.  Could it be colic, laminitis, pneumonia, what?

Thankfully Martha came over quickly... and Willow got up shortly before she arrived.  We are thinking she must have been in a very deep sleep to have such labored breathing and hope that's what it was.  She lays down a lot, and for extended periods of time. But she is healing and still in pain, so she must need that right now.

Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons do not think her x-rays show founder, but Martha is still concerned this may be the start of laminitis.   Dr. Hawthorne will probably come by later to see her... maybe some accupuncture, etc.

There just isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sweet horse.  She's a fighter, a beauty, and a queen... and probably the smartest horse in the world.  As we stood with Willow, I told Martha that I think a lot about sappy horse movies... you know the kind-  the horse is dying on the barn floor, and people almost give up hope, and then all of a sudden the horse leaps up, shakes her head and everything is better? That is what I want to see happen here...  So, Martha and I prayed together with Willow, and we talked to her.  We talked about wanting her to eat and drink water (as she seemed a bit dehydrated).  And Willow looked at us.  Then she walked over to her hay and had a bite....  then she ate a bit of grain.  Then she splashed and drank some of her water... and then she even licked her mineral salt block, and she looked at us again.... as if to say, "There! And even though you forgot to mention it, I licked some salt too!"   ♥   

Willow.  She is a miracle, I just know it....

Willow Update

My beautiful Willow just one day before she broke her leg...  I remember watching her with a huge smile on my face... thinking how amazing she looked and how far she had come. We finally seemed to be beyond the daily choking struggles, and her weight gain was so noticeable.  I still cannot believe this has happened...

So today Willow is much brighter than yesterday.  She is still laying down a lot, but I think she just needs to get off her feet and rest.  She is eating better (still not enough), and she just seems more alert and in less pain. 

Dr. Kimmons and Martha came this morning to check on Willow, give Charlie & Paloma their shots/coggins and to meet the Gypsy Prince.  We still haven't named him, but that's what the kids have been calling him.  As usual, Willow was an excellent patient.  The Prince, however, was quite naughty and really went a little crazy... nearly knocking Dr. Kimmons & assistant over...  Martha got tough (she's so brave) with him, and then he settled down.  We just don't know enough about his history before his last owner (who only had him a year) to know what he's been through. But we've heard that quite possibly a man had been too rough with him (so sad to hear that).  He's really a sweet boy...

So the plan is for Willow to receive all her meds (except the EPM, probiotics, oils, supplements, etc.) through injection as to not ruin her appetite.  So far, it seems to be helping... we'll see.  In any case, she is just so much better, and I truly appreciate all of the kind words, support, love prayers.   I just know that Willow is a very special horse... not because she's a Friesian or a rescue... and not because she is drop dead gorgeous (because she is)... :)   But I just know there is a greater purpose for her....  her life and struggles and our journey together.  I'm not one to believe in fate or destiny, yet this journey seems somehow that it was meant to be. 

The question remains, though... why?

Downhill part II

There is something about seeing Willow flat on the ground that hurts my heart.  I try to not let fear in, but there's this little voice saying, "What if she never gets up?"   She has been down for over 40 minutes now.  And it's the 2nd time I've seen her lay down today....

Martha came by and gave her a shot of Banamine for the pain.  We aren't going to give her Bute or Gastro-Guard orally any more.  We suspect the bitter taste is ruining her appetite.  Dr. Ruggles from Rood & Riddle also suggested more probiotics... so we gave her some of that too.  I was able to get her to eat two apples, two carrots, 1/2 a scoop of grain, and one peppermint.  Sounds like a lot, but considering she usually eats 8 scoops of grain plus lots of hay each day, it's really not all that much. 

She's just so thin and frail... and it seems that all of her legs are hurting her from trying to compensate for the leg she broke.  She just really needs to eat...  she doesn't have much extra fat or muscle left to waste... 

I've been out with her in the barn all day.  I try to distract her by grooming her and just looking into her deep eyes and talking to her. I stand so close to her, and when I hug her, she rests her whole head and neck over my shoulder.  Today she felt twice as heavy as she usually does. 

I'm off to the barn to check on her again...  

Downhill...

Willow is not eating.  She's so thin... and in so much pain.  My heart is breaking...  This image doesn't even show how awful she looks.  Martha says she feels like we are back where we started, but I fear it's worse than that.  With a broken leg and 8 weeks of stall recovery, we have even more obstacles to overcome.  They told me she wasn't eating all her food at the hospital, and since her last choking episodes, her appetite has decreased more and more.  Last night, she didn't touch her grain or her hay. 

We know that Willow does not like medicine.  She hates the Gastro-Guard (which she needs for her ulcers) and she doesn't care for the Bute either... but she needs it for her pain.  And she is in so much pain.  She is constantly shifting front feet, pawing at the ground (seeing that breaks my heart more than anything), and bending her front legs because she just can't get comfortable.  She no longer holds her head up high, but hangs it low most of the time.  And for the first time ever, Willow has worried eyes...  I've always been amazed that she doesn't have them, but now above her eyes is furrowed... and she looks worried and stressed.

I called Martha in tears this morning... she called Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons.  We are making a plan of what to do.  Right now, I'm going back out to the barn to be with Willow.  It's raining and gloomy outside. And the classical music in the barn makes me cry. 

I'm taking chopped apples, carrots and even Willow's favorite peppermints....  

Please God, give her comfort and bring back her will....

Missing Martha's Farm!

As much as I love having Willow home with me, I'm missing everything about Martha's farm.  I miss the barn cats (this is Miriam... Abigail's mother), the gorgeous barn light, the drive in the country, the other horses and boarders, etc.  Mostly, though... I miss Martha.  ♥  We have always been friends, but we have really gotten close these past few months...  I am so blessed to have her as a trainer, consultant, and friend.  I am so grateful for everything she has done... not only for Willow, but also for me.  I will never forget all the long talks, stories, and songs we shared out at her farm... or how lovingly she tended to Willow when she struggled.  Beautiful on the outside, and even moreso on the inside, Martha is truly an angel... one of the many blessings from my journey with Willow. ♥ 

Dreamer

I get so happy in the car on the way to see Willow at Martha's farm. It's a beautiful drive through the countryside, and the anticipation always gives me butterflies. ♥

As I drove up, I knew right away that Willow was struggling. I could see her standing there in her pasture... just standing in the middle of the hay pile as her pasture mates grazed. Martha was at church, so I went straight out to Willow. She had thick, green liquid seeping from her mouth and nose. She was choking.

I ran back into the barn to find something to wipe Willow's face, and I ran into Tammy who boards her horse at the farm. Horse people never cease to amaze me... they always know when you need a hug.  I was visibly shaken and upset, and Tammy could see that. She hugged me and tried to reassure me, and then she gave me a clean white towel for Willow. I noticed the towel was new as she took it out of her wooden trunk, and I felt bad knowing it would surely be soiled. But there's this thing about horse lovers... they love horses. And Tammy, along with everyone else at this wonderful place, loves Willow. And she could have cared less about her clean white towel. I love horse people.

Back out in the pasture, I wiped Willow's sweet face and tried to gently massage her throat and guttural pouch the way Martha had taught me. And in between her struggles to swallow, I hugged her as I always do. But today I had a hard time hiding my sadness... and I turned into her mane and cried. I could feel that she was sad too.

When Martha returned from church, she came straight out to the pasture. It was so cold, and my feet were frozen by then. But we stood and talked for a long while. I told her that I had broken down with Tammy and that I was feeling so discouraged... and that I had cried. And I told her of what I was fearing. "Remember when I told you that horses think in pictures?" she asked.  Of course I did, and I admitted that I really didn't understand what that meant.  So she gave me an example.  She told about one of the horses at her farm... a lovely mare that was quiet and easy to ride.  Her owner, though, was very fearful and always anticipating something would spook her horse.  She was always on high alert when she rode... she would anticipate and imagine her horse to spook, and her horse would spook!  When others rode her, she never spooked.  But because this horse could feel what her rider was feeling and "see" what her rider was envisioning, she too rode on high alert and she spooked.

And it finally clicked for me...  I have to find a way not to imagine a sad fate for Willow.  I have to not let these fears creep into my mind... and especially not when I'm with her.  And moreover, I have to start imagining Willow healthy and healed... beautiful and whole.  So I did.  I closed my eyes and I imagined her grazing in a field of yellow flowers in the spring.... playing in the pasture and trotting gracefully with her head up high, like the queen she is.  And I imagined her eating and swallowing easily and effortlessly.   And I imagined riding her... I imagined that I was smiling and crying at the same time for our victory... because I know I will. Now, I know I will.

Martha cried...

While getting ready to go visit Willow, I got a call from Martha... "Shana, she's choking.  I'm out in the pasture with her...".  So I jumped in the car and headed out there.  My mind and heart were heavy already.... as I had just heard from Nancy (one of Willow's previous owners).  I didn't want Nancy to hear of Willow's EPM diagnosis elsewhere so I had written to inform her.  Upon hearing the news, she wrote back:

"That is what Aileen died of... she was the other mare that was with Leona, Stryder and Veritas. .... Thank God, you have her and are giving her such wonderful care...I just know this will be another hurdle, but your love, prayers and wonderful care will bring her through this. .... I just KNOW Willow is going to be fine...she has endured to much and now her guardian angel has saved her and she will be with you for a good long time. I do thank you for letting me know...God Bless you..."

Aileen?  Another mare?  EPM?  Died?  

Nancy shared the entire story she had heard from her old vet... and then Nancy told me more.   I just pray that God heals Nancy's broken heart.  None of this is her fault...

When I got to Martha's farm, I found her with Willow in her pasture.  She had a damp, white towel on her arm and she was working on Willow's throat...  trying to help her swallow the food she was choking on.  I always have to  remind myself that horses can still breathe when they are choking, and I have to try to make myself calm down because I still get so upset to see Willow struggling.  As Martha worked, I attempted to comfort Willow by rubbing her and telling her softly how much I love her. As she struggled, and coughed grass colored saliva, Martha carefully took the white towel from her right arm and sweetly wiped Willow's nose and mouth.  This touched me so much.  She did this in the same loving way you would wipe your fever stricken child's forehead...  I would have told Martha how much that meant to me (and how it will likely always stay with me) if I could have spoken without crying.  I was trying so hard not to cry for Willow...

Willow & Martha

Willow started feeling better sooner than normal.  I hope that her episodes continue that trend.  But we stayed with her for a while longer, and I told Martha about my conversation with Nancy.  I was still in shock myself, but when Martha heard there had been another starving mare with Willow abandoned at that old farm;  that sadly, she didn't make it... that she had EPM and that she had died before the horses were rescued, Martha looked up at me.  And she cried.

Martha is so strong, and I know it takes a lot to make her cry.  I think she was crying for Willow.  The other mare, Aileen, had probably been Willow's mate.  Martha told me that this may have had a profound impact on Willow...  and that because Willow couldn't speak, who knows the pain and sickness that manifested...  Then I remembered something Martha had told me weeks ago... "We are not bodies with souls.... We are souls with bodies.  Long ago, before Adam and Eve, I believe animals could speak to people...  but then their voices were taken away.  I believe animals go to heaven and that they have souls.  I believe Willow has something to say, and you need to learn to hear her..."   

How I wish I could hear her....

Vultures

As Martha and I chatted while spending time with Willow in the outer pasture, I noticed some large dark birds in the old barren tree branches above us.  As they came and went, I noticed that these were the same birds that were circling overhead as I wrote in my journal on the front barn steps waiting for Willow to arrive that first day.  I mentioned it to Martha and told her how there must have been 20 or 30 of them just circling overhead just moments before their trailer arrived. In my mind I came up with the pretty thought that they were eagles or hawks, but Martha said, "Vultures... they are vultures."   "Ohhhh..." I said, somewhat disappointed (picturing nasty vultures eating dead animals).  "No, that's good, Shana... vultures are good."  And Martha proceeded to tell me how the vulture symbolizes hope... death and rebirth.  Then she read from her cell phone about the vulture and what it means:

The vulture is a reminder that we must shed past negative thoughts before we can proceed with the birth of new ideas. ... Life is lived in stages and new ideas are often born out of old experiences....

The preoccupation of past sorrowful events can lead to a period of negativity and mental turmoil. If allowed to escalate, the emotional injuries can inhibit your ability to nurture new, fertile ideas. It can also prevent you from allowing yourself to open up to people, thus leaving you suspicious of those who attempt to enter your lives. But out of negative experiences, you can learn to become wiser and more intellectually astute. This is the time to rethink your situation and allow the negative burdens of your past to become a source of self-empowerment....

"If something from your past is hindering you; you may feel sad. Be careful not to let the past affect current relationships. There may be lack of communication, and possible relationship troubles. However, always see the good in the bad, as this may be the time that can inhibit your ability to nurture new and fertile ideas...

The vulture can help teach you how to accomplish this through patience and vision. Vultures teach you how to soar without using much energy, how to ride the thermal winds instead of flapping. Go with the flow. Use your own energy powerfully and efficiently. The Vulture promises us that no matter how difficult things are at the moment, rescue and change are imminent."******


******(I searched and found that these excerpts came from or are based on "Animals Divine Tarot" by Lisa Hunt.  Martha assures me as God is the creator of animals and all living things, he put them here for us to learn from...  I will write more on Martha's amazing faith in a later post.)


As Martha read to me, we both couldn't help but look at each other in awe... so many parallels, and this advice is so fitting for me at this point in my life.  I need to let go and be at peace with a very sad experience from my past; but I also need to find a way to be empowered by it.  I need to have more faith and less fear... And I need to find my way toward finding  "patience and vision".  I need to, and Willow needs to... we both need to learn to trust again.  

"... Rescue and change are imminent."   I love that part. Perhaps this new perspective will help.

Bad Day #2 & Team Willow

I drove with Michael this afternoon to spend some time with Willow at Martha's farm.  As we were pulling up to the barn, Martha called my cell phone. "Your girl is really struggling, Shana..."  I quickly interrupted her to tell her we were there.  It was raining and nearly dark inside the barn.  We walked toward her stall to find Martha and one of her boarders, Laurie, inside with Willow.  Laurie seemed to be assisting Martha, and they explained that Willow was again choking and struggling to swallow.  It had been 4 days since her last episode, and this one lasted even longer.  I tried so hard not to cry, and sweet Laurie left Willow for a minute to come give me a hug.  Though we had just met, she could tell I needed one...  I was just so disappointed and discouraged.  I remember our other vet Dr. Kimmons explaining that mnny horses with "choke" have bad episodes maybe 2 or 3 times a year.  This was two in less than a week. Although now we are all thinking that she doesn't have typical "choke"... that is may be something quite different. So much about Willow is a mystery...

Laurie looked at me intently and told me how much she loved Willow and then she thanked me for saving her. It always feels a bit strange to be thanked, as I feel I am the lucky one... and also, I am certainly not doing this alone.  There are so many wonderful people with me on "Team Willow" (as I like to call it)...  Michael, Martha, Dr. Hawthorne, Dr. Kimmons, Mascha, Laurie, Lynde, Leah & Mark, and all the others at the barn who stop by to say hi or hug her, and certainly everyone who is praying for her and supporting me with well wishes, advice, and encouragement.   Thank you. ♥ 

Day 2 (a rough day)

Upon our arrival, we were sad to find out that she didn't eat at all during the night in her stall. She was offered the same hay & food that she loved the day before, but she wouldn't eat. Nor did she drink but 1/4th a bucket of water. This made me cry, as I was so hopeful after Day 1. So we took her out to hand graze so we could bond while she got some sun and ate some grass. She seemed to really love it...

I love the way my husband Michael held his hand on her as they walked... He adores her.

Here I am trying to smile (when I feel like crying) with my pretty girl... I love how gentle and quiet she is.

When we took her back to the barn to groom her, I noticed how gorgeous the barn light was and took this of her. I love how it shows her sweet whiskers. But almost as soon as we got back, she started to struggle to swallow - technically she was choking (although it's not like a person choking and she could still breathe). It was awful... she was struggling so much, straining her neck, saliva coming out her mouth and nose, pawing at the barn floor with her hoof out of frustration. It was so upsetting, and I cried.  Martha was so calm though, and she treated her while she struggled. Martha is not only a wonderful trainer (and friend) but she is a specialist in Equine Myofascial Therapy. I will write more about that later, but what she does is amazing.  She told me not to worry, but to think positively.... she reassured me that her farm is a healing place (not a place to worry).
 

The episode lasted about 40 minutes. I just don't understand why it happened... we knew that if she ate regular grain too fast, it could swell in her throat and cause her to choke... but grazing on grass was supposed to be the safest thing for her? She had surgery up in Lexington two months ago to remove a cyst in her esophagus. We are wondering now if there is scar tissue or what could be causing this. Dr. Hawthorne will be back tomorrow.

Her first day with us ♥

As we walked her past the barn out to graze for a bit, all the geldings lined up at the fence to admirer our pretty girl. It was pretty cute. :)

Dr. Hawthorne is one of the amazing vets that will be caring for my sweet girl. He's quite a character... very charming, southern, a bit funny, and very wise. (He really is the cutest.) As he examined her, he asked me what my intentions were with her... I answered, "Love her...". He liked that and told me that she was a very sick "lil mare". He ordered no training, muscle building or anything until we could get her weight up. He worries for her immune system, as horses in her condition have weakened immune systems and that puts them at risk of contracting EPM (and we don't want that). He said all she really needs now is "love and groceries". ;) Then he sat down with Martha, and they carefully wrote out a plan...

And when  he began to tell me the plan, he started off by saying, "This lil mare has been abused..." My heart stopped for a minute thinking, not only neglected and abandoned but abused too? So I stopped him and asked him if he meant neglect or abuse? His answer: "Darlin, this kind of neglect IS abuse." He is so right.

She loved grazing... she seems to like it here already... but I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at this and not cry... :( We have a plan though... and I know at Martha's farm she is at the right place...