One year ago & a new photo of us

I came across this photo of us from last winter... I don't have any photos from the day I met her (I was too stunned to pick up my camera)...

A year ago today, I met the soul and started the journey that would forever change my life in the most miraculous ways... I will never forget the complete shock and sadness I felt when I first saw her. And I felt so scared... I was just so scared.

It must have been some special kind of faith deep down inside of me that helped me make this decision - despite my fears and doubts. My has that faith grown... and grown... and it continues to grow. And I think my heart has grown too. I experienced the most incredible love and witnessed the kind of hope and strength I only wish I had myself. I learned so much from her... yes, I learned SO much from her... much about life, much about faith, and much about love. I have so much more to learn, and the miracle is that she is still teaching me.

And though our time on earth together was short, our journey together lives on. She is with me. She is in me. She watches over me... Yes, I miss her, but I'm happy that our story has inspired others in so many positive ways; and I am comforted by the stories others are still sharing with me... .. stories of faith renewed, horses rescued, donations made, poems written, and long lost dreams fulfilled... and all in the name of my amazing, beautiful, divine horse named Willow.

 I do believe she was God's gift to me, and I am so so grateful...

Describing Willow

I asked Martha to help me think of words to describe Willow.  We thought about it for a long while and then combined our lists.  Willow was divine, yes, but she was so much more...  I loved everything about her and wanted to put these words in writing so I could always remember how she was...

In no particular order....

Willow:

Divine, regal, wise, loving, protective, knowing, beautiful, peaceful, strong yet fragile, enchanting, vulnerable, simple yet complex, still, reflective, amazing, patient, talented, refined, known, open yet guarded, inviting, magnificent, patient, kind, hopeful, present, elegant, chosen, humble, willing, deep, soft, brave, dignified, courageous, resilient, honorable, balanced, stoic, powerful, compassionate, consistent, faithful, independent, graceful, pure of heart, a teacher, a friend, a mother, a fighter.... perfect.

I will keep adding to this list, but really it's hard to describe Willow in words.  Words just aren't good enough...

I miss her so so much. ♥

Goodybe Girl

  Goodbye Girl

    -By David A. Gates  

All your life you've waited for love to come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it's hard believin' the words you've heard before
But darlin' you must trust them just once more... 'cause baby
Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away
'cause the things you do my goodbye girl
Will bring me back to you.

I know you've been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin' in
But I can wait forever, a-helpin' you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me
...so remember

Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart
So forget your past my goodbye girl
'cause now you're home at last.

I'm having such a rough day.... I miss Willow so much.  I would do anything for just one more Willow hug.  Out of all the photos I have of Willow and although I didn't think much of this one when I took it, I think it might be my favorite.  I will never forget the way she looked at me, willing me to stay that day.  She didn't want me to leave...  and I knew she loved me. I probably need to stop listening to sad songs that make me think of her... that make me cry.  But the lyrics to this song are so fitting...

So forget your past my goodbye girl
'cause now you're home at last.

Comfortably Numb

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.

                                - Roger Waters / David Jon Gilmour 


I have had such a hard time coming back to update here... it's just so hard for me still.   I miss Willow.  I just miss her so much...  

Maybe I've tried to forget all of this in some way, and coming back to my blog reminds me.  And it hurts too much to remember.  Sure, I have pretty pictures of little Mirabella, and funny photos of The Prince...  but as pretty and cute as they are, I feel such a deep, painful void in my life since Willow left.  And on top of not having Willow to go to for comfort and to make me feel safe and soulful.... I think I may actually have a hole in my heart.

I still can't believe she is really gone.  It seems like only yesterday I smiled as I watched her running though the back pasture... prancing with her head held high... happy and doing so well.  But at the same time, it seems like I haven't seen her in so long...  And I'm so afraid I will forget.  I don't want to forget. I want to remember everything about her...  the depth of her eyes, the smell of her fur, the warm, safe feeling of her mane.  With her, I felt like I was home.  I need to write about her... what made her so divine and I need to list everything she tried to teach me... so I can continue to learn- because I need to be more like her.  And I want to teach Mirabella and even my own children... the lessons I learned from Willow.  I wish I could do a better job of describing what she was to me and how she made me feel... and how important she was and always will be to me.  Or how truly divine she was...

So I have been going through the motions, enjoying my children, my family, my horses.  Coffee in the morning and wine at night...  and my days are full.  Yet a part of me feels numb.

Am I numbing myself so I don't feel the pain?  I still wake up at 4:30am each morning with the sad realization that she is gone...  and I look out my window for another sign... for the sun to come.  But winter won't seem to go away.... it just won't leave.  I need to feel the sun...   

And I haven't cried in so long... not until today... right now as I write.  Perhaps this is what I was trying to avoid.  Like I said in the beginning... many posts ago....  I don't like to feel sad.  I don't read sad books, and I don't watch sad movies.  Yet the story in my own heart is so sad. And confronting it... writing it... makes me cry.  

I've always protected myself.  I've always chosen the safe route....   But I know in my heart that I have to keep writing... and I need to cry.  I need to keep my emotions raw and my feelings close to the surface, as painful as it really is.  Because the more time that passes, the more my memory of Willow is at risk of becoming  that "fleeting glimpse".  And I have to keep my dream alive...

No...  No, I do not want to become comfortably numb...

                                   

No Ordinary Rainbow

It rained, and I cried... all day long yesterday.  I started to read through some of the many beautiful emails and comments I've been receiving.  Beautiful poems, stories and verses- many in attempt to answer my question about horses going to Heaven.  People have told me to look for a sign from Willow...  some promised that I would see a sign... or feel her with me somehow.

In the morning, after the kids left for school, I immediately broke down and cried.  I went out to see The Prince and hug on him for a while... and then I walked in the rain to see Paloma and Charlie who were extra sweet to me. When I returned, I went into Willow's stall and sat down on the straw and cried some more.  I tried so hard to quiet my tears because maybe if I was quiet enough it would happen... I would hear her or see some sort of sign.  I waited and waited... but nothing.  I imagined the sky getting bright and looking up to see a rainbow. The clouds would clear, the sun would shine, and a beautiful rainbow would appear.  How I wished I'd see a rainbow... what a beautiful sign that would be.  So all day long, it continued to rain, and I kept looking for rainbows.  I must have gone outside fifty times to look for a rainbow in the sky, but the sky remained gray.  As darkness fell, I was so disappointed.  But then it occurred to me that maybe I would dream about Willow.  Maybe Willow would visit me in my dreams...

When I woke up, I was fine for a moment... but then it hit me.  I remembered my sadness and realized that Willow was gone- and that I didn't have any dreams about her during the night... and I cried.  I texted Martha, "The mornings are so hard.  I wake up and cry when I realize she is gone."   

So I pulled myself together, put on a pot of coffee, and got the kids off to school.  When I returned to my bedroom, I picked up my phone and saw that I had missed Martha's return text:  "Look at the sunrise. From where I am, every cloud has a rainbow edge."   So I jumped up and ran to the window... only to find some pretty clouds behind the hills but nothing with rainbow edges.  I was so upset that I'd missed it.  But the clouds were so pretty and I thought I'd take a photo to show Martha what I was seeing.  When I looked at the photo on my cell phone... this is what I saw:

It wasn't there before... I couldn't see it with my eyes... yet it somehow appeared in the photo. So I snapped again and again... and it kept appearing... a reflection of the heavens with a shape in the middle... the shape of a horse's head.  And it was right over her pasture!

I kept snapping, and it kept evolving... but it was still there... I asked myself was it really a horse head or was it me just wanting it to be?  But then I saw this...

The sun rays brighter now, and to the left of the horse head shape was what looked like a horse! Do you see it?? the ears, the eyes, the nose... the feet...  My heart was racing... So I kept snapping...

And here I see what looks to me almost like a horse leaping toward the sun...  could this be Willow's spirit?  Something told me to go out to the barn... hurry, go out to the barn!  So I did...

This is the first photo I took...  the beautiful sunrays... but when I looked at my phone camera, I noticed the tiny white flare... right next to Willow's stall window!!!  It was cold outside, and I wasn't wearing a coat.  Satisfied with my miracle, heart still racing, I headed back toward the house.  But something called to me... "Go to her stall..."  And as I passed Michael on his way out to feed the other horses, I turned around, "I have to go to Willow's stall!" I cried... and I ran as fast as I could.

And this is what I saw...   and the little white flare was there...  right where the sign that reads "Faith" is hanging on her stall door...  Then something in my heart said, "Open the door..."

When I opened the door, the sun beams were so bright and I felt their warmth.  The hazy sun rays flooded her stall...  And when I looked at the photo I had taken, I could see a rainbow flare like a halo all around the sun rays.  I could still see the little white flare, but there was a pink glow around it now, and I knew it had to be Willow's spirit.. moving ever closer to the sun and resting in the exact spot where we found her late that last night.  It has been so hard for me.. that memory of her there where she looked so uncomfortable.  But suddenly it was so beautiful... and I could feel her there.  And I knew for sure that this was my sign....

I snapped one last photo of the sun on my way back to the house.  And look who followed me...  on her way back up to Heaven.  I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that horses do go to Heaven... and that some lucky Angel will be riding on Willow until I am with her again.  And that until then, she will be with me, in my heart and by my side for always.  Thank you sweet Willow... thank you dear God.... Thank you for this sign.... this miracle... it was so so much better than any ordinary rainbow. ♥

Tea with the Queen

It has been 24 hours since Willow died.  I have cried more than I have slept... but I need to document some of what has happened...

Martha did as I asked. I am so grateful to her... This was her text to me...

"I hugged her, kissed her and scratched her under her mane.  She is free now.  Forever safe where there is no pain, no cruelty, and no suffering..."

And she sent me a photo of Willow with the 4 braids I asked her to put in her mane....  I asked her only after Willow was gone to please cut off the three braids so I could keep them to remember her by... but to leave her one to take with her... from me.  I made her promise not to cut any of her mane until she was gone... (I just kept remembering the only scene that stuck with me from "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"... when they cut the lion's mane off... that always broke my heart....)

My friend Brenna came over to watch the kids, as I was hysterical... and she comforted me until Michael got home.  He was devastated...  he said the moment he saw her x-ray up on the screen and the looks on the faces of everyone in the clinic, he knew...and it broke his heart.  I've never seen him cry like that before...

She was gone.  Willow was gone. How can this be?  No..... no..... I just couldn't stop my tears.... I still can't.  The pain is unbearable.

I have received thousands of well wishes...  poems, personal stories, drawings, and bible verses. Thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart.... As much I as know that Willow's soul was pure, it has been so beautiful to witness the beauty of so many human souls.  In this crazy, desensitized world, beauty and love lives on...  and that comforts me.  And I received several emails and even photos from those who were inspired by our story to rescue a horse in need.  That alone makes my pain worthwhile...  It helps so much to know that even though our journey didn't end how I'd dreamed, I will always know that other horses have beautiful new beginnings...

Someone commented that Willow was "just a horse".   Well, she wasn't just a horse... she wasn't a pet... she was Velvet Willow, and she was my mine.  She was... no, she is my soulmate.  I know some people cannot understand...  but Willow was so much more than a beloved horse.  She was divine.  She was faith, she was hope, she was courage, she was beauty.  Yes, I took care of her... we all took care of her.  But she took care of me.  She was so strong, so regal, so tender and affectionate and gentle with me.  She would look at me for the longest time with those big brown, beautiful eyes... as if she was looking straight into my soul.  And I would see myself in her eyes...   she'd stand so close to me and move her head near me so slowly, so deliberately.  And when I hugged her, she hugged me back.  The feeling of her resting over my shoulder, trusting me and revealing her soul to me...  I cannot describe the beautiful feeling that would wash over me.  I loved the way her fur smelled... God, please don't ever let me forget the way she smelled.... or the warmth of her fur, or the comfort of her mane...  

I didn't take many calls that day, but I knew there were two people that I had to get ahold of.... Nancy and Leah.  I left messages for them both....

It is a miracle that I ever even found Nancy, and I'm so grateful for her support and love for both me and Willow (her Leona C.) throughout this journey. Nancy wrote to me:  Dearest Shana, I have been out of town and just returned to the heart breaking news of Willow. I would call, but I would cause you more pain by adding my pain to yours. As heart shattering as this is, I am trying to think of the positive...a wonderful horse named Willow taught me that. The Queen reigns on most high now. She is wonderfully whole again. That lofty, suspended trot is flying on angel wings. She has NO pain, she has no worried look in her eyes. Her head is held higher than ever...she is happy and free of all the pain her past life gave her. One day, I hope a very long time from now, we all will see her again. And when we see her in the greener pastures, do you know who she is going to run to? It won't be Anita, who raised her, it won't me who proudly rode her and raised Ster babies from her, and it certainly will not be the wicked people who caused her so much suffering. When we see her, it will be YOU, Shana, that she runs to. You, the loving soul that brought her back from misery, You that loved her back to cantering across the fields with her head held high. YOU, you, you......her love, her salvation. She is waiting to see you again one day. Until then, rest assured heaven knows, the Queen has ARRIVED. She is gone from your touch but NEVER your heart. I love you and I will talk, when we both are able.

I am also so grateful to Leah who took Willow and the other abandoned, starving horses in and cared for them as she found them homes.  I cried to Leah for a long while on the phone. As I cried and we remembered together all that was beautiful about Willow, Leah promised me that Willow and I were soul mates and that our souls would be together forever.  We talked about how though Willow was so stoic, some might describe her as "aloof" always holding her head up so high, that Willow would lower her head to me... she was so different with me, so affectionate- almost as if she was loving me like I was her foal.  It is true... I never regarded her as my baby... but rather, it was like she was taking care of me.  She was a good mother to the four babies I now know she had, and I think I experienced some of that nurturing love from her too.  And Leah reminded me of the day I first came to her farm to meet Willow.....  As I went to leave, she lowered her head and nuzzled my chest... right over my heart.  I'm so glad Leah reminded me of that moment.  Near the end of our conversation, I told Leah that I doubted I could ever connect with or love a horse this deeply again... that no other horses would ever be like Willow... what would I do without her?  What do I do now, I asked her...  Everything we did for her... all my hope wrapped up in her and wanting to see her whole, healthy and happy by Spring... and knowing now that I'd never be able to put those flowers in her mane....and why did I have such a short time with her... it was too short... Then Leah stopped me. "Shana, listen to me and think before you answer this question.  Shana, even though your pain is unbearable... and you only had a short time with Willow on earth, and even though it ended this way...  was it worth it?"   And without thinking, I answered, "Yes!  Yes it was...  I feel like I got to have tea with the Queen."     And indeed, I did.  I am SO so lucky....

BROKEN

The plate in Willow's leg is broken... she has a high fever, she is suffering....   I can't believe they are telling me they have to put her down!!!  Noooo.... NOOOOOO.... this can't end this way....  I can barely type through my tears... She's broken, I'm broken...  it should not end this way. This was supposed to be a beautiful story with a beautiful ending.  Spring isn't here, this can't happen now.... I pleaded with Dr. Ruggles, but they all agree that this is the humane thing to do. Nothing can be done for her... her elbow is shattered now... she wouldn't survive months being hoisted in a sling... she is even in too much pain to wait for me to get there... I can't even say goodbye!!!    They have her sedated now but she is still alive... please pray for her... please pray that she goes peacefully and that she KNOWS I love her and didn't send her away...

Martha called... "Do you want her tail, Shana?"   Do I want her tail??  Omg...  and do I want her to be cremated??  How can I survive this...  I need her.  I still need you, Willow.   Things are always supposed to end on a good note with horses right, not like this.. not in pain, not in sorrow... I don't want my last memory of her to be her leaving in me a trailer through my tears...

Martha will stay with her the whole time...  Michael is already on his way home... he was crying too. I asked Martha to please put those three little braids in her mane for me... She needs her three little braids...  To hug her like I did, to kiss on her the right side of her neck... to scratch her under her mane on the left side.... to kiss her on the cheek.  Then Martha held the phone so I could talk to her...  I tried so hard to be strong for her and not to cry... just for a minute...

"Willow....   my beauty.   Please know I love you.  I love you so much.  Thank you for loving me and for teaching me and trusting me.  I am so sorry it is ending this way... I know you are in pain, and I so wanted to walk in the sunshine with you this Spring.  But in Heaven, it's always Springtime... and you won't hurt any more.  Please, please wait for me in Heaven.  And until I get there, please continue to watch over me, because I need you to be my Angel....   I love you so much...  I love you, Willow..."

I just could not utter the words, "Good bye".  God, will I really see her again? I promised her I would...  Please tell me horses go to Heaven...

I am heartbroken.   I am broken.  I am broken.

Willow Update

I have received countless emails and messages from people who were concerned over my lack of updates in the last two days.  I reminded myself that while I am not writing about this journey for others, Willow has captured the hearts of people all over the world.... people that have prayed for her... for me.  People that have offered me support, guidance, advice, and love... people that have lifted my spirits and deepened my faith in humanity.  We've received gifts in the mail from people we've never met... gourmet pears & apples for Willow, a special charm for her halter...  and emails from people who have been inspired to rescue a horse or donate to horse rescue organizations. So, this isn't just about my feelings anymore.  This is about Willow's life.  And it's too important not to share...   

The past 36 hours have been terrifying....

This journey with Willow has always had it's ups and downs, but nothing like the rollercoaster ride we've experienced since she broker her leg.  I can't seem to stop the tears, so I'm just going to write without editing... I just need to write what I"m feeling.

It still shocks me so much that this has happened.  I bought a horse who had been neglected and abandonded and rescued from a terrible place.  She still needed to gain 350 pounds... she had choking issues, ulcers, and was then diagnosed with active EPM.  She is a picky eater, so trying to get her to eat while treating the ulcers and trying to prevent her choking was especially challenging.  She was choking nearly every day at one point... struggling so hard to swallow... but after two months at Martha's farm, it was time for Willow to come home.  She was eating hay, grass, and nearly 8 scoops of special, organic grain and she was finally gaining weight.  Once here, she stopped choking and gained even more weight.  Martha, Michael, Leah, Dr. Kimmons... all of us were overjoyed and amazed at how well she was doing.  I remember specifically one day, as we watched her in the pasture, discussing how she almost looked like a normal, healthy horse..... almost.   And then, the unthinkable happened.   But after coming this far with her, and after falling so deeply in love with her, there was NO way I was going to let a broken leg take her from me.  And I could see in her eyes that she had the will and the strength to survive.  Even on the trailer, shaking in pain, she held her head up high.... her eyes round and bright.  Her surgery at Rood & Riddle was a success, and eight days later Michael drove up to Kentucky to pick her up just to find that she was choking when he arrived.  They had her sedated and scoped but were unable to find anything treatable.  So they kept her overnight, and Michael stayed in a hotel.  The next morning,  Willow came home to what we expected to be an uneventful 8 weeks of recovery and rest in her stall....  We found out that Willow wasn't finishing her food at Rood & Riddle- that and the fact that she choked led us to believe that the EPM was causing her trouble again (since they took her off those meds as to not interfere with others).   She was on Bute for pain, ulcer medication (because Bute irritates ulcers), and then after a few days went back on the EPM medicine.  When she arrived home, we noticed that she wasn't eating much and that shifted her front feet back and forth a lot... and that just got worse and worse.  Dr. Kimmons took x-rays of her feet, her pulse, etc. was normal, so he didn't think it was Laminitis.  Perhaps the ulcers were causing her so much pain that she didn't want to eat either. She has been under our care, as well as Martha's and that of Dr. Kimmons who has been consulting with Dr. Ruggles of Rood & Riddle daily.  We just needed her to eat... so we switched her from Bute to a less irritating pain medication.. but after a couple days, her left front foot got warmer than the others, and she still wasn't eating much. She became increasingly unstable in her back end and struggled to walk.  Martha treated her with Myofascial therapy, Dr. Kimmons is here all the time too, and we even built her an outside stall so she could connect with the earth, feel the sun, and graze on the grass.  Still, she got worse. We've been flooding her with probiotics as well, but since she's barely eating grain, she hasn't been ingesting the special oils, vitamin E, or other supplements that she needs.  She seemed to be drinking less water, so we worried about dehydration on top of everything else.  Saturday morning, our team had a meeting here. Dr. Kimmons, Martha, etc.  We decided to put her back on Bute (because of the warm foot and the fact that she didn't eat even off Bute).  And we added another ulcer medication.  We wrote out a new schedule and assigned responsibilities... and everyone felt so good about our plan. I asked Dr. Kimmons point blank if he had seen horses worse off than Willow survive, and he said that he had... and that we weren't at a critical point yet. Martha felt especially happy about our new plan, and we even found a nurse to come check on Willow and administer IV meds each night (Martha would still do it in the mornings).  Yesterday went reasonably well, and we were feeling more hopeful.  But as the day went on, Willow got more an more wobbly... she really could barely walk.   And last night, when we went to check her at 9pm, we found her laying down to close to her back stall door... her neck was up against the wall, and she looked incredibly uncomfortable. Did she lay down in the wrong place?  Oh my gosh, did she fall???   It was obvious that she was cast in her stall and couldn't get up.  Michael wanted me to help him push her up...  I decided that we needed to open that back door so she would have more room to get up.  We tried to straighten out her feet and then we pushed and although she nearly fell on me at one point, we got her up.  She wasn't right... she was all tucked under in the back end... she was wobbly...  shaking.   I was so worried it would happen again.   We checked on her every couple of hours... and by 4am she was still shaky and hadn't eaten a bite.   Michael and I couldn't sleep...  just wondering what this was all about... why is she getting worse?  Why is she not eating??  But in the morning, Michael found her sleeping in her stall, and her bowl was empty!!  Maybe the new ulcer meds were working?  Did we just turn a corner?  When I got out there with her morning carrots (the only thing she usually seems excited about eating), she was ravenous.  But something was wrong.  Her leg (the one she had broken) was twitching... swollen and warm.  When Martha arrived at 8am, she could also see that something had gone terribly wrong.   We got her to walk, and we noticed that Willow could not longer bear weight on that front right leg.  Her gums were lighter, and we worried that she was on her way to dehydration.  Martha told me that it was time to get her into Dr. Kiimmon's clinic.  She needs fluids and x-rays of her leg.   And then who knows what she will need next...

So I cried as I watched Willow leave in the trailer once more.   And now, things are critical.

She will come back, right?  God, please let her come back.  It just can't end this way...  Spring is almost here.  The rich grass will start sprouting soon, and Willow can gain all her weight and strength back.  She can be whole again... and she can hold her head up high and walk in the sunshine once more.  She is my Black Beauty... please let this end like Black Beauty... please bring her back to me so she can live the rest of her life in happiness...  She has been through so much.  Too much.

Willow, please make it back to me...

Scary morning...

The most beautiful sight in the world to me right now is seeing Willow back on her feet....

Michael checked on Willow at midnight, and she seemed the same... up on her feet but she hadn't eaten anything.  Of course, we were worried... but nothing like how I felt to find Willow flat on the ground, eyes half open, and breathing very hard.  We were both very worried since we'd never seen her like that before...

She wouldn't get up, and she refused carrots (which really isn't like her).  I called Martha, both vets, and then tried all my friends who know a lot about horses... but it was before 7am, and no one answered... I felt so helpless and scared.  Could it be colic, laminitis, pneumonia, what?

Thankfully Martha came over quickly... and Willow got up shortly before she arrived.  We are thinking she must have been in a very deep sleep to have such labored breathing and hope that's what it was.  She lays down a lot, and for extended periods of time. But she is healing and still in pain, so she must need that right now.

Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons do not think her x-rays show founder, but Martha is still concerned this may be the start of laminitis.   Dr. Hawthorne will probably come by later to see her... maybe some accupuncture, etc.

There just isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sweet horse.  She's a fighter, a beauty, and a queen... and probably the smartest horse in the world.  As we stood with Willow, I told Martha that I think a lot about sappy horse movies... you know the kind-  the horse is dying on the barn floor, and people almost give up hope, and then all of a sudden the horse leaps up, shakes her head and everything is better? That is what I want to see happen here...  So, Martha and I prayed together with Willow, and we talked to her.  We talked about wanting her to eat and drink water (as she seemed a bit dehydrated).  And Willow looked at us.  Then she walked over to her hay and had a bite....  then she ate a bit of grain.  Then she splashed and drank some of her water... and then she even licked her mineral salt block, and she looked at us again.... as if to say, "There! And even though you forgot to mention it, I licked some salt too!"   ♥   

Willow.  She is a miracle, I just know it....

Not eating...

I love this photo of Dr. Kimmons and Willow...  ♥

He says her incision looks great and was able to take her bandage off and staples out yesterday... 

Unfortunately, Willow didn't eat again last night.  Michael built a small pen for her out on the grass so she can touch the earth and feel the sun and graze a bit.  She has grain and hay out there also. But she still isn't eating.  She will eat carrots from my hand and that's it.  I wonder if she is associating her grain (that she usually loves) with the bad taste of her medicines or something...  I think at this point I'm willing to temporarily switch her grain to the very best tasting most craved grain on the market (not sure what that is), just to get her to eat. 

Going to check on her again now...

Downhill part II

There is something about seeing Willow flat on the ground that hurts my heart.  I try to not let fear in, but there's this little voice saying, "What if she never gets up?"   She has been down for over 40 minutes now.  And it's the 2nd time I've seen her lay down today....

Martha came by and gave her a shot of Banamine for the pain.  We aren't going to give her Bute or Gastro-Guard orally any more.  We suspect the bitter taste is ruining her appetite.  Dr. Ruggles from Rood & Riddle also suggested more probiotics... so we gave her some of that too.  I was able to get her to eat two apples, two carrots, 1/2 a scoop of grain, and one peppermint.  Sounds like a lot, but considering she usually eats 8 scoops of grain plus lots of hay each day, it's really not all that much. 

She's just so thin and frail... and it seems that all of her legs are hurting her from trying to compensate for the leg she broke.  She just really needs to eat...  she doesn't have much extra fat or muscle left to waste... 

I've been out with her in the barn all day.  I try to distract her by grooming her and just looking into her deep eyes and talking to her. I stand so close to her, and when I hug her, she rests her whole head and neck over my shoulder.  Today she felt twice as heavy as she usually does. 

I'm off to the barn to check on her again...  

Downhill...

Willow is not eating.  She's so thin... and in so much pain.  My heart is breaking...  This image doesn't even show how awful she looks.  Martha says she feels like we are back where we started, but I fear it's worse than that.  With a broken leg and 8 weeks of stall recovery, we have even more obstacles to overcome.  They told me she wasn't eating all her food at the hospital, and since her last choking episodes, her appetite has decreased more and more.  Last night, she didn't touch her grain or her hay. 

We know that Willow does not like medicine.  She hates the Gastro-Guard (which she needs for her ulcers) and she doesn't care for the Bute either... but she needs it for her pain.  And she is in so much pain.  She is constantly shifting front feet, pawing at the ground (seeing that breaks my heart more than anything), and bending her front legs because she just can't get comfortable.  She no longer holds her head up high, but hangs it low most of the time.  And for the first time ever, Willow has worried eyes...  I've always been amazed that she doesn't have them, but now above her eyes is furrowed... and she looks worried and stressed.

I called Martha in tears this morning... she called Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons.  We are making a plan of what to do.  Right now, I'm going back out to the barn to be with Willow.  It's raining and gloomy outside. And the classical music in the barn makes me cry. 

I'm taking chopped apples, carrots and even Willow's favorite peppermints....  

Please God, give her comfort and bring back her will....

Home (part 2)

Snowing, dark, and so cold.... I just came in from the barn.  Willow choked tonight. :(

First day home, and this makes two days in a row.  And it seemed worse than ever.... her throat was so noisy.  As I hugged her and tried to help her, I could feel her throat muscles contracting almost constantly.  She was really struggling for about an hour.

My hands are so cold, but they smell like her. I love the way she smells. I've missed burying my head in her neck and mane and just smelling her soft fur.  I'm so emotional right now...

What is it about comforting her that comforts me so much?   When she struggles, I hug her and try to gently massage her neck, and she relaxes into me and completely drapes her head over my shoulder.  I love when she does that... it's like she completely trusts me... and for those moments I forget that she's 1000 pounds, because she feels light as a feather and I feel so safe.

Martha will call the Dr. tomorrow and likely come over to see what she can do...   My sweet Willow has been through so much.  I just wish she was at least comfortable now...

Home (part one)

I was so excited when I saw the trailer coming down our long driveway, and as Michael opened the door, Willow couldn't yet see me... but I could see her stretching her head up when she heard my voice.  I think she could tell how excited I was to see her again.

She arrived with her bandaged leg and soft boots on her front feet, and we slowly led her to her stall which we had heavily padded with warm, dry straw.  It was snowing outside, and in all my excitement, I'd forgotten to put on my coat.  But I wasn't cold. ♥

Willow reacquainted herself with her stall, but not before noticing her handsome new pasture mate who was intently looking at her from the main pasture behind the barn. We had closed the gate to the round pen which is attached to the barn... so there was a good 60 feet between them.  We decided to take baby steps with their introduction.

I know being on stall rest for the first 8 weeks of her recovery will be very hard for Willow, and it breaks my heart.  She is not used to being locked in her stall.  She comes and goes as she pleases, and she likes it that way.   She was frustrated that the bottom half of her outside door was shut... she pawed at the door, and that broke my heart.  I wish I knew for sure that she understood why this must be.

So after a few hours, we let the new guy (still deciding on a name) into the round pen so they could be a little closer to each other. We kept his stall door completely closed so he couldn't get in (it's right next to hers with a 5 foot wall separation).  He immediately came toward her and put his head in side her stall...  well of course she gave him "the look" and pinned her ears like only she can.  Most horses would have retreated, but he just looked at her and didn't move.  She tried a couple more times but to no avail.  The she did it...  she turned around and put her rear toward him (which in horse language means, MOVE or I will KICK you!!).  Well, instead of moving, he rested his head on her rear!!! I  could NOT believe it..... but look!!   OH my goodness, he is SO sweet and cute.  Willow just looked at me, like "What?? Who is this guy, and he doesn't speak horse or what?"  lol!!  And you know what? She never did try to kick him ♥

(pardon the terrible photo... I was laughing too hard while trying to capture this moment!)

The Empty Swing

I drove past this empty swing a hundred times when Willow was at Martha's farm.  And each time, I'd stop and look at it for a while.  I'd sit there in my car, staring at it... and sometimes, I'd feel sad and lonely looking at this empty swing. Afterall, it just sits there... empty, like it's waiting for a child to come and laugh and swing from it's branch.  Other times, gazing at the swing would make me feel hopeful...  as if the swing was ready and waiting and knew in it's heart that a special child was on her way to play....

Much like this swing, our barn is empty today...

I miss Willow so much.  And I feel sad that Raven isn't here either. She was a gift from Leah for us to try with Willow.   Everyone agreed that she probably wasn't the best match for Willow afterall, and Leah picked her up a few days ago.  Leah loves her dearly, so I feel good about that. But I do miss Raven. And this wasn't her fault... not anyone's fault. Horses will be horses.  As much as none of us have seen Willow attach or bond to another horse, it was quite clear that she was anxious and lonely not having one to keep her company.  At Martha's farm, she was with Alice and Ada (Percheron sisters in their late 30's) and occasionally a blind pony. Aside from a couple ear pinnings from the Queen, there was never an incident.  And then there was the sweet gelding Colby in the pasture next to her.  Willow and Colby got along great...  I always felt like she treated him like her foal.  Martha and I agree that it was probably the closest thing to bonding that we've seen with Willow.  So perhaps a gelding will be less annoying to her?  In any case, everyone seems to agree that 2 months of recovering in her stall is bad enough, but long nights there without another horse in sight would drive Willow crazy.  It's like she doesn't want them in her space, but she wants to know they are close by (without them knowing she is comforted by their presence). Willow needs a companion.  

Paloma is with Charlie in the back pasture... both not great matches for Willow (as sweet as they are)... and they have each other.  Some people have suggested a goat or donkey... Unfortunately, our neighbors will not allow that kind of livestock  (though when we find our farm one day we will have those, lambs and chickens too)!

So everyone has had their eyes and ears open... for a new friend for Willow. Horses are herd animals with a pecking order within each herd. We have learned that no matter who the herd, Willow will always be queen... so we have been looking for a "low man on the totem pole" gelding....  A sweet boy for her, but one that both Sophie and I can both ride.  I really really want to resume riding this spring... I need the perfect horse.  And I think we may have found one.... Details (maybe) tomorrow.

So... the empty swing...our empty barn... is it loneliness or hopefulness that I am feeling?  A little bit of both I suppose...  Actually, a lot of both.  But the end of the week should bring a new beginning for us. Certainly a new chapter in our story.  I imagine long days in the barn with Willow while she recuperates... and then spring will come, and I can walk her out to graze on the new grass, and she can feel the warmth of the sun on her back.  And before we know it, her leg will have healed, her pain will be gone, and she will be getting fat from that rich spring grass....

 And I can't wait. ♥

Nancy's visit...

I'm to touched that Nancy went to visit Willow.  They hadn't see each other in five years, and I just know that Willow was comforted to see her again.  Nancy has been heartbroken since she learned that the people she sold her Friesians to had neglected them so badly, and Nancy was planning to come to see Willow soon at our place.  Nancy is such a lovely person and has been so supportive to me throughout Willow's rescue.  As I've written before, she even sent me beautiful photographs and video of Willow (Leona) in her younger days of glory.

Anyway, this is how Nancy describes her visit with Willow (just shortly after her surgery):

To tell you the truth, I thought I would see a broken soul and when I didn't I was so overjoyed, I hardly cried. Yes, her body has changed and she has some gray hair over her eyes, but the Queen still lives. I was so thrilled when she didn't NEED me to comfort her. She recognized me and we cuddled for a few minutes and then the Queen said, "Don't be sorry, don't be sad, I AM NOT TO BE PITIED, I AM THE QUEEN! It is unbelievable to me, this horse has been through so much, and is still queen of all her domain. I am thrilled beyond words...she is exactly the same Leona. I know you have given her that strength, when she could not have gone on...I am forever grateful. ♥

And more from Nancy:

She is still so thin and fragile looking but the blaze in her eyes and the queenly attitude are all still there and going strong. Many healthy Friesians don't make it to age 18, and here is Willow, after all of life's challenges, and now major surgery and she still hold her head up high and know she is the Queen. Some one made the comment, "Willow is lucky to be in the same hospital as Rachel Alexander". Shana and I both agree, Willow thinks Rachel A is lucky to be in the same hospital as she. This is truly one of the most amazing animals I have ever met...she has more heart than one can even imagine. I am sure that heart has been filled with so much love, by Shana, and that is why she is still so strong.

It is true... Willow is so stoic, so strong and dignified and so proud.  Nancy told me that she cried when she hugged Willow for a while, but then Willow looked at her as if to say, "Okay enough of that.  Pull yourself together, I'll be just fine." And then Willow walked over to the other side of her hospital stall to look out the window. Yes, stoic is the perfect word to describe this amazing horse.  She is so strong, and I still have so much to learn from her.  I'm so happy she will still have the chance to teach me.

Willow Update (Friday)

My day keeps getting better and better... :)

First I heard from Dr. Ruggles.   So far so good, but he will know more on Monday when they are able to get some good x-rays.   He said she's eating well and comfortable!  She has a metal plate and 12 screws holding her elbow together, and she is still on bute and antibiotics.  So glad to hear that she is still doing well!

Then I got an email from Rood & Riddle's fabulous Public Relations Manger, Alex Riddle!  He sent these photos of my sweet girl... 

Side note:

Willow would be horrified to know that I posted these photos of her looking so disheveled... so please don't tell her! ;)  But of course, I think she looks beautiful... Alive and beautiful!!  ♥

By the way, they were able to get her exact weight which is sadly still only 960 pounds. You can see how thin she still is in the photo below on the right...

My guess though is that she was only 800 pounds when I got her and probably only 700 when Leah first picked her up from that abandoned farm. :(  Makes me sick to think about it...  anyway, the good news is that she has gained and will continue to gain weight.  Though her condition will be harder to manage with her recovering from a broken leg, we will do everything we can for her as always. ♥

Thank you Rood & Riddle!!

And THEN, Alex sent me video!!!! Check out my fighter... already walking!!!  She stumbles a couple of times & I cried because it looked like she was in pain, but Martha saw the video and reassured me that she looks great and better than she had expected!  I feel like it's a total miracle!



So grateful!!!

Broken

As if Willow hasn't been through enough...

I knew something was terribly wrong when I heard that our ranch hand was screaming for me to come out to the barn.... Willow and Raven had gotten into a kicking fight and one of the horses was really hurt.  Since Willow is so dominant and possessive, I thought the injured one would be Raven.  I ran outside to find Willow in her stall, shaking and in obvious pain. I could tell immediately that it was her front right leg and then checked the rest of her over... she had blood coming from her nose.  Of course I panicked and called Martha right away.  She was close by and said she'd be there in 5 minutes but to hold off on calling the vet... I think she was guessing it would be just a sore leg.   Within a couple minutes of Martha's examination, she looked up at me with worried eyes and said, "Call Dr. Kimmons, and tell him to bring his x-ray machine."   That was when I really lost it...   So many thoughts going through my mind... omg, could she really have a broken leg?  I had just watched the movie Dreamer so I asked Martha about suspending a sling from the ceiling so that we could save her if it was broken...  Martha explained that it wasn't a great option... and especially for a horse in Willow's condition.  By the time Dr. Kimmons arrived, I was hysterical... I had gone in the house to try to get all my crying out, but at this point I just couldn't stop the tears.  He knew it was broken before he even took x-rays.  And the x-rays confirmed it...  I cried into Willow's mane...   I'm still crying now.  I need you Willow...  I still need you.   And we've come so far together...  You are doing so so well... and you're going to be all well by summer... and it will be warm, and we can play and be happy.  I need you.... Please don't leave me...

Before he could say anything else, I told Dr. Kimmons that there was NO way I was going to lose my sweet Willow.  I would throw myself over her body before I let that needle come near.  He understood and told me about the surgeons at Rood & Riddle Equine Hospital in Lexington.  He said they are the best in the world, and that if anyone could fix her leg, it would be them.   Lexington???  That's too far!!! Isn't there any hospital closer?   I won't be able to go with her...  my kids.. I can't leave my kids.  "For this,"  he explained, "they are your best hope."  Martha agreed, and I trust Martha so much.  So Dr. Kimmons emailed them photos of her x-rays and waited for their return call.  I heard him answering the surgeon's questions... the last answer was, "No, she isn't a show or dressage horse...  No, she's a rescue and a pet... but her owner sure does love her a whole lot."  He hung up and told me that the surgeon agreed to take her.   Dr. Kimmons gave Willow a shot of bute and a shot of some other pain killer, and then he gave me a hug.

So as Martha and Michael prepared the trailer and all her medicines, special food, etc., I stayed with Willow in her stall.  She kept looking like she wanted to lay down... her back legs were so unstable.. looking like they would buckle at any moment.  Don't lay down, Willow, I begged...  I was so worried she would lay down and we'd never get her up.   I put her warmest blanket on her and I held her bowl of grain up high so she could eat it.  By the time she finished eating, my fingers were frozen, but I found warmth under her mane.  And I put three tiny braids in her mane... hoping that somehow the nurses in the hospital would see them and know how much she is loved.  As I hugged her, I prayed... and I promised her that she would be okay.  But I couldn't help but worry that she wouldn't make the trailer ride... what if she fell because she was so weak and unstable and broke her leg worse... or in a place that couldn't be operated on?  What if she broke another leg?  What if the surgery doesn't work?   What if this is our very last hug?

Somehow they got her loaded into the trailer.  But Willow was kicking and upset...  frustrated and scared.  My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest  as I watched them drive away.  I am so worried.  I just can't believe this is happening...  Willow has a broken leg.  And I have a broken heart...
 

Missing Martha's Farm!

As much as I love having Willow home with me, I'm missing everything about Martha's farm.  I miss the barn cats (this is Miriam... Abigail's mother), the gorgeous barn light, the drive in the country, the other horses and boarders, etc.  Mostly, though... I miss Martha.  ♥  We have always been friends, but we have really gotten close these past few months...  I am so blessed to have her as a trainer, consultant, and friend.  I am so grateful for everything she has done... not only for Willow, but also for me.  I will never forget all the long talks, stories, and songs we shared out at her farm... or how lovingly she tended to Willow when she struggled.  Beautiful on the outside, and even moreso on the inside, Martha is truly an angel... one of the many blessings from my journey with Willow. ♥ 

Dreamer

I get so happy in the car on the way to see Willow at Martha's farm. It's a beautiful drive through the countryside, and the anticipation always gives me butterflies. ♥

As I drove up, I knew right away that Willow was struggling. I could see her standing there in her pasture... just standing in the middle of the hay pile as her pasture mates grazed. Martha was at church, so I went straight out to Willow. She had thick, green liquid seeping from her mouth and nose. She was choking.

I ran back into the barn to find something to wipe Willow's face, and I ran into Tammy who boards her horse at the farm. Horse people never cease to amaze me... they always know when you need a hug.  I was visibly shaken and upset, and Tammy could see that. She hugged me and tried to reassure me, and then she gave me a clean white towel for Willow. I noticed the towel was new as she took it out of her wooden trunk, and I felt bad knowing it would surely be soiled. But there's this thing about horse lovers... they love horses. And Tammy, along with everyone else at this wonderful place, loves Willow. And she could have cared less about her clean white towel. I love horse people.

Back out in the pasture, I wiped Willow's sweet face and tried to gently massage her throat and guttural pouch the way Martha had taught me. And in between her struggles to swallow, I hugged her as I always do. But today I had a hard time hiding my sadness... and I turned into her mane and cried. I could feel that she was sad too.

When Martha returned from church, she came straight out to the pasture. It was so cold, and my feet were frozen by then. But we stood and talked for a long while. I told her that I had broken down with Tammy and that I was feeling so discouraged... and that I had cried. And I told her of what I was fearing. "Remember when I told you that horses think in pictures?" she asked.  Of course I did, and I admitted that I really didn't understand what that meant.  So she gave me an example.  She told about one of the horses at her farm... a lovely mare that was quiet and easy to ride.  Her owner, though, was very fearful and always anticipating something would spook her horse.  She was always on high alert when she rode... she would anticipate and imagine her horse to spook, and her horse would spook!  When others rode her, she never spooked.  But because this horse could feel what her rider was feeling and "see" what her rider was envisioning, she too rode on high alert and she spooked.

And it finally clicked for me...  I have to find a way not to imagine a sad fate for Willow.  I have to not let these fears creep into my mind... and especially not when I'm with her.  And moreover, I have to start imagining Willow healthy and healed... beautiful and whole.  So I did.  I closed my eyes and I imagined her grazing in a field of yellow flowers in the spring.... playing in the pasture and trotting gracefully with her head up high, like the queen she is.  And I imagined her eating and swallowing easily and effortlessly.   And I imagined riding her... I imagined that I was smiling and crying at the same time for our victory... because I know I will. Now, I know I will.