Letter to Willow (on the anniversary of her death)

Dear Willow, 

It has been one year today since you left... and I don't miss you any less. I miss you every second of every day.  I miss your hugs, the way you smell, the softness of your fur, your three little braids, and the way you'd rest your head over my shoulder.  I miss the butterflies I felt when I was with you and how you made me feel so safe..  like a child home in mother's arms... and I miss the comfort of your love and strength . I just miss you. 

And I do still dream of seeing you healthy and whole in your pasture during the spring... on the green grass with all those tiny yellow flowers and the sunshine warming your back...  Even though that day never did come...

Yes, I've missed you my sweet girl. But I finally understand why you had to leave me though. I felt it then, but I know now beyond any doubt that you were my special angel... sent by God... my very own angel. And I realize that you were never meant to be with me for more than a short time here on Earth.  But somehow you've always been with me, and will always be. That is so obvious now looking back.. after all your health issues were resolved, you had that awful accident that broke your leg. We sent you to the best surgeon in the world, but even so, the surgery failed only a week later and despite my pleading, they had no choice but to take you. You were with me just long enough to show me all that you had come to teach me. You gave me so much, but even after your death you kept sending me gifts and signs... beautiful signs. Because of you, my faith was renewed and strengthened... because of you, my relationship with Martha grew into a beautiful friendship... because of you, we went on to rescue other horses.  Because of you, I found opportunities to pay it forward and to share just a bit of the love you gave me with others... and because of you, my world will never ever be the same. Ever.

Proof of God's love, your story has changed not just my life, but the lives of many.  I continue to receive personal stories from people around the world who have been inspired to rescue a horse, make a donation, or volunteer their time to help horses in need... and all in your name.  There was even a little girl who had been following our story and decided that for her 11th birthday, instead of birthday presents, she would ask everyone to bring items to donate to the local horse rescue... and instead of having a party, all of her guests joined her in delivering these items to the rescue.  The photos her big sister sent me will forever stay in my heart.  

And then there are the emails I've received from people regarding their faith and God.  People who were finally sure they'd see their loved ones again one day... because they knew for sure now that Heaven exists...  people who had lost faith but found it again through our story... and people who had conquered their fears or who finally found the strength to make a change or the courage to follow their dreams. And somehow all because of you...  One of my favorites was from a woman named Becky.  She sent this to me during the holidays, and it was the best Christmas gift ever:

"Shana, I grew up with horses until the age of 10 when my mother left me and I ended up in foster care. For 46 years I put that life behind me, and while I still loved horses, I never allowed myself to get close to them as it brought painful memories back. Your love story with Willow changed all of that for me. I am riding again and giving my talent of photography to those around me who ride. I want you to know that Willow, through your writings, saved me as well. I'm glad she continues to bless you. Merry Christmas to you and your family." 

I love it when people call our story a love story.  I set out to rescue you... but you rescued me.  And you loved me and showed me what it looks like to live without fear, to rise above, and to love and trust without condition.  Yes ours is a story about love, and since God is love, it's a story about God too.  It's a story of love and of faith... Beauty from ashes...

Yesterday in church, when everyone was praying silently, I was so lost in prayer and thinking about you that I didn't even notice Martha had stood up... until she bent down and whispered in my ear, "Listen, Shana... this is the song I used to sing to Willow."  I opened my eyes and heard the beautiful words "How Great Thou Art..."  Martha and I looked at each other and no words were necessary.  I've never heard that song at this church before... in fact I haven't heard it since the last time Martha sang it to you.  To us.  And I flashed back to those cold days last winter out in your pasture, us comforting you as you struggled... And Martha singing those words ever so softly... "How Great Thou Art..."

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

So today I am choosing not to be sad that you are gone.... but happy and lucky... so lucky... that you were mine at all.  And that you are still and forever with me.   I carry you in my heart....

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
Anywhere I go, you go my dear
And whatever is done by only me
is your doing.

I fear no fate.
I want no world...
It's only you.
Whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing...
it's only you.

Here is the deepest secret
nobody knows...
And this is the wonder
that keeps the stars apart,

I carry your heart,
I carry it in my heart...

             - E.E. Cummings

My beauty, my Velvet Willow... I love you.  Thank you for rescuing me.


Love forever,
Shana

Rain's Accident

Yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life...

Martha came to work with Rain and Violet.  It was sunny and warm, and I was so excited to ride Rain.  When I got out to the barn, Martha had Rain in cross ties and was grooming her.  Everything was fine as always, but while we were tacking her up, something went terribly wrong.  We have no idea why, but all of a sudden Rain started pawing at the ground. I was standing right next to Rain, and Martha was behind me. Martha knew what was coming and pushed me back out of the way, "Shana stay back!"  It all happened so fast, but I remember Martha calmly whispering Rain's name as if pleading for her to calm down. But it was too late... Rain backed up, pulling so hard; and then she reared up violently yanking both cross tie bolts out of the walls.  I saw her go up, and the cross ties go flying.. almost in slow motion.  And I keep replaying it all in my mind.  When the bolts finally came loose, rain catapulted backward and flipped completely over taking out everything in her path. She landed in the worst way... falling against the sliding barn door and landing on a chair smashing it to pieces underneath her. It was so awful to watch and even worse to see her lying there.. the sliding door pressing into her stomach, and her two front legs against the outside of the barn and back legs inside.  All four legs too close to the walls- she was stuck... and she was still. Too still. It was just under a minute probably but felt like an eternity with her down like that on top of debris, just still.  My hands over my mouth, tears rolling down my face.. I was in shock I think.  I didn't know it at that moment, but Martha was sure that Rain had broken her neck.  What I did know was that Martha was scared.  She tried to be calm and strong for me, but I'm very connected with Martha and could feel exactly what she was feeling... she was scared to death.  And so was I.  Still, Martha remained calm on the outside and walked slowly over to Rain and scratched her lightly on her neck... "Rain, it's okay girl... get up. Get up, Rain..."   And then after some pushing and kicking against the barn walls, Rain thrashed and struggled her way up.  Before she could take off, Martha took her rope and started to assess the damage.  She was pretty banged up... cuts, scrapes, patches of missing fur, and puncture wounds in her mouth.  And not surprisingly, she was lame and limping.  Mostly though her neck and head are so sore.  Dr. Kimmons said to give her two grams of Bute and to observe her.. that she'd probably feel worse before she felt better.  And that Monday he'd come and run some tests if she didn't show signs of improving.  I love this horse so so much....  I am so worried about my Rainy Belle...  Martha is coming today at 2:30 to work on Rain... she thinks a little myofascial therapy  will help her.

I still can't believe it happened.  And only two days before the year anniversary of Willow's death. :(

My poor sweet, gentle Rain. Please God let her heal- both physically and emotionally from this...

I love Rain

Here we are together... even though we are both muddy, I love this photo because I think my smile shows how happy she makes me. She's so soft and gentle... She gives me unlimited kisses, and her whiskers tickle my cheek. And she smells like cinnamon. ♥

I'm so crazy about her. ❤ Something woke me up early and I felt the need to go out to the barn... so glad I did. Look at the sun streaming into Willow's old stall. It was 19 degrees but I felt so warm... She is always with me. (taken with iphone)

A Christmas Gift

It's Christmas Eve, and something very special and beautiful happened this morning... I woke up early and went out to feed the horses. It was cold, and the sun was peeking up over the hills. I put hay down for Misty right outside Willow's stall. But instead of eating it right away, Misty looked toward the sun, and then all of a sudden, it started to snow! I grabbed my cell phone from my coat pocket and started snapping. You can't really tell how much, but the snowflakes were the big fluffy kind. And as they fell from the sky, I got that old familiar feeling - almost like butterflies - that I used to get when Willow was with me. Snow always reminds me of Willow, but this morning, I knew she was with me. I think Misty knew too. I can't believe I caught this moment with my iPhone. I think the snow was Willow's gift to me... a peaceful reminder of God's love (just like she was). What a beautiful way to start my Christmas Eve... my heart is so full. I wish everyone could experience their own Christmas miracle today... ♥

Morning at Martha's Farm

One year ago today, Willow was delivered to me at Martha's farm.. I drove out there early this morning and surprised Martha. I brought Martha a small, handmade painting of a Friesian horse on old barn wood.  I also brought the old Faith sign that I kept on Willow's stall door, and I hung it back up. Martha gave me a big hug, and we spent some time together right there in Willow's stall.

I don't think I'll ever be able to express just how grateful I am to Martha for all she did for Willow... and for me.  Mostly though, for loving Willow with her whole heart. Willow has brought many gifts to my life... and one of the greatest gifts is Martha's friendship.  Yes, we were friends before, but our friendship has grown so much during our journey with Willow and even now many months after her death.  Martha has done amazing things for our horses, but truly the most amazing thing is what she has done for my soul and for my faith.  I appreciate and admire her so much... she is sure proof of God's love.  And I am the fortunate witness...  and the very lucky recipient of her guidance, encouragement and unwavering love.

I cried plenty of tears this morning- happy tears because I am so thankful for the time I had with Willow and for everything our journey together has meant to me. And look who showed up right when I was about to leave... Abigail! Willow's best kitty friend... such a sweet kitty. I really feel like Willow was there today too... right there with us. In fact, I know she was.

One year ago & a new photo of us

I came across this photo of us from last winter... I don't have any photos from the day I met her (I was too stunned to pick up my camera)...

A year ago today, I met the soul and started the journey that would forever change my life in the most miraculous ways... I will never forget the complete shock and sadness I felt when I first saw her. And I felt so scared... I was just so scared.

It must have been some special kind of faith deep down inside of me that helped me make this decision - despite my fears and doubts. My has that faith grown... and grown... and it continues to grow. And I think my heart has grown too. I experienced the most incredible love and witnessed the kind of hope and strength I only wish I had myself. I learned so much from her... yes, I learned SO much from her... much about life, much about faith, and much about love. I have so much more to learn, and the miracle is that she is still teaching me.

And though our time on earth together was short, our journey together lives on. She is with me. She is in me. She watches over me... Yes, I miss her, but I'm happy that our story has inspired others in so many positive ways; and I am comforted by the stories others are still sharing with me... .. stories of faith renewed, horses rescued, donations made, poems written, and long lost dreams fulfilled... and all in the name of my amazing, beautiful, divine horse named Willow.

 I do believe she was God's gift to me, and I am so so grateful...

The reason I hold on...

The reason I hold on 

'cause I need this hole gone...

 Funny you're the broken one 

 but I'm the only one who needed saving... 

                                                                                          (Rihanna)

I think this was the last photo of us together. I was a mess... crying so hard in the comfort of her mane. I am trying so hard to learn from my sweet Willow... though she was a horse, she rose above all of the awful things in her life and held her head so high. She was such a good example for me, and I've been trying harder to live like she did.

And though I still have so much more to learn from her, I am so so thankful to God for showing me the light through my wonderful Willow. Truly... I've experienced a miracle. And she has saved me...

But I still miss her... ♥

I can't believe this....

Tuesday night I had the most vivid dream.  I dreamt that I was over in the mares' pasture and was noticing that Misty had gotten very fat.  Martha arrived, and as I was walking her over, I said, "You won't believe how fat Misty has gotten!"  Martha took one look at her, then at me... and then she ran to her car and brought back a stethoscope.  She put the monitor up to Misty's belly, looked at me and said, "Shana... Misty's pregnant!!"

I didn't really think anything of the dream, but I mentioned it to Amy when she came to train Misty yesterday.  Amy looked at me funny and then looked down at Misty's teats.  And without a word, she reached down and squeezed...  And fluid came squirting out!!!  I almost fainted...   Oh my gosh... "Amy, omg... is Misty really pregnant?"

Misty isn't huge... she doesn't really look pregnant to me.  But my vet said he'd have to come examine her to be able to tell for sure.  Everyone says you can't always tell.  And especially since she was real skinny not too long ago...

Martha came to see Misty today... and she noticed that Misty's teats had grown in size.  She expressed some of the liquid as well.  She said it was clearish, yellowish and sticky.  She said it was Colostrum.  Dr. Kimmons said if it is Colostrum, then she is pregnant, and the foal will come soon.

Tonight I called Isaac, the kid I got Misty from.  I asked him if he though it was possible that she was pregnant.  He replied, "I have no idea, Ma'am."    Then he reminded me that he'd had her less than a month and said, "Well, I suppose she coulda been out in a field with a jack stud or somethin' before I got her... hahahah..."    Yeah, that wasn't funny.

So I grabbed the one piece of paperwork I have on Misty and called Daniel Smith's number.

Me:  "Hi Daniel... it's Shana, the one who had your Cheyenne.  Do you think there is any way she could be pregnant?"

Daniel:  "Well, ma'am.... I wouldn't be surprised.   Yeah, we were kinda wonderin' the same thing.  You know it takes a year or so... and we didn't have her for all that long."

Me:  "Oh my gosh... well why wouldn't you be surprised???"

Daniel:  "Well the other mare we got from there was thinner than Cheyenne was.  And she spit out a colt one day... surprised us all.  The colt died... I guess 'cause she was so malnourished...   Hey if she has a colt, let me know, will ya?"

Me:  "What? So she didn't look pregnant and you didn't know she was, and then she just had a baby?"

Daniel:  "Yep, she just spit out a colt one day right there in the field."

So I texted back and forth with Dr. Kimmons, Martha, Amy and my friend Erin for a while...  then upon everyone's advice, we opened the stalls to make a large double birthing stall... we put in fresh water and food and lots of clean straw on the ground.  We put the other mares on the other side of the fence and let Misty have extra hay and a bowl of the mother/foal feed we had left over from Mirabella.

Everyone is on call... and I am so nervous.  How can this be happening?  I feel excited, sad, nervous, anxious, and scared all at the same time...

And I don't know nothin' bout birthin' baby horses!! lol! ♥

Misty's History - 6 owners in 6 months

Two days after Misty arrived, I received her Coggins report in the mail.  I was glad the kid followed through and mailed it to me...  The report was dated 5-8-13 and listed Daniel S. as her owner.  It said her name was Cheyenne and listed her age as 17.   If there was ever any doubt, now I was totally sure...  Isaac (the kid I bought her from) was a horse broker.  He'd had her less than a month... and told me she was 15 and that her name was Misty.   Wow, maybe this wasn't even her report?  Determined to find out more, I called Daniel S....

Daniel answered the phone and seemed happy to answer my questions about Misty.  Of course my first question was, "So when did you sell the horse to Isaac?"  His answer.... "Who's Isaac?"

My heart sank.  Then Daniel went on to explain that he sold her to some sort of sales barn or auction house.  And he sold her for just a couple hundred dollars...   When I told him about Isaac and how much I paid for her, Daniel said he felt bad that I got so ripped off.   I told him I had no regrets, but was just sad about her poor condition and her history of obvious neglect.  And I told him that I loved her.

So I asked Daniel to tell me everything... I had so many questions.  Why did he sell her?  Where did he get her? Who named her Cheyenne?  Was he sure of her age?  What was her training and experience?  Medical history? How did her face get like that?  Her mane, tail, the scars, etc.?

I took notes as Daniel told me all he knew....      He told me that he named her Cheyenne and wasn't sure of her age or medical history.  He sold her because she was too fast and rough... riding her was hard on his back.  When describing her, he used the word "spirited".  He also said that she had a hard time getting along with other horses... that she was always the dominant one and would fight other horses off.  He said that was probably why they kept her all alone in a small pen at the sales barn.  By the way she looks, I wondered what else they had done to her at that sales barn...

As for Misty's history...   I was shocked to learn that Daniel had only owned her for  4 months before selling her to the sales barn who sold her to Isaac.  The guy he bought her from didn't know her name or her age and had "rescued" her from some other sales house (although I thought he said slaughter house...  and looking back, maybe he did) just a month earlier...   at that point, Misty was very very thin and in bad shape.  He also mentioned something about her and another horses being sold as a pair for $400... both underweight, etc. 

Though I was taking notes, I couldn't believe what I was writing and confirmed it with Daniel.

-  6 months ago,  Misty was starving & thin and owned by some sales barn / auction house (owner 1)
-  Some guy bought her and another thin horse as a pair and kept her for a month (owner #2)
-  Daniel S. then purchased her and kept her for 4 months (owner #3)
-  Daniel sold her to another sales barn / auction house where she stayed  for two weeks (owner #4)
-  Isaac bought her, kept her for a couple weeks and then listed her on Craigslist (owner #5)
-  And of course just this week, I bought her from Isaac (Lucky owner #6 who will keep her forever)

Amazing how many times one horse can change hands in a matter of months...  And I thought of  the story of "Black Beauty"...

Martha and Dr. Kimmons think Misty is 12.  Isaac said 15...  no one really knows I guess....   but if she could have 6 owners in 6 months... how many times did she change hands before that?   We all agree that she has surely been "cowboyed" pretty harshly in the past....  and I know that Isaac did a little barrel racing with her.  But I still wondered how she got her scars and why her face looked so battered....  why she was missing half her mane and if her tail had ever been brushed.  So I asked Daniel about her condition and obvious neglect.

Daniel seemed shocked and told me that he had taken good care of her...  he declared that he was never going to use that "sales barn" again.  I texted him a couple photos of Misty....  and this was his reply:

"I can't believe her face and tail.  My wife didn't like her back then but she even feels sorry for her now."

And that made me cry.  And I wondered.... is this the first time in her life that Misty is being loved?

Misty Blue

Oh, It's been such a long long time
Looks like I'd get you off of my mind 
But I can't, just the thought of you 
Turns my whole world misty blue...
                                        -Bob Montgomery 

Misty Blue is one of my favorite old songs.. and it's always reminded me of Willow and my love for her...   

And when I was a little girl, my Grandpa had a horse named Windy Blue...   I think of my Grandpa every day, especially now that I have horses.  I know he would have been so excited and proud that I'm somewhat of a country girl now and especially that I love horses just as he did.

I have so many wonderful memories of our summers at Grandpa's ranch.  He was an amazing man...  I miss him so much.  Sometimes I wish I could call him to ask him for his advice, and now that I have horses of my own, I wish I knew more about how he took care of his horses... his theories, his methods, etc.

Mostly though, I just wish I could call him to tell him about Willow, what I've learned from her, and all of the miracles she's sent to me.

And I wonder if he and Willow are up in Heaven together...

That's me on the left riding my favorite horse, Dan.  My Grandpa with the sweet baby... and my Dad and little brother riding Windy Blue.

So in honor of my Grandpa and my love for Willow, my new mare's name will be Misty Blue...

Misty (part 2)

I think the kid was shocked at how easily he had just sold this horse.  I could tell he was thinking, "What does this girl want with a horse like this?"  And he probably wouldn't understand that I just wanted to love her...

He didn't bring any paperwork with him.. not even the coggins report which he promised me he had.  I typed up a quick bill of sale and handed him a copy along with a self addressed, stamped envelope so he could easily send me the coggins report.  Everyone said I'd never receive it, but I chose to believe that I would.

Martha showed up shortly after he left.  I think she was a bit shocked at Misty's condition.  Her tail looked like it had never been brushed and was like one big dreadlock.  Half her mane was missing, and she had open cuts and scrapes on her face where she probably was reaching under a fence to get to some grass.  She also had scars on the sides of her mouth from the bit that someone had obviously used a heavy hand with. She was dirty and cut up, and her feet were in dire need of a trim. But what I noticed the most was her big, round, amber eyes. She had kind eyes and long eyelashes... And something about her reminded me of Willow.  Martha and I wondered what else we might find and just what this poor horse had been through.  We knew for sure that she'd been through a lot and that it might take a long while before she would really trust us.  She lowered her head and was so sweet as she drank water and ate some hay.  And after giving her the once over, Martha said to me, "Shana, I know you have been helping that other rescue horse.. but I've met her; and this horse needs you way more."

Martha could see how much I already loved Misty... "I need her too," I said as I leaned in for my first hug from Misty.... "She's my white Willow."

Misty

The other day I decided I should check in on the girl with the bay mare that needed help.  To my knowledge, her feet hadn't yet been trimmed.  I had offered to pay for the farrier but hadn't heard from the girl in days.  I couldn't find her phone number, so I went on Craigslist to find the ad so I could call her.  I used my regular search terms but couldn't find the ad.  Knowing that she changes the ad often, I decided just to type in "Quarter Horse Mare".   Well, I didn't find the ad... but what I did find intrigued me for some reason.  The very top ad was for a grey mare:

Hi, I am selling my 15 yr old QH trail mare. "Misty" is approx 15.1 hh, built nicely with correct conformation. She is very sweet and love attention, being petted, groomed, etc. Stands well for farrier, baths, saddling, grooming, etc. Loads and trailers great, no problems. Misty is currently without shoes and does fine barefoot, not tender footed or stumbly. She has a nice walk, trot and lope. You can neck rein or direct rein her. She has a soft mouth, very easy to control and handle. Also has a great stop and reverse. No problems crossing water, ditches, bridges, puddles, logs and anything else you might find on the trail. Misty rides good in a group or alone.  Serious inquires only.

And she was beautiful.   There was something about her.... Something that called to me.

I emailed the ad to Martha and texted her:

Me:  If I email you, will you check it right away?  You might think I'm nuts... and you have to keep this on the down low for now... don't tell Michael yet. :)

Martha: Uh oh... sounds serious.

Me:  Keep an open mind.  You know my feelings... and Willow....

Martha must have checked my email right away...

Martha:  I think I might cry!  If you don't get her, I think I should!!!  What a GREAT horse!!! Takes me straight to my childhood...

Me:  Omg will you go see her tomorrow for me?  Guy has lots of calls on her... Omg... I KNEW it!

Martha:  Don't think I need to look at her.

Me:  Why not?  My feelings? Your feeling?  Or you just trust mine?

Martha:  She is perfect.  I love her.

And that was enough for me. I called the guy and offered him full price + $100 to bring her to me in the morning.  I already knew before I told Martha that this horse was meant to be with me.  What I didn't expect was for Martha to be so gung ho.  I pretty much broke ALL her rules on buying a horse:  Don't buy a horse off Craigslist.  Don't buy a horse you haven't ridden.  Don't buy a horse unless you've seen it twice. Don't buy a horse without a vet check, etc. etc.   Her reaction was amazing to me... still is.  But I know that Willow had something to do with that.... 

And when Michael walked in the room a few minutes later, he recognized my "Guilty Lucy" smile right away.... "Lucyyyyyy.???  What have you done???"   I explained it to him and rationalized that this way, we could take two mares out on the trail, and one could stay back to watch over Mirabella.  It really was a good plan, if I don't way so myself.  And I guess Michael must be getting used to my craziness...  because he merely answered,  "Okay... but this is the LAST one."  :)

I woke up in the morning so excited to meet Misty, and I texted Martha.

Me:  Oooohhh you are  in SO much trouble with Michael.  You are officially now my ETHEL!  She'll be here tomorrow at 11am.

Martha:  Does Michael know about this?

Me:  yes lol.  He says I, noooo WE are nuts.

Martha:  Yeah, I'm starting to feel a little nuts!

The guy showed up with Misty at 11am sharp.  He pulled up hauling a very old rustic black horse trailer, and he was much younger than he sounded on the phone.  As he walked back to open the trailer, I asked him how old he was and how long he'd been riding.  He answered in a very thick southern accent, "Nineteen Ma'am.  And I  been ridin' since I was knee high to a grasshopper." 

And this was my first look at my new girl...

She was super cute... but she didn't look anything like the photos I saw.  Her mane was half gone, her tail was mangled, she had scars and cuts all over her, and her face was full of grey patches where her fur had worn off... we think probably from her halter being left on 24/7. And her feet had also been neglected and desperately needed a trim. I knew now for sure that Willow had led her to me...   It was clear that she had had a rough life... and from talking to this kid, I surmised that he really knew nothing about her.  He mentioned that she'd probably been ridden hard by a cowboy or two at some point. When I asked how long he'd had her, he wouldn't answer but just said, "Non that long, Ma'am."  And it became clear to me that he was a horse broker.  Rule # 5 broken: Don't buy a horse from a horse broker.

The boy threw Misty's lead rope around her head and hopped on her bareback, "Want me to lope her off?" he asked. I had never heard that expression before.  "No, I said... that's okay... you can just trot her around a little... then I'd like to ride her." Her walk was fast... more like a march... and I noticed that she seemed tense as he rode her.  It was blazing hot, but I walked and trotted her around a bit my front yard. "I love her," I said...

And I did-  I loved her instantly, and when no one was watching, I whispered in her ear,  "You're home now, and here you will be a princess." 

Violet's History

After Violet was all settled in, I decided to go through the folder of paperwork that was sent on the trailer with her.  Violet's birthday is May 20, 2004 (just one week before the day Sophie was born)!  So she just recently turned 9 years old.  I noticed that her dam and sire were not registered as Quarter Horses, rather they were registered Paint Horses! Violet's original name was "Louise", and she was born in Perry, Georgia. She was sold at some point to a cowboy who then sold her to another cowboy who sold her to an auction house. Sometime during those three ownerships, Violet was "cowboyed" and likely mistreated.  She has a terrible deep scar on one side of her belly that may have been from spurs and/or an accident.  She also has some bad scars on her left hind leg and an injury to her front right hoof.   While it's clear that she had a hard life for several years, in 2010 she was purchased by a woman who kept her for about 9 months before selling her to a lady named Lisa in Pennsylvania.  Lisa owned Violet for two years.... and Lisa sold her to Danielle in Florida just 4 months ago.  Then of course, I just bought her from Danielle.   From what I can surmise, Violet has lived in three states, and I am her 7th owner in 9 years...

Knowing that Danielle had only had Violet a short while, I asked if I could get in touch with her previous owner Lisa.  Danielle has been so kind and helpful ... she gave me Lisa's phone number and Facebook information.  It was neat to see photos of Violet with her beloved pasture mate, "Willow".  I still can't believe that connection.   It was so wonderful talking to Lisa... she told me so much about Violet... most importantly that Violet had had a rough life and had some trust issues.  I think it was probably for that reason that she was perhaps hard to bond with for some of her previous owners.  Lisa told me that Violet wasn't very affectionate, had a hard time trusting and bonding with Lisa's family... but then one day something amazing happened... 

She started telling me the story, "Willow started to choke..."  I had to interrupt her, "Willow started to CHOKE?  Is that what you said, Lisa?"   Lisa confirmed it, and then I just had to tell her about my Willow (who choked every day, etc. and all about how Willow led me to Violet).   I already had goosebumps.   Lisa went on to tell me that she had to call a vet to come save Willow during her choking incident.   She and her family were so scared... and because Violet and Willow were so close, Violet just stood close by watching the entire time.  After the vet finished and Lisa was catching her breath, she felt something behind her and then over her shoulder.... it was Violet gently resting her head on Lisa's left shoulder.  Lisa reached up with her left arm around Violet's head, and they shared their first hug.  Lisa said from that moment on, Violet was a different horse... she loved them and bonded with them... she trusted them.

Of course, the story made me cry... I am so grateful that Lisa shared it with me.  And I am so happy to know that Violet was loved for part of her life and has been taken care of for the past few years.  When I see her scars, instead of imagining her being mistreated at the auction house or those cowboy ranches, I will remember the story Lisa shared with me...  and I will work toward creating trust and forming a deep, loving bond with her. <3

Good Morning, Sunshine!

I took this while waiting for my new mare to arrive... I felt Willow with me. And if you look you can see a few different images of horses... and of course, the sunflare that reminds me so much of the miracle Willow sent me after she died...

And here she is in her stall... notice again the beautiful sun...

She and Mirabella bonded instantly... I honestly think the thinks Mirabella is her foal. ♥

Another Gift from Willow (Part 4)

Martha called me right after she and Dr. Kimmons left. She said the bay mare was not as thin as we had expected. Her feet were overgrown and needed tending to, and the pain from her teeth was so bad that it was hard for her to eat much. Perhaps the ads on Craigslist saying pretty much that she was near death were old or exagerrated... Either way, it was clear that this mare needed more land, to be with other horses, and to have her teeth and feet tended to. Dr. Kimmons examined her and floated her teeth, and we agreed to arrange for a farrier. Martha wasn't sure that this mare was right for our family, but we agreed to help her find the perfect home. (there is a bit more to that story that I can't share at this time in the mare's best interest.)

A few days later, we returned to Tennessee.. It felt so good to be home... the horses were so happy to see us! They were well taken care of while we were away, but Mirabella looked like a competely different mare! She was no longer blackish, but now more of a golden color! We decided to keep her in during the hottest hours of the day from now on... (either way she is still SUPER cute... gosh I missed her)! Short video on Instagram of how sweet she is! (notice her sweet fuzzy baby mane!)



The next day, our new mare arrived!

I hand grazed her for a while.. she was a tiny bit alert but calmed down quickly... we put her in a stall next to Mirabella... They were instant friends. :)

Another Gift from Willow (Part 3)

To my surprise, Michael didn't freak out... instead he seemed eager to find out more about this mare and what we could do to help (he has a big heart that way). After searching for a bit, I found the original ad and called the number.  The girl who answered sounded very young... she explained that her mare needed a new home... that she was now living in their yard with not much land... and that she was a bit thin.  She assured me that she was feeding her and giving her water.  I asked if I could send someone out to see her (since I was in Florida, I thought I'd send Martha).  She agreed but warned me that Martha would not be able to ride her mare because her feet needed trimming and she had hooks so wouldn't be able to take a bit (her teeth hadn't been floated in a long time).

Michael and Martha were both horrified.  Michael and I discussed it and decided to sent Martha and our vet out to examine this mare and to have her teeth floated.  We also planned to arrange for a farrier to tend to her feet...  We felt the urgency to have these things taken care of before making any other decisions (since we were out of town).

At this point I really didn't know what to do.  I still had an appointment to see the black Quarter Horse but wasn't sure that I should.  Perhaps finding her was part of the plan... part of the path that Willow was leading me on to this other mare in TN that needed help?   So I called the QH mare's owner, Danielle.  I explained to her the whole story...   and she listened.  But as soon as I mentioned the name "Willow", she asked "Willow?  Did you say Willow? That was Bella's pasture mate's name!"    And there was the final sign...  And I decided to keep my appointment.

Saturday couldn't come fast enough...  we packed up the kids and left the beach to drive way out to the country.  Bella's farm was beautiful...  and Danielle was as sweet as could be.  The farm owners were wonderful too.  In fact, within 3 minutes, the farmer had all my kids in the chicken coop collecting eggs!  He spent a couple hours with them... herding and petting sheep, wading in the river, playing with the dogs, feeding the horses, and having tons of fun with the chickens!  Even Sasha (who is a mama's girl) followed this farmer all over.  The kids had SO much fun...



And Bella was beautiful.  I rode her in the arena, as did Michael.  We both liked her instantly.  She was quiet and super sweet. We hung out with her for quite a while, and then they all convinced me to go on a trail ride with Danielle (on another horse) and one of the farm owners.  I resisted because I didn't know the trails, was afraid we'd see snake in the marsh, and I didn't even have riding boots on.  But I went, and I was glad I did.  Because on the trail ride, I forgot about everything that worried me.  I felt relaxed and peaceful... and I didn't feel afraid.  And at the end I realized... that yes, maybe Willow wanted to lead me to a rescue, but that she also wanted me to have another gift...  she wanted me to ride.   And she wanted me to have a horse that I didn't have to worry about or cry over... just one that would continue to do what she started... she wanted me to have a horse that would rescue me.

I made the deal before we drove off.  And Bella was mine.  <3  On the way home, I asked the kids to tell me their favorite part of our "beach vacation".  They all answered,  "The farm!"    I guess you can take family away from the country, but you can't take the country out of our family. :)

And that's how I ended up buying a horse on our beach vacation.  Now what to do about the rescue mare in TN...

Another Gift from Willow (Part 2)

Michael's nickname for me is "Lucy" (as in Lucille Ball).  He calls me Lucy because I'm a little crazy (I prefer the word "fun") like Lucy was....  and I keep his life exciting with all of my antics and adventures. :)

So I had to find a way to explain how I managed to find a horse while vacationing at the beach and why we should leave the beach to take a long drive to an inland farm in the blazing heat with three kids.  I thought maybe I should just tell him the truth...  that really it was all his fault. Yes, I would blame him for mentioning another child which gave me the baby fever that forced me to search for a new kitten which led me to a new horse... And that it was Willow who led me to her for some reason...  that her name was Bella and she was black with a white blaze, etc, etc.  So while doing a run through of my story, I came to the part where I couldn't find a kitten in Nashville.  But as I reenacted it, I must have typed in "Himalayan" rather than "Himalayan Kitten" because the CUTEST scrunchy kitty face popped up on my screen.  His owners needed to find a new, loving home for him.  Well I honestly don't know what was wrong with me... but I called and pretty much committed to taking him.

And now I need to explain a new horse in FL and a new kitty in TN.  I definitely had some "splaining" to do. lol

I was on my third glass of wine when Michael came home, and I quickly poured him a glass when I heard the door open.  As I handed it to him, I couldn't help but smile.  I tried so hard to wipe it off my face, but it was my guilty Lucy smile, and he recognized it right away...

"Luuuuucy???  What have you done now?"

I asked him if he wanted the long story or the short story... he said, "Cut to the chase".   So of course, I gave him the long story.   And I started off telling him about my kitten search.   "You're getting ANOTHER cat?"   "Well, yes... but that's not the BEST part..." I start to explain.  And then things even got a bit crazier.  He was asking me why I needed to buy a QH all the way down in Florida. I told him that it was Willow... leading me to this mare for some yet unknown reason. And I  reminded him how Martha had always told me I needed a Quarter Horse.  We already have a Friesian Filly, a Gypsy Vanner, a Missouri Foxtrotter, and a a Percheron/TB...  but we didn't yet have a Quarter Horse, and that I needed just a sweet, solid horse I could really ride.  Martha and I have been searching our area for a good QH for over a year... but for some reason it's really hard to find one around here.  Anyway, he didn't seem to believe me!  So I decided to show him.   I still had the Nashville Craigslist window open, and I searched "Quarter Horse Mare".

And up came this ad:

Starving Horse 4 sale PLS BUY - $1500 (Hickman Co)
Hey Y'all Someone PLEASE buy the starving mare on this site!!!. I drive by the Duck River P.O. everyday and can't take it!!!!

Listed as a quiet dappled bay QH mare... if i could pay I would!!!! NO HAY!!!! No POOP in the tiny yard... what's that tell ya????

Git her outta there! Thanks for lookin!


 WHAT?  oh my gosh... so I searched for her... and found this:

Re: dappled black mare Hickman county - $1500 (Hickman)
This mare is located across from the duck river post office. I drive by this house everyday, worried I'd see this poor starving mare dead. I never see hay or water access for her.
How can people ask 1500$ for a starving unkempt horse. I've called authorities, no one will respond in Hickman. I was startled to see this ad when I knew she is not fat or fit. The pictures must be from time before. Apparently, the owners are firm on 1500$, and very delusional if they think a starving horse is worth that.


Oh my GOSH... oh my gosh.... this is IT!!!  THIS is what Willow was leading me to.... here is my rescue...  here is my rescue....

Another gift from Willow (PART 1)

It all started on a Wednesday morning during our vacation at the beach.  We decided to take a day trip to visit St. Augustine for some lunch and shopping. Of course, the first thing I see are a couple of horse drawn carriages waiting for passengers on the side of the road.  It was so hot that day... about 95 degrees, and these horses looked hot, tired, and thin.  My heart sank, and I couldn't get that image out of my head the whole day.

During lunch, Michael mentioned the possibility of us having a 4th child.  We talked about it... perhaps another adoption... but quickly decided that we had our hands full.  I kinda wish he hadn't brought it up though, because every time he does this, I get baby fever and end up with a new kitten or a new horse.

Hours later on our way out of St. Augustine, the cart horses were still standing there. And I thought of my horses back home in their beautiful green pastures with fresh water and sweet grass.  I imagined walking up to the carriage owner with checkbook in hand and asking him to name his price for the horses and transport to TN.  I wished I could do that.  And I'm sure if I did, he'd go out and get a couple more horses to replace these - but I felt that these two had served their dues and deserved retirement in a beautiful green pasture...

As I tried to fall asleep that night, I kept thinking about those cart horses... about Willow... about Black Beauty... about how every horse has their own story.  And as I lay there, I stared at the abstract painting on the wall... and I realized it was a horse.  I've been looking at that painting for years and never really saw it.  But as clear as day, I could see it... a beautiful horse and rider. 

I slept peacefully after that.

The next morning I woke up super early thinking of Willow.... just like I did every morning for weeks after her death.  I know it was her.  She was trying to tell me something.  I texted Martha, "Call me when you can... I feel Willow.  She's trying to tell me something.  And I feel that God is leading me to something... and I think I know what it is.  And it involves you, too."   I felt so sure that I was being led to another rescue.

I grabbed my coffee and sat down at my computer. The first thing I saw when I logged onto Facebook was a beautiful photo of one of Nancy Hayden's Gypsy Vanners.  (Nancy was Willow's first owner, and we have become good friends).  This mare was gorgeous...  She was black with a white blaze.

So I sent Nancy a message:
Hi Nancy, I just saw your Kali... ohhh she is amazing...

I'm missing my horses like crazy down here in FL.

And in St. Augustine, there were some horses w/ carriages. they were all too skinny.

It broke my heart... sweet ones too.  I wished I could ask the guy what his price was
and have him trailer all three to me to give them the life they deserved.  
GOSH I miss Willow. Now I'm all teary...

And Nancy wrote back:
Bless your loving heart...you can't save the world though. I know, try not to be too sad...she is with you always and you know she would not want to ever make you sad.

Martha called me later that morning.  We chatted about the possibility of opening a horse rescue together.  I know Michael would be on board, but neither of us has the space or the time for this sort of project right now.  Still, we talked about how wonderful it would be... and how one day, we might try to make it happen.

That afternoon, Michael left for about two hours to run some errands. (he should have known better... two hours is a long time to leave me without me getting into some sort of trouble ;)  My mom had taken the kids to the beach, so I was left alone to get some work done.  But I couldn't stop thinking about those horses... and the baby fever was getting worse.  I grabbed a glass of wine and sat down at my computer.  But instead of working, I went to the Nashville Craigslist.  I was missing my Himalayan kitty Clover (aka The Muffin Man) SO much that I typed  "Himalayan kitten" in the search bar.  Zero results.  Then I wondered if there were any in Florida...  and I found a litter.  I called the lady, but she explained that the kittens wouldn't be ready until July.  She asked me about puppies- to which I responded, "Not a dog girl.. I prefer cats and horses".  Then she went on to tell me she had recently rescued a white Arabian mare!  I asked her where she lived...  she answered, "St. Augustine."  I got myself another glass of wine, and I listened as she told me her story.  I hadn't realized there were horses (besides cart horses) in that area.  So without thinking (and since I was already on Craigslist AND my 2nd glass of wine)  I typed, "Mare" in the search box.

The very first ad that caught my eye was for a beautiful Quarter Horse mare...

Her name was BELLA...  (Bella!  as in Florabella and Mirabella!)

*And she was pure black with a white blaze...

I got off the phone and dialed the number.   Bella's owner told me how sweet and gentle Bella was and that she'd only had her for 4 months.  She loved riding her on the trails and in the arena, but that she was really wanting a horse to run barrel races on and that Bella was just too sweet.  Well, of course I had to see her.  I scheduled the appointment for Saturday....

I can feel you....

Dear Willow,

I can feel you... I know you are trying to tell me something. I know you are trying to lead me somewhere or to something.

I am praying for clarity, for a clear mind, and an open heart.  I want to hear you...

And I miss you still.  So so much...

Please help me, my sweet girl.  Help me to understand where you are trying to lead me...

And I will listen carefully.  Because I know your soul speaks so softly...

I love you,

Shana

Describing Willow

I asked Martha to help me think of words to describe Willow.  We thought about it for a long while and then combined our lists.  Willow was divine, yes, but she was so much more...  I loved everything about her and wanted to put these words in writing so I could always remember how she was...

In no particular order....

Willow:

Divine, regal, wise, loving, protective, knowing, beautiful, peaceful, strong yet fragile, enchanting, vulnerable, simple yet complex, still, reflective, amazing, patient, talented, refined, known, open yet guarded, inviting, magnificent, patient, kind, hopeful, present, elegant, chosen, humble, willing, deep, soft, brave, dignified, courageous, resilient, honorable, balanced, stoic, powerful, compassionate, consistent, faithful, independent, graceful, pure of heart, a teacher, a friend, a mother, a fighter.... perfect.

I will keep adding to this list, but really it's hard to describe Willow in words.  Words just aren't good enough...

I miss her so so much. ♥