January 18, 2013

Weeping Willow...

                "Weeping Willow with tears running down, why do you always weep and frown?"     

It seems as though Willow has a choking/swallowing episode almost every time I see her now.  It's so hard not to get sad or be discouraged.  It's hard not to doubt.  And my faith fades.  Not my faith in God... but my faith that Willow will recover.  She is so much more sick than we thought originally.  We really thought by now that she'd be almost well enough for me to start riding her.  As it stands now, we aren't even going to think about that for a full year, and I really wonder if I will ever ride her as I dream to.  And I even start to wonder if she will live...  

Just typing that makes my heart hurt... makes me cry and panic.   And it makes me feel guilty for even thinking it.  Many have warned me that Willow might not make it... that I should cherish every moment with her, because she really might not live much longer.  Well, I do.  I love every moment with her regardless...  But it brings me back to my early twenties when my grandmother was sick.  I remember the last time I had lunch with her just before she died.  I knew she was sick, but had no idea she could actually die.  I was so shocked when my Dad called me crying, and I don't want to be dumbstruck like that ever again.  But will realizing I might lose her make the loss somehow more bearable? I am torn between being a skeptic and a dreamer and can't decide which is more safe. 

And if I decide to be a dreamer, because it's a happier place to be... can I stop those thoughts and fears from creeping in?  

I have witnessed great people in this world remain faithful and seemingly fearless in the face of tragedy and much loss.  And here I am, fearful even on good days... and I am so blessed.   I do realize that fear only causes suffering... more suffering.  And I know that God doesn't want this for us.  I want to be like those amazing, faithful people.  But I still struggle.  I want to be that dreamer...  I just need to find my way. 

 

8 comments:

  1. Your no different then the rest of us that love our four legged friends so deeply. They are here for only a short time and we know we will have to say goodbye, so do we live with the fear of that sorrow, that time will catch up and catch us off guard or do we press on, glad for everyday day we have with them. I really do understand where your mind set is, I run the same emotions through my mind and heart when I look at my four legged friends getting older and wonder how I'm going to deal with this when the time comes. I try and push back the negative and live for each day with them because each day is so important to me. I tell myself its time to "live" and get away from this fear of loss which hasn't even happened yet......We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live withing a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would love no other way.....Irvin Townsend

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  2. Maybe somewhere in between skeptic and dreamer which it seems you are doing. Life is gray. You know that Willow is sick and may not overcome her illness. On the other hand you dream of her being in good health and being able to ride her and you are doing all that you can to make that happen. I think that is pretty healthy. We all have to cherish every moment as we do not ever know what the next one will bring. And no matter how we try to prepare ourselves for loss and for the deaths of loved ones, we are always dumbfounded. Death is shocking, no matter the context. The 85 year old daughter asks why did my mother have to die? Her mother was 110. True story. And lastly some people are "fearless in the face of tragedy" however, this does not mean they are not heartbroken and devastated. Maybe they have a lot of experience with it, have learned to cope, etc....Take care. With Love from an old friend from another chapter. -Dale

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  3. Put Willow's life in God's hands. Whenever Willow's life ends she will have lived her last moments knowing she was deeply loved. Is there anything more important than that? Her illness and the day to day reminder that it may be your last with her could be the biggest blessing of all in her life and yours. Unlike other relationships with people and animals, not a moment of your time with Willow is taken for granted. As much as you want her to recover and have wonderful years ahead with you and your family,that may or may not be God's plan but, it was obviously God's plan that the end of Willow's life...whenever that may be... would be filled with love. The greatest love you can ever have for Willow is to forget what your sorrow will be when she is gone and pray for what is truly best for her....for God's will to be done. Your dream was to be able to ride her...Willow's dream may just have been for someone full of love to rescue her, take care of her, walk with her through the fields, talk to her, look into her eyes...and just LOVE her. Would her life be any less meaningful if she isn't able to ride again? I don't think so. She has forever touched the lives of not only you, your family and all the people working first hand to take care of her but also all of us Willow followers. Sometimes it takes horrific circumstances to put someone, or in this case Willow, in the position to be able to demonstrate the very best of life and humanity. Robyn Bova Facebook friend

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    1. Thank you so much Robyn... I totally agree with you. I hope my post didn't come across that I would be disappointed to not ride her. It's quite the opposite in fact.. just having a beautiful friendship with her is a greater gift than I ever thought I would experience from having a horse. I can ride any horse, but she is my soulmate... xo

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    2. Shana, Your post didn't come across as you being disappointed to not be able to ride Willow. No one takes on this labor of love to just have a horse to ride!
      Robyn

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  4. Shana, who is to say that you will outlast Willow? The present moment is NOW and NOW is all that is real. Don't lose your todays worrying about unknown tomorrows. You AND Willow are both so blessed by having the amazing gift of each other, enjoy every second of it, please! Then someday, soon or not so soon, your tears will be salted with the joyous times you had together; and then those moments, however few or many, will remain truly special forever.

    ;)
    scott

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  5. I am praying for her and for you. you wrote this part beautifully:

    And if I decide to be a dreamer, because it's a happier place to be... can I stop those thoughts and fears from creeping in?


    I have witnessed great people in this world remain faithful and seemingly fearless in the face of tragedy and much loss. And here I am, fearful even on good days... and I am so blessed. I do realize that fear only causes suffering... more suffering. And I know that God doesn't want this for us. I want to be like those amazing, faithful people. But I still struggle. I want to be that dreamer... I just need to find my way.

    I felt it as i read it.

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  6. written so well. I felt it.
    have witnessed great people in this world remain faithful and seemingly fearless in the face of tragedy and much loss. And here I am, fearful even on good days... and I am so blessed. I do realize that fear only causes suffering... more suffering. And I know that God doesn't want this for us. I want to be like those amazing, faithful people. But I still struggle. I want to be that dreamer... I just need to find my way.

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