Weeping Willow - a gift from Michael

Michael disappeared for over three hours the other morning... I had no idea what he was up to, but he returned with a very beautiful gift for me...  a Weeping Willow tree.  He planted it in our backyard near the barn, and I can see Willow's stall from where he put it.  This was the sweetest gift he has ever given me... and it made me cry.

The next day, they delivered Willow's ashes to me along with a certificate and a lock of her mane. They came in a pretty box with her name engraved on it... and also inside was a little bag with the plate and screws from her broken leg surgery.... It was so hard for me to accept these things. How I wished that surgery had worked... how I wish this was all a nightmare and that Willow was still here with me...

I think I will bury her ashes under the Weeping Willow, and then we'll plant some flowers that will bloom every spring.  I can't believe it's almost spring.... it doesn't feel like spring to me...

No Ordinary Rainbow

It rained, and I cried... all day long yesterday.  I started to read through some of the many beautiful emails and comments I've been receiving.  Beautiful poems, stories and verses- many in attempt to answer my question about horses going to Heaven.  People have told me to look for a sign from Willow...  some promised that I would see a sign... or feel her with me somehow.

In the morning, after the kids left for school, I immediately broke down and cried.  I went out to see The Prince and hug on him for a while... and then I walked in the rain to see Paloma and Charlie who were extra sweet to me. When I returned, I went into Willow's stall and sat down on the straw and cried some more.  I tried so hard to quiet my tears because maybe if I was quiet enough it would happen... I would hear her or see some sort of sign.  I waited and waited... but nothing.  I imagined the sky getting bright and looking up to see a rainbow. The clouds would clear, the sun would shine, and a beautiful rainbow would appear.  How I wished I'd see a rainbow... what a beautiful sign that would be.  So all day long, it continued to rain, and I kept looking for rainbows.  I must have gone outside fifty times to look for a rainbow in the sky, but the sky remained gray.  As darkness fell, I was so disappointed.  But then it occurred to me that maybe I would dream about Willow.  Maybe Willow would visit me in my dreams...

When I woke up, I was fine for a moment... but then it hit me.  I remembered my sadness and realized that Willow was gone- and that I didn't have any dreams about her during the night... and I cried.  I texted Martha, "The mornings are so hard.  I wake up and cry when I realize she is gone."   

So I pulled myself together, put on a pot of coffee, and got the kids off to school.  When I returned to my bedroom, I picked up my phone and saw that I had missed Martha's return text:  "Look at the sunrise. From where I am, every cloud has a rainbow edge."   So I jumped up and ran to the window... only to find some pretty clouds behind the hills but nothing with rainbow edges.  I was so upset that I'd missed it.  But the clouds were so pretty and I thought I'd take a photo to show Martha what I was seeing.  When I looked at the photo on my cell phone... this is what I saw:

It wasn't there before... I couldn't see it with my eyes... yet it somehow appeared in the photo. So I snapped again and again... and it kept appearing... a reflection of the heavens with a shape in the middle... the shape of a horse's head.  And it was right over her pasture!

I kept snapping, and it kept evolving... but it was still there... I asked myself was it really a horse head or was it me just wanting it to be?  But then I saw this...

The sun rays brighter now, and to the left of the horse head shape was what looked like a horse! Do you see it?? the ears, the eyes, the nose... the feet...  My heart was racing... So I kept snapping...

And here I see what looks to me almost like a horse leaping toward the sun...  could this be Willow's spirit?  Something told me to go out to the barn... hurry, go out to the barn!  So I did...

This is the first photo I took...  the beautiful sunrays... but when I looked at my phone camera, I noticed the tiny white flare... right next to Willow's stall window!!!  It was cold outside, and I wasn't wearing a coat.  Satisfied with my miracle, heart still racing, I headed back toward the house.  But something called to me... "Go to her stall..."  And as I passed Michael on his way out to feed the other horses, I turned around, "I have to go to Willow's stall!" I cried... and I ran as fast as I could.

And this is what I saw...   and the little white flare was there...  right where the sign that reads "Faith" is hanging on her stall door...  Then something in my heart said, "Open the door..."

When I opened the door, the sun beams were so bright and I felt their warmth.  The hazy sun rays flooded her stall...  And when I looked at the photo I had taken, I could see a rainbow flare like a halo all around the sun rays.  I could still see the little white flare, but there was a pink glow around it now, and I knew it had to be Willow's spirit.. moving ever closer to the sun and resting in the exact spot where we found her late that last night.  It has been so hard for me.. that memory of her there where she looked so uncomfortable.  But suddenly it was so beautiful... and I could feel her there.  And I knew for sure that this was my sign....

I snapped one last photo of the sun on my way back to the house.  And look who followed me...  on her way back up to Heaven.  I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that horses do go to Heaven... and that some lucky Angel will be riding on Willow until I am with her again.  And that until then, she will be with me, in my heart and by my side for always.  Thank you sweet Willow... thank you dear God.... Thank you for this sign.... this miracle... it was so so much better than any ordinary rainbow. ♥

Tea with the Queen

It has been 24 hours since Willow died.  I have cried more than I have slept... but I need to document some of what has happened...

Martha did as I asked. I am so grateful to her... This was her text to me...

"I hugged her, kissed her and scratched her under her mane.  She is free now.  Forever safe where there is no pain, no cruelty, and no suffering..."

And she sent me a photo of Willow with the 4 braids I asked her to put in her mane....  I asked her only after Willow was gone to please cut off the three braids so I could keep them to remember her by... but to leave her one to take with her... from me.  I made her promise not to cut any of her mane until she was gone... (I just kept remembering the only scene that stuck with me from "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"... when they cut the lion's mane off... that always broke my heart....)

My friend Brenna came over to watch the kids, as I was hysterical... and she comforted me until Michael got home.  He was devastated...  he said the moment he saw her x-ray up on the screen and the looks on the faces of everyone in the clinic, he knew...and it broke his heart.  I've never seen him cry like that before...

She was gone.  Willow was gone. How can this be?  No..... no..... I just couldn't stop my tears.... I still can't.  The pain is unbearable.

I have received thousands of well wishes...  poems, personal stories, drawings, and bible verses. Thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart.... As much I as know that Willow's soul was pure, it has been so beautiful to witness the beauty of so many human souls.  In this crazy, desensitized world, beauty and love lives on...  and that comforts me.  And I received several emails and even photos from those who were inspired by our story to rescue a horse in need.  That alone makes my pain worthwhile...  It helps so much to know that even though our journey didn't end how I'd dreamed, I will always know that other horses have beautiful new beginnings...

Someone commented that Willow was "just a horse".   Well, she wasn't just a horse... she wasn't a pet... she was Velvet Willow, and she was my mine.  She was... no, she is my soulmate.  I know some people cannot understand...  but Willow was so much more than a beloved horse.  She was divine.  She was faith, she was hope, she was courage, she was beauty.  Yes, I took care of her... we all took care of her.  But she took care of me.  She was so strong, so regal, so tender and affectionate and gentle with me.  She would look at me for the longest time with those big brown, beautiful eyes... as if she was looking straight into my soul.  And I would see myself in her eyes...   she'd stand so close to me and move her head near me so slowly, so deliberately.  And when I hugged her, she hugged me back.  The feeling of her resting over my shoulder, trusting me and revealing her soul to me...  I cannot describe the beautiful feeling that would wash over me.  I loved the way her fur smelled... God, please don't ever let me forget the way she smelled.... or the warmth of her fur, or the comfort of her mane...  

I didn't take many calls that day, but I knew there were two people that I had to get ahold of.... Nancy and Leah.  I left messages for them both....

It is a miracle that I ever even found Nancy, and I'm so grateful for her support and love for both me and Willow (her Leona C.) throughout this journey. Nancy wrote to me:  Dearest Shana, I have been out of town and just returned to the heart breaking news of Willow. I would call, but I would cause you more pain by adding my pain to yours. As heart shattering as this is, I am trying to think of the positive...a wonderful horse named Willow taught me that. The Queen reigns on most high now. She is wonderfully whole again. That lofty, suspended trot is flying on angel wings. She has NO pain, she has no worried look in her eyes. Her head is held higher than ever...she is happy and free of all the pain her past life gave her. One day, I hope a very long time from now, we all will see her again. And when we see her in the greener pastures, do you know who she is going to run to? It won't be Anita, who raised her, it won't me who proudly rode her and raised Ster babies from her, and it certainly will not be the wicked people who caused her so much suffering. When we see her, it will be YOU, Shana, that she runs to. You, the loving soul that brought her back from misery, You that loved her back to cantering across the fields with her head held high. YOU, you, you......her love, her salvation. She is waiting to see you again one day. Until then, rest assured heaven knows, the Queen has ARRIVED. She is gone from your touch but NEVER your heart. I love you and I will talk, when we both are able.

I am also so grateful to Leah who took Willow and the other abandoned, starving horses in and cared for them as she found them homes.  I cried to Leah for a long while on the phone. As I cried and we remembered together all that was beautiful about Willow, Leah promised me that Willow and I were soul mates and that our souls would be together forever.  We talked about how though Willow was so stoic, some might describe her as "aloof" always holding her head up so high, that Willow would lower her head to me... she was so different with me, so affectionate- almost as if she was loving me like I was her foal.  It is true... I never regarded her as my baby... but rather, it was like she was taking care of me.  She was a good mother to the four babies I now know she had, and I think I experienced some of that nurturing love from her too.  And Leah reminded me of the day I first came to her farm to meet Willow.....  As I went to leave, she lowered her head and nuzzled my chest... right over my heart.  I'm so glad Leah reminded me of that moment.  Near the end of our conversation, I told Leah that I doubted I could ever connect with or love a horse this deeply again... that no other horses would ever be like Willow... what would I do without her?  What do I do now, I asked her...  Everything we did for her... all my hope wrapped up in her and wanting to see her whole, healthy and happy by Spring... and knowing now that I'd never be able to put those flowers in her mane....and why did I have such a short time with her... it was too short... Then Leah stopped me. "Shana, listen to me and think before you answer this question.  Shana, even though your pain is unbearable... and you only had a short time with Willow on earth, and even though it ended this way...  was it worth it?"   And without thinking, I answered, "Yes!  Yes it was...  I feel like I got to have tea with the Queen."     And indeed, I did.  I am SO so lucky....

BROKEN

The plate in Willow's leg is broken... she has a high fever, she is suffering....   I can't believe they are telling me they have to put her down!!!  Noooo.... NOOOOOO.... this can't end this way....  I can barely type through my tears... She's broken, I'm broken...  it should not end this way. This was supposed to be a beautiful story with a beautiful ending.  Spring isn't here, this can't happen now.... I pleaded with Dr. Ruggles, but they all agree that this is the humane thing to do. Nothing can be done for her... her elbow is shattered now... she wouldn't survive months being hoisted in a sling... she is even in too much pain to wait for me to get there... I can't even say goodbye!!!    They have her sedated now but she is still alive... please pray for her... please pray that she goes peacefully and that she KNOWS I love her and didn't send her away...

Martha called... "Do you want her tail, Shana?"   Do I want her tail??  Omg...  and do I want her to be cremated??  How can I survive this...  I need her.  I still need you, Willow.   Things are always supposed to end on a good note with horses right, not like this.. not in pain, not in sorrow... I don't want my last memory of her to be her leaving in me a trailer through my tears...

Martha will stay with her the whole time...  Michael is already on his way home... he was crying too. I asked Martha to please put those three little braids in her mane for me... She needs her three little braids...  To hug her like I did, to kiss on her the right side of her neck... to scratch her under her mane on the left side.... to kiss her on the cheek.  Then Martha held the phone so I could talk to her...  I tried so hard to be strong for her and not to cry... just for a minute...

"Willow....   my beauty.   Please know I love you.  I love you so much.  Thank you for loving me and for teaching me and trusting me.  I am so sorry it is ending this way... I know you are in pain, and I so wanted to walk in the sunshine with you this Spring.  But in Heaven, it's always Springtime... and you won't hurt any more.  Please, please wait for me in Heaven.  And until I get there, please continue to watch over me, because I need you to be my Angel....   I love you so much...  I love you, Willow..."

I just could not utter the words, "Good bye".  God, will I really see her again? I promised her I would...  Please tell me horses go to Heaven...

I am heartbroken.   I am broken.  I am broken.

Willow Update

I have received countless emails and messages from people who were concerned over my lack of updates in the last two days.  I reminded myself that while I am not writing about this journey for others, Willow has captured the hearts of people all over the world.... people that have prayed for her... for me.  People that have offered me support, guidance, advice, and love... people that have lifted my spirits and deepened my faith in humanity.  We've received gifts in the mail from people we've never met... gourmet pears & apples for Willow, a special charm for her halter...  and emails from people who have been inspired to rescue a horse or donate to horse rescue organizations. So, this isn't just about my feelings anymore.  This is about Willow's life.  And it's too important not to share...   

The past 36 hours have been terrifying....

This journey with Willow has always had it's ups and downs, but nothing like the rollercoaster ride we've experienced since she broker her leg.  I can't seem to stop the tears, so I'm just going to write without editing... I just need to write what I"m feeling.

It still shocks me so much that this has happened.  I bought a horse who had been neglected and abandonded and rescued from a terrible place.  She still needed to gain 350 pounds... she had choking issues, ulcers, and was then diagnosed with active EPM.  She is a picky eater, so trying to get her to eat while treating the ulcers and trying to prevent her choking was especially challenging.  She was choking nearly every day at one point... struggling so hard to swallow... but after two months at Martha's farm, it was time for Willow to come home.  She was eating hay, grass, and nearly 8 scoops of special, organic grain and she was finally gaining weight.  Once here, she stopped choking and gained even more weight.  Martha, Michael, Leah, Dr. Kimmons... all of us were overjoyed and amazed at how well she was doing.  I remember specifically one day, as we watched her in the pasture, discussing how she almost looked like a normal, healthy horse..... almost.   And then, the unthinkable happened.   But after coming this far with her, and after falling so deeply in love with her, there was NO way I was going to let a broken leg take her from me.  And I could see in her eyes that she had the will and the strength to survive.  Even on the trailer, shaking in pain, she held her head up high.... her eyes round and bright.  Her surgery at Rood & Riddle was a success, and eight days later Michael drove up to Kentucky to pick her up just to find that she was choking when he arrived.  They had her sedated and scoped but were unable to find anything treatable.  So they kept her overnight, and Michael stayed in a hotel.  The next morning,  Willow came home to what we expected to be an uneventful 8 weeks of recovery and rest in her stall....  We found out that Willow wasn't finishing her food at Rood & Riddle- that and the fact that she choked led us to believe that the EPM was causing her trouble again (since they took her off those meds as to not interfere with others).   She was on Bute for pain, ulcer medication (because Bute irritates ulcers), and then after a few days went back on the EPM medicine.  When she arrived home, we noticed that she wasn't eating much and that shifted her front feet back and forth a lot... and that just got worse and worse.  Dr. Kimmons took x-rays of her feet, her pulse, etc. was normal, so he didn't think it was Laminitis.  Perhaps the ulcers were causing her so much pain that she didn't want to eat either. She has been under our care, as well as Martha's and that of Dr. Kimmons who has been consulting with Dr. Ruggles of Rood & Riddle daily.  We just needed her to eat... so we switched her from Bute to a less irritating pain medication.. but after a couple days, her left front foot got warmer than the others, and she still wasn't eating much. She became increasingly unstable in her back end and struggled to walk.  Martha treated her with Myofascial therapy, Dr. Kimmons is here all the time too, and we even built her an outside stall so she could connect with the earth, feel the sun, and graze on the grass.  Still, she got worse. We've been flooding her with probiotics as well, but since she's barely eating grain, she hasn't been ingesting the special oils, vitamin E, or other supplements that she needs.  She seemed to be drinking less water, so we worried about dehydration on top of everything else.  Saturday morning, our team had a meeting here. Dr. Kimmons, Martha, etc.  We decided to put her back on Bute (because of the warm foot and the fact that she didn't eat even off Bute).  And we added another ulcer medication.  We wrote out a new schedule and assigned responsibilities... and everyone felt so good about our plan. I asked Dr. Kimmons point blank if he had seen horses worse off than Willow survive, and he said that he had... and that we weren't at a critical point yet. Martha felt especially happy about our new plan, and we even found a nurse to come check on Willow and administer IV meds each night (Martha would still do it in the mornings).  Yesterday went reasonably well, and we were feeling more hopeful.  But as the day went on, Willow got more an more wobbly... she really could barely walk.   And last night, when we went to check her at 9pm, we found her laying down to close to her back stall door... her neck was up against the wall, and she looked incredibly uncomfortable. Did she lay down in the wrong place?  Oh my gosh, did she fall???   It was obvious that she was cast in her stall and couldn't get up.  Michael wanted me to help him push her up...  I decided that we needed to open that back door so she would have more room to get up.  We tried to straighten out her feet and then we pushed and although she nearly fell on me at one point, we got her up.  She wasn't right... she was all tucked under in the back end... she was wobbly...  shaking.   I was so worried it would happen again.   We checked on her every couple of hours... and by 4am she was still shaky and hadn't eaten a bite.   Michael and I couldn't sleep...  just wondering what this was all about... why is she getting worse?  Why is she not eating??  But in the morning, Michael found her sleeping in her stall, and her bowl was empty!!  Maybe the new ulcer meds were working?  Did we just turn a corner?  When I got out there with her morning carrots (the only thing she usually seems excited about eating), she was ravenous.  But something was wrong.  Her leg (the one she had broken) was twitching... swollen and warm.  When Martha arrived at 8am, she could also see that something had gone terribly wrong.   We got her to walk, and we noticed that Willow could not longer bear weight on that front right leg.  Her gums were lighter, and we worried that she was on her way to dehydration.  Martha told me that it was time to get her into Dr. Kiimmon's clinic.  She needs fluids and x-rays of her leg.   And then who knows what she will need next...

So I cried as I watched Willow leave in the trailer once more.   And now, things are critical.

She will come back, right?  God, please let her come back.  It just can't end this way...  Spring is almost here.  The rich grass will start sprouting soon, and Willow can gain all her weight and strength back.  She can be whole again... and she can hold her head up high and walk in the sunshine once more.  She is my Black Beauty... please let this end like Black Beauty... please bring her back to me so she can live the rest of her life in happiness...  She has been through so much.  Too much.

Willow, please make it back to me...

Scary morning...

The most beautiful sight in the world to me right now is seeing Willow back on her feet....

Michael checked on Willow at midnight, and she seemed the same... up on her feet but she hadn't eaten anything.  Of course, we were worried... but nothing like how I felt to find Willow flat on the ground, eyes half open, and breathing very hard.  We were both very worried since we'd never seen her like that before...

She wouldn't get up, and she refused carrots (which really isn't like her).  I called Martha, both vets, and then tried all my friends who know a lot about horses... but it was before 7am, and no one answered... I felt so helpless and scared.  Could it be colic, laminitis, pneumonia, what?

Thankfully Martha came over quickly... and Willow got up shortly before she arrived.  We are thinking she must have been in a very deep sleep to have such labored breathing and hope that's what it was.  She lays down a lot, and for extended periods of time. But she is healing and still in pain, so she must need that right now.

Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons do not think her x-rays show founder, but Martha is still concerned this may be the start of laminitis.   Dr. Hawthorne will probably come by later to see her... maybe some accupuncture, etc.

There just isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sweet horse.  She's a fighter, a beauty, and a queen... and probably the smartest horse in the world.  As we stood with Willow, I told Martha that I think a lot about sappy horse movies... you know the kind-  the horse is dying on the barn floor, and people almost give up hope, and then all of a sudden the horse leaps up, shakes her head and everything is better? That is what I want to see happen here...  So, Martha and I prayed together with Willow, and we talked to her.  We talked about wanting her to eat and drink water (as she seemed a bit dehydrated).  And Willow looked at us.  Then she walked over to her hay and had a bite....  then she ate a bit of grain.  Then she splashed and drank some of her water... and then she even licked her mineral salt block, and she looked at us again.... as if to say, "There! And even though you forgot to mention it, I licked some salt too!"   ♥   

Willow.  She is a miracle, I just know it....

Vet on the way...

Dr. Kimmons is on his way here again... Willow is not doing well.  She is in so much pain. When she's not laying down, she just shifts her feet back and forth...  we have her back in her stall with extra padding, and her padded soft boots on, but Martha fears she has laminitis...  

Should know more soon...    I'm so cold and so tired and so sad... 

Not eating...

I love this photo of Dr. Kimmons and Willow...  ♥

He says her incision looks great and was able to take her bandage off and staples out yesterday... 

Unfortunately, Willow didn't eat again last night.  Michael built a small pen for her out on the grass so she can touch the earth and feel the sun and graze a bit.  She has grain and hay out there also. But she still isn't eating.  She will eat carrots from my hand and that's it.  I wonder if she is associating her grain (that she usually loves) with the bad taste of her medicines or something...  I think at this point I'm willing to temporarily switch her grain to the very best tasting most craved grain on the market (not sure what that is), just to get her to eat. 

Going to check on her again now...

Willow Update

My beautiful Willow just one day before she broke her leg...  I remember watching her with a huge smile on my face... thinking how amazing she looked and how far she had come. We finally seemed to be beyond the daily choking struggles, and her weight gain was so noticeable.  I still cannot believe this has happened...

So today Willow is much brighter than yesterday.  She is still laying down a lot, but I think she just needs to get off her feet and rest.  She is eating better (still not enough), and she just seems more alert and in less pain. 

Dr. Kimmons and Martha came this morning to check on Willow, give Charlie & Paloma their shots/coggins and to meet the Gypsy Prince.  We still haven't named him, but that's what the kids have been calling him.  As usual, Willow was an excellent patient.  The Prince, however, was quite naughty and really went a little crazy... nearly knocking Dr. Kimmons & assistant over...  Martha got tough (she's so brave) with him, and then he settled down.  We just don't know enough about his history before his last owner (who only had him a year) to know what he's been through. But we've heard that quite possibly a man had been too rough with him (so sad to hear that).  He's really a sweet boy...

So the plan is for Willow to receive all her meds (except the EPM, probiotics, oils, supplements, etc.) through injection as to not ruin her appetite.  So far, it seems to be helping... we'll see.  In any case, she is just so much better, and I truly appreciate all of the kind words, support, love prayers.   I just know that Willow is a very special horse... not because she's a Friesian or a rescue... and not because she is drop dead gorgeous (because she is)... :)   But I just know there is a greater purpose for her....  her life and struggles and our journey together.  I'm not one to believe in fate or destiny, yet this journey seems somehow that it was meant to be. 

The question remains, though... why?

Downhill part II

There is something about seeing Willow flat on the ground that hurts my heart.  I try to not let fear in, but there's this little voice saying, "What if she never gets up?"   She has been down for over 40 minutes now.  And it's the 2nd time I've seen her lay down today....

Martha came by and gave her a shot of Banamine for the pain.  We aren't going to give her Bute or Gastro-Guard orally any more.  We suspect the bitter taste is ruining her appetite.  Dr. Ruggles from Rood & Riddle also suggested more probiotics... so we gave her some of that too.  I was able to get her to eat two apples, two carrots, 1/2 a scoop of grain, and one peppermint.  Sounds like a lot, but considering she usually eats 8 scoops of grain plus lots of hay each day, it's really not all that much. 

She's just so thin and frail... and it seems that all of her legs are hurting her from trying to compensate for the leg she broke.  She just really needs to eat...  she doesn't have much extra fat or muscle left to waste... 

I've been out with her in the barn all day.  I try to distract her by grooming her and just looking into her deep eyes and talking to her. I stand so close to her, and when I hug her, she rests her whole head and neck over my shoulder.  Today she felt twice as heavy as she usually does. 

I'm off to the barn to check on her again...  

Downhill...

Willow is not eating.  She's so thin... and in so much pain.  My heart is breaking...  This image doesn't even show how awful she looks.  Martha says she feels like we are back where we started, but I fear it's worse than that.  With a broken leg and 8 weeks of stall recovery, we have even more obstacles to overcome.  They told me she wasn't eating all her food at the hospital, and since her last choking episodes, her appetite has decreased more and more.  Last night, she didn't touch her grain or her hay. 

We know that Willow does not like medicine.  She hates the Gastro-Guard (which she needs for her ulcers) and she doesn't care for the Bute either... but she needs it for her pain.  And she is in so much pain.  She is constantly shifting front feet, pawing at the ground (seeing that breaks my heart more than anything), and bending her front legs because she just can't get comfortable.  She no longer holds her head up high, but hangs it low most of the time.  And for the first time ever, Willow has worried eyes...  I've always been amazed that she doesn't have them, but now above her eyes is furrowed... and she looks worried and stressed.

I called Martha in tears this morning... she called Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons.  We are making a plan of what to do.  Right now, I'm going back out to the barn to be with Willow.  It's raining and gloomy outside. And the classical music in the barn makes me cry. 

I'm taking chopped apples, carrots and even Willow's favorite peppermints....  

Please God, give her comfort and bring back her will....

Her new admirer...

He's just the sweetest thing.  He just hangs his head over the door and admirers her.  Willow pins her ears or even pretends to try to bite him, but he doesn't even flinch.  It's like he's telling her, "Hey... I'm here to stay... you know you want me to, so don't fight it."  lol...   And it's true, when we take him away to groom him or let the kids ride him, she whinnies and calls out to him... and then she greets him when he returns.  I guess she thinks she just needs to constantly remind him that she is the queen.  He's pretty passive and doesn't mine her being queen, so that is good.  I'm with her, though... wondering if he doesn't speak "horse"...  because if she pinned her ears like that at me (or tried to bite me), I'd surely run away as she commanded.   Maybe somehow she respects the fact that he seems to love her no matter what?  So so cute!

Day 2 - going a bit better

Willow was not well at all this morning...  but Martha came over and treated her while I groomed her.   Since then, she has been eating better and seems to be doing much better.  And the best news is that when Michael took the new guy (still needs a name) from the stall next to her, Willow whinnied as he walked out. Then we he returned, she greeted him!  Martha says she likes him, so that makes me VERY happy.  I'm so happy she has him... especially during the long nights in her stall.  More tomorrow... :)

Home (part 2)

Snowing, dark, and so cold.... I just came in from the barn.  Willow choked tonight. :(

First day home, and this makes two days in a row.  And it seemed worse than ever.... her throat was so noisy.  As I hugged her and tried to help her, I could feel her throat muscles contracting almost constantly.  She was really struggling for about an hour.

My hands are so cold, but they smell like her. I love the way she smells. I've missed burying my head in her neck and mane and just smelling her soft fur.  I'm so emotional right now...

What is it about comforting her that comforts me so much?   When she struggles, I hug her and try to gently massage her neck, and she relaxes into me and completely drapes her head over my shoulder.  I love when she does that... it's like she completely trusts me... and for those moments I forget that she's 1000 pounds, because she feels light as a feather and I feel so safe.

Martha will call the Dr. tomorrow and likely come over to see what she can do...   My sweet Willow has been through so much.  I just wish she was at least comfortable now...

Home (part one)

I was so excited when I saw the trailer coming down our long driveway, and as Michael opened the door, Willow couldn't yet see me... but I could see her stretching her head up when she heard my voice.  I think she could tell how excited I was to see her again.

She arrived with her bandaged leg and soft boots on her front feet, and we slowly led her to her stall which we had heavily padded with warm, dry straw.  It was snowing outside, and in all my excitement, I'd forgotten to put on my coat.  But I wasn't cold. ♥

Willow reacquainted herself with her stall, but not before noticing her handsome new pasture mate who was intently looking at her from the main pasture behind the barn. We had closed the gate to the round pen which is attached to the barn... so there was a good 60 feet between them.  We decided to take baby steps with their introduction.

I know being on stall rest for the first 8 weeks of her recovery will be very hard for Willow, and it breaks my heart.  She is not used to being locked in her stall.  She comes and goes as she pleases, and she likes it that way.   She was frustrated that the bottom half of her outside door was shut... she pawed at the door, and that broke my heart.  I wish I knew for sure that she understood why this must be.

So after a few hours, we let the new guy (still deciding on a name) into the round pen so they could be a little closer to each other. We kept his stall door completely closed so he couldn't get in (it's right next to hers with a 5 foot wall separation).  He immediately came toward her and put his head in side her stall...  well of course she gave him "the look" and pinned her ears like only she can.  Most horses would have retreated, but he just looked at her and didn't move.  She tried a couple more times but to no avail.  The she did it...  she turned around and put her rear toward him (which in horse language means, MOVE or I will KICK you!!).  Well, instead of moving, he rested his head on her rear!!! I  could NOT believe it..... but look!!   OH my goodness, he is SO sweet and cute.  Willow just looked at me, like "What?? Who is this guy, and he doesn't speak horse or what?"  lol!!  And you know what? She never did try to kick him ♥

(pardon the terrible photo... I was laughing too hard while trying to capture this moment!)

She's coming home!

After recovering another night at Rood & Riddle, Willow is actually in the trailer and on her way home!  Michael had to spend the night at a hotel in Lexington, but picked her up early this morning (so grateful)! 

The doctors were not able to find anything treatable regarding Willow's choking episodes.  Her choking is different than what most people know as the condition called "Choke".   Many have suggested wetting her food, beet pulp, etc... but with her she actually chokes more on that (and must know it because she usually refuses to eat it)...   We honestly feel that the choking has to do with muscles and/or nerves in her throat being affected by the EPM.  The doctors had taken her off her EPM medicine to avoid drug interactions during/after her surgery.  So hopefully once she goes back on them in a week, her EPM will continue to getter better and we can resolve her choking issues.

In any case, Willow is coming home!  It's going to be a lot of work, but I can't wait to see her!! ♥  Thanks to everyone again for all the kind words, well wishes and prayer!  I will update tonight once she's had a chance to settle in and meet her new friend (from afar of course)!

Oh, and it's snowing here!!! ♥

Not coming home... :(

Willow started choking 15 minutes before Michael arrived at Rood & Riddle Equine Hospital to pick her up.  They had her sedated and were in the process of scoping her with a tube and camera when he walked in.... 

I am praying that somehow they will find a reason and solution to her choking issues, but I really doubt it since she has been scoped before...   I can't believe this is happening.  And poor Michael will either have to come all the way home without her or stay in a hotel...

Either way, Willow is not coming home tonight...  I feel so sad.  :(

She's coming home!!

I'm SO excited that my sweet Willow is being released from the hospital today!  Michael is on his way up to get her now... It's almost a 5 hour drive, and it's going to be snowing in Kentucky, so I'm a bit nervous and hope the trip is a safe one.

We have Willow's stall all ready for her... padded with clean, warm straw.... and of course our new sweetie (who remains nameless).  Martha is coming over to play with him with me today, so hopefully we can finalize his name.  He's doing great though...  We brought Charlie and Paloma over to meet him yesterday.  Paloma seemed very interested in him (across the fence), and Charlie got really upset about that... he's super possessive of Paloma.  They are back in their pasture now though, and the big guy is out there munching on grass waiting to meet Willow.  :)

I do hope it warms up soon.  I want to spend as much time out in the barn with Willow as I can.  I need to find more things to add to my list of ideas to keep Willow from getting to bored in her stall for two long months.  I'm just so happy she is recovering so well!

Anyway, we are all smiles around here today!

The Empty Swing

I drove past this empty swing a hundred times when Willow was at Martha's farm.  And each time, I'd stop and look at it for a while.  I'd sit there in my car, staring at it... and sometimes, I'd feel sad and lonely looking at this empty swing. Afterall, it just sits there... empty, like it's waiting for a child to come and laugh and swing from it's branch.  Other times, gazing at the swing would make me feel hopeful...  as if the swing was ready and waiting and knew in it's heart that a special child was on her way to play....

Much like this swing, our barn is empty today...

I miss Willow so much.  And I feel sad that Raven isn't here either. She was a gift from Leah for us to try with Willow.   Everyone agreed that she probably wasn't the best match for Willow afterall, and Leah picked her up a few days ago.  Leah loves her dearly, so I feel good about that. But I do miss Raven. And this wasn't her fault... not anyone's fault. Horses will be horses.  As much as none of us have seen Willow attach or bond to another horse, it was quite clear that she was anxious and lonely not having one to keep her company.  At Martha's farm, she was with Alice and Ada (Percheron sisters in their late 30's) and occasionally a blind pony. Aside from a couple ear pinnings from the Queen, there was never an incident.  And then there was the sweet gelding Colby in the pasture next to her.  Willow and Colby got along great...  I always felt like she treated him like her foal.  Martha and I agree that it was probably the closest thing to bonding that we've seen with Willow.  So perhaps a gelding will be less annoying to her?  In any case, everyone seems to agree that 2 months of recovering in her stall is bad enough, but long nights there without another horse in sight would drive Willow crazy.  It's like she doesn't want them in her space, but she wants to know they are close by (without them knowing she is comforted by their presence). Willow needs a companion.  

Paloma is with Charlie in the back pasture... both not great matches for Willow (as sweet as they are)... and they have each other.  Some people have suggested a goat or donkey... Unfortunately, our neighbors will not allow that kind of livestock  (though when we find our farm one day we will have those, lambs and chickens too)!

So everyone has had their eyes and ears open... for a new friend for Willow. Horses are herd animals with a pecking order within each herd. We have learned that no matter who the herd, Willow will always be queen... so we have been looking for a "low man on the totem pole" gelding....  A sweet boy for her, but one that both Sophie and I can both ride.  I really really want to resume riding this spring... I need the perfect horse.  And I think we may have found one.... Details (maybe) tomorrow.

So... the empty swing...our empty barn... is it loneliness or hopefulness that I am feeling?  A little bit of both I suppose...  Actually, a lot of both.  But the end of the week should bring a new beginning for us. Certainly a new chapter in our story.  I imagine long days in the barn with Willow while she recuperates... and then spring will come, and I can walk her out to graze on the new grass, and she can feel the warmth of the sun on her back.  And before we know it, her leg will have healed, her pain will be gone, and she will be getting fat from that rich spring grass....

 And I can't wait. ♥

Willow's X-rays and update!

Dr. Ruggles from Rood & Riddle just called with an update on Willow.  They were able to get some good x-rays this morning, and he said they look great!  I can't believe she has a plate and 12 screws (and around 50 staples) in her leg!  But so thankful she does... They also sent video of her walking outside over to the Radiology building!  She's walking so beautifully!!!

And here are the X-rays... like Nancy just said to me, "My, she sure has a lot of hardware!"

So tomorrow, they will do some bloodwork and take her off the anti-biotics.  They'll see how she does and monitor her closely for a few more days.  She has to wear a bib because she tries to get at her bandage (and better safe than sorry).... and we'll have to pad her stall with straw to prepare for her arrival.  She'll stay on pain meds, bute, and ulcer prevention meds for a while, and a couple weeks post-op, she will have all those staples taken out (Dr. Kimmons will be tending to her here then).  And then 2 months stall rest (still trying to figure out a plan to survive that), one month small pasture only after that...  It takes 4 months for this to completely heal.  All the while, we'll still be trying to treat the EPM, maintain her success with swallowing (no - choking), ulcers, and trying to get her weight up.  It's a lot... and a bit overwhelming... but we can do it!! ♥  Dr. Ruggles said she might be able to come home Thursday!!! :)