April 17, 2013

Goodybe Girl

  Goodbye Girl
    -By David A. Gates  

All your life you've waited for love to come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it's hard believin' the words you've heard before
But darlin' you must trust them just once more... 'cause baby
Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away
'cause the things you do my goodbye girl
Will bring me back to you.

I know you've been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin' in
But I can wait forever, a-helpin' you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me
...so remember

Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart
So forget your past my goodbye girl
'cause now you're home at last.

I'm having such a rough day.... I miss Willow so much.  I would do anything for just one more Willow hug.  Out of all the photos I have of Willow and although I didn't think much of this one when I took it, I think it might be my favorite.  I will never forget the way she looked at me, willing me to stay that day.  She didn't want me to leave...  and I knew she loved me. I probably need to stop listening to sad songs that make me think of her... that make me cry.  But the lyrics to this song are so fitting...

So forget your past my goodbye girl

'cause now you're home at last.

April 10, 2013

Prayers for Ada

I woke up early again this morning... with a sick, sad feeling in my heart.  And I realized, it has been exactly one month since Willow passed away...

The weather is supposed to be beautiful today... over 80 degrees and sunny.  But when I look outside, all I see is a dark, cloudy sky.

I asked Martha to come early so that we could work with The Prince a bit after Mirabella's lesson and so she could check out the new barn we built for the geldings in the back pasture.  I was so looking forward to spending the first half of the day in the sunshine with Martha.  We have been working on a list about Willow- everything she tried to teach us - so I thought we could finalize the list today.

But Martha just called.  I knew something was wrong right when I heard her voice.  "It's Ada," she said... "She's down in the field, just like Alice was... and she's struggling.  We are going to have to put her down..."    Poor, sweet old Ada... what a beautiful soul.  And was always so grateful that she was a faithful friend to Willow while she was at Martha's farm.  I hated to hear that she was down and that she had probably broken her shoulder... just like Willow had.

The tears came fast and I told Martha that I was on my way to come be with her.  After what Martha did for me just one month ago today with Willow, it was the least I could do.  I just pictured her in the pasture trying to comfort sweet Ada until the vet could arrive... not knowing when that would be.  At first, Martha said it was fine, but then she told me not to come.  She said Ada's owner Michelle was on her way and that she had other friends already at the farm.  She said she didn't want me to see Ada that way... that it wasn't pretty or peaceful.  She knows my heart is still raw from the pain of losing Willow, and she wanted to spare me seeing the process.  Ada is struggling in the field right now, and Martha is having a hard time pacifying her.  She can't give her anything that might interfere with the sedation and drugs the vet will give her.  Martha is so strong, but I can tell she is sad...  Still, she told me how blessed she was to have Ada in her life, and she told me how much she'd learned from Ada.  She said it was Ada's time to go and be with her sister and to be with God.  So I asked her to please kiss Ada for me.  And I asked her to ask Ada to say hi to Willow when she sees her in Heaven...

Martha rescues Ada in 2008

What is it about a horse's life that is so epic to me?  They all seem to have such a story to tell.  Ada and her sister Alice's story is an amazing one.  The newspaper article about Martha and these two amazing mares hangs framed on the tackroom wall in Martha's barn.  I've written about them a couple times here...  (here is when Alice passed  http://www.velvetwillow.com/2013/01/a-sad-day-at-marthas-farm.html).  I'm quite sure they will bury Ada right next to Alice in the field...

Ada is in her late 30's... if she were a woman, she'd be over 100 years old.  Yes, it may be her time but it breaks my heart to think of her in pain and struggling at this moment.  And I also ache for Martha's heart...    Prayers for both of them.   It's going to be a long morning...

April 4, 2013

Comfortably Numb

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.

                                - Roger Waters / David Jon Gilmour 

I have had such a hard time coming back to update here... it's just so hard for me still.   I miss Willow.  I just miss her so much...  

Maybe I've tried to forget all of this in some way, and coming back to my blog reminds me.  And it hurts too much to remember.  Sure, I have pretty pictures of little Mirabella, and funny photos of The Prince...  but as pretty and cute as they are, I feel such a deep, painful void in my life since Willow left.  And on top of not having Willow to go to for comfort and to make me feel safe and soulful.... I think I may actually have a hole in my heart.

I still can't believe she is really gone.  It seems like only yesterday I smiled as I watched her running though the back pasture... prancing with her head held high... happy and doing so well.  But at the same time, it seems like I haven't seen her in so long...  And I'm so afraid I will forgetI don't want to forget. I want to remember everything about her...  the depth of her eyes, the smell of her fur, the warm, safe feeling of her mane.  With her, I felt like I was homeI need to write about her... what made her so divine and I need to list everything she tried to teach me... so I can continue to learn- because I need to be more like her.  And I want to teach Mirabella and even my own children... the lessons I learned from Willow.  I wish I could do a better job of describing what she was to me and how she made me feel... and how important she was and always will be to me.  Or how truly divine she was...

So I have been going through the motions, enjoying my children, my family, my horses.  Coffee in the morning and wine at night...  and my days are full.  Yet a part of me feels numb.

Am I numbing myself so I don't feel the pain?  I still wake up at 4:30am each morning with the sad realization that she is gone...  and I look out my window for another sign... for the sun to come.  But winter won't seem to go away.... it just won't leave.  I need to feel the sun...   

And I haven't cried in so long... not until today... right now as I write.  Perhaps this is what I was trying to avoid.  Like I said in the beginning... many posts ago....  I don't like to feel sad.  I don't read sad books, and I don't watch sad movies.  Yet the story in my own heart is so sad. And confronting it... writing it... makes me cry.  

I've always protected myself.  I've always chosen the safe route....   But I know in my heart that I have to keep writing... and I need to cry.  I need to keep my emotions raw and my feelings close to the surface, as painful as it really is.  Because the more time that passes, the more my memory of Willow is at risk of becoming  that "fleeting glimpse".  And I have to keep my dream alive...

No...  No, I do not want to become comfortably numb...