Letter to Willow (on the anniversary of her death)

Dear Willow, 

It has been one year today since you left... and I don't miss you any less. I miss you every second of every day.  I miss your hugs, the way you smell, the softness of your fur, your three little braids, and the way you'd rest your head over my shoulder.  I miss the butterflies I felt when I was with you and how you made me feel so safe..  like a child home in mother's arms... and I miss the comfort of your love and strength . I just miss you. 

And I do still dream of seeing you healthy and whole in your pasture during the spring... on the green grass with all those tiny yellow flowers and the sunshine warming your back...  Even though that day never did come...

Yes, I've missed you my sweet girl. But I finally understand why you had to leave me though. I felt it then, but I know now beyond any doubt that you were my special angel... sent by God... my very own angel. And I realize that you were never meant to be with me for more than a short time here on Earth.  But somehow you've always been with me, and will always be. That is so obvious now looking back.. after all your health issues were resolved, you had that awful accident that broke your leg. We sent you to the best surgeon in the world, but even so, the surgery failed only a week later and despite my pleading, they had no choice but to take you. You were with me just long enough to show me all that you had come to teach me. You gave me so much, but even after your death you kept sending me gifts and signs... beautiful signs. Because of you, my faith was renewed and strengthened... because of you, my relationship with Martha grew into a beautiful friendship... because of you, we went on to rescue other horses.  Because of you, I found opportunities to pay it forward and to share just a bit of the love you gave me with others... and because of you, my world will never ever be the same. Ever.

Proof of God's love, your story has changed not just my life, but the lives of many.  I continue to receive personal stories from people around the world who have been inspired to rescue a horse, make a donation, or volunteer their time to help horses in need... and all in your name.  There was even a little girl who had been following our story and decided that for her 11th birthday, instead of birthday presents, she would ask everyone to bring items to donate to the local horse rescue... and instead of having a party, all of her guests joined her in delivering these items to the rescue.  The photos her big sister sent me will forever stay in my heart.  

And then there are the emails I've received from people regarding their faith and God.  People who were finally sure they'd see their loved ones again one day... because they knew for sure now that Heaven exists...  people who had lost faith but found it again through our story... and people who had conquered their fears or who finally found the strength to make a change or the courage to follow their dreams. And somehow all because of you...  One of my favorites was from a woman named Becky.  She sent this to me during the holidays, and it was the best Christmas gift ever:

"Shana, I grew up with horses until the age of 10 when my mother left me and I ended up in foster care. For 46 years I put that life behind me, and while I still loved horses, I never allowed myself to get close to them as it brought painful memories back. Your love story with Willow changed all of that for me. I am riding again and giving my talent of photography to those around me who ride. I want you to know that Willow, through your writings, saved me as well. I'm glad she continues to bless you. Merry Christmas to you and your family." 

I love it when people call our story a love story.  I set out to rescue you... but you rescued me.  And you loved me and showed me what it looks like to live without fear, to rise above, and to love and trust without condition.  Yes ours is a story about love, and since God is love, it's a story about God too.  It's a story of love and of faith... Beauty from ashes...

Yesterday in church, when everyone was praying silently, I was so lost in prayer and thinking about you that I didn't even notice Martha had stood up... until she bent down and whispered in my ear, "Listen, Shana... this is the song I used to sing to Willow."  I opened my eyes and heard the beautiful words "How Great Thou Art..."  Martha and I looked at each other and no words were necessary.  I've never heard that song at this church before... in fact I haven't heard it since the last time Martha sang it to you.  To us.  And I flashed back to those cold days last winter out in your pasture, us comforting you as you struggled... And Martha singing those words ever so softly... "How Great Thou Art..."

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

So today I am choosing not to be sad that you are gone.... but happy and lucky... so lucky... that you were mine at all.  And that you are still and forever with me.   I carry you in my heart....

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
Anywhere I go, you go my dear
And whatever is done by only me
is your doing.

I fear no fate.
I want no world...
It's only you.
Whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing...
it's only you.

Here is the deepest secret
nobody knows...
And this is the wonder
that keeps the stars apart,

I carry your heart,
I carry it in my heart...

             - E.E. Cummings

My beauty, my Velvet Willow... I love you.  Thank you for rescuing me.


Love forever,
Shana

A Christmas Gift

It's Christmas Eve, and something very special and beautiful happened this morning... I woke up early and went out to feed the horses. It was cold, and the sun was peeking up over the hills. I put hay down for Misty right outside Willow's stall. But instead of eating it right away, Misty looked toward the sun, and then all of a sudden, it started to snow! I grabbed my cell phone from my coat pocket and started snapping. You can't really tell how much, but the snowflakes were the big fluffy kind. And as they fell from the sky, I got that old familiar feeling - almost like butterflies - that I used to get when Willow was with me. Snow always reminds me of Willow, but this morning, I knew she was with me. I think Misty knew too. I can't believe I caught this moment with my iPhone. I think the snow was Willow's gift to me... a peaceful reminder of God's love (just like she was). What a beautiful way to start my Christmas Eve... my heart is so full. I wish everyone could experience their own Christmas miracle today... ♥

Morning at Martha's Farm

One year ago today, Willow was delivered to me at Martha's farm.. I drove out there early this morning and surprised Martha. I brought Martha a small, handmade painting of a Friesian horse on old barn wood.  I also brought the old Faith sign that I kept on Willow's stall door, and I hung it back up. Martha gave me a big hug, and we spent some time together right there in Willow's stall.

I don't think I'll ever be able to express just how grateful I am to Martha for all she did for Willow... and for me.  Mostly though, for loving Willow with her whole heart. Willow has brought many gifts to my life... and one of the greatest gifts is Martha's friendship.  Yes, we were friends before, but our friendship has grown so much during our journey with Willow and even now many months after her death.  Martha has done amazing things for our horses, but truly the most amazing thing is what she has done for my soul and for my faith.  I appreciate and admire her so much... she is sure proof of God's love.  And I am the fortunate witness...  and the very lucky recipient of her guidance, encouragement and unwavering love.

I cried plenty of tears this morning- happy tears because I am so thankful for the time I had with Willow and for everything our journey together has meant to me. And look who showed up right when I was about to leave... Abigail! Willow's best kitty friend... such a sweet kitty. I really feel like Willow was there today too... right there with us. In fact, I know she was.

One year ago & a new photo of us

I came across this photo of us from last winter... I don't have any photos from the day I met her (I was too stunned to pick up my camera)...

A year ago today, I met the soul and started the journey that would forever change my life in the most miraculous ways... I will never forget the complete shock and sadness I felt when I first saw her. And I felt so scared... I was just so scared.

It must have been some special kind of faith deep down inside of me that helped me make this decision - despite my fears and doubts. My has that faith grown... and grown... and it continues to grow. And I think my heart has grown too. I experienced the most incredible love and witnessed the kind of hope and strength I only wish I had myself. I learned so much from her... yes, I learned SO much from her... much about life, much about faith, and much about love. I have so much more to learn, and the miracle is that she is still teaching me.

And though our time on earth together was short, our journey together lives on. She is with me. She is in me. She watches over me... Yes, I miss her, but I'm happy that our story has inspired others in so many positive ways; and I am comforted by the stories others are still sharing with me... .. stories of faith renewed, horses rescued, donations made, poems written, and long lost dreams fulfilled... and all in the name of my amazing, beautiful, divine horse named Willow.

 I do believe she was God's gift to me, and I am so so grateful...

Rain and Violet

Rain and Violet... they are both so gentle and kind... both gifts from Willow.  ♥  From Mississippi and Florida, I found them while not even looking for horses.  And I bought them both site unseen, because I knew in my heart that they were perfect for me. And since Willow died, I trust my heart. They are the two horses I ride now, exclusively...  They take care of me, and I feel safe with them.  Yes, I trust my heart because I feel that Willow is somehow guiding me.  But when I really think about it, I still don't feel worthy of all that God has blessed me with, especially Willow's undying love and guidance...

Thank you God.

The reason I hold on...

The reason I hold on 

'cause I need this hole gone...

 Funny you're the broken one 

 but I'm the only one who needed saving... 

                                                                                          (Rihanna)

I think this was the last photo of us together. I was a mess... crying so hard in the comfort of her mane. I am trying so hard to learn from my sweet Willow... though she was a horse, she rose above all of the awful things in her life and held her head so high. She was such a good example for me, and I've been trying harder to live like she did.

And though I still have so much more to learn from her, I am so so thankful to God for showing me the light through my wonderful Willow. Truly... I've experienced a miracle. And she has saved me...

But I still miss her... ♥

I can feel you....

Dear Willow,

I can feel you... I know you are trying to tell me something. I know you are trying to lead me somewhere or to something.

I am praying for clarity, for a clear mind, and an open heart.  I want to hear you...

And I miss you still.  So so much...

Please help me, my sweet girl.  Help me to understand where you are trying to lead me...

And I will listen carefully.  Because I know your soul speaks so softly...

I love you,

Shana

Describing Willow

I asked Martha to help me think of words to describe Willow.  We thought about it for a long while and then combined our lists.  Willow was divine, yes, but she was so much more...  I loved everything about her and wanted to put these words in writing so I could always remember how she was...

In no particular order....

Willow:

Divine, regal, wise, loving, protective, knowing, beautiful, peaceful, strong yet fragile, enchanting, vulnerable, simple yet complex, still, reflective, amazing, patient, talented, refined, known, open yet guarded, inviting, magnificent, patient, kind, hopeful, present, elegant, chosen, humble, willing, deep, soft, brave, dignified, courageous, resilient, honorable, balanced, stoic, powerful, compassionate, consistent, faithful, independent, graceful, pure of heart, a teacher, a friend, a mother, a fighter.... perfect.

I will keep adding to this list, but really it's hard to describe Willow in words.  Words just aren't good enough...

I miss her so so much. ♥

Goodybe Girl

  Goodbye Girl

    -By David A. Gates  

All your life you've waited for love to come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it's hard believin' the words you've heard before
But darlin' you must trust them just once more... 'cause baby
Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away
'cause the things you do my goodbye girl
Will bring me back to you.

I know you've been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin' in
But I can wait forever, a-helpin' you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me
...so remember

Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart
So forget your past my goodbye girl
'cause now you're home at last.

I'm having such a rough day.... I miss Willow so much.  I would do anything for just one more Willow hug.  Out of all the photos I have of Willow and although I didn't think much of this one when I took it, I think it might be my favorite.  I will never forget the way she looked at me, willing me to stay that day.  She didn't want me to leave...  and I knew she loved me. I probably need to stop listening to sad songs that make me think of her... that make me cry.  But the lyrics to this song are so fitting...

So forget your past my goodbye girl
'cause now you're home at last.

Comfortably Numb

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.

                                - Roger Waters / David Jon Gilmour 


I have had such a hard time coming back to update here... it's just so hard for me still.   I miss Willow.  I just miss her so much...  

Maybe I've tried to forget all of this in some way, and coming back to my blog reminds me.  And it hurts too much to remember.  Sure, I have pretty pictures of little Mirabella, and funny photos of The Prince...  but as pretty and cute as they are, I feel such a deep, painful void in my life since Willow left.  And on top of not having Willow to go to for comfort and to make me feel safe and soulful.... I think I may actually have a hole in my heart.

I still can't believe she is really gone.  It seems like only yesterday I smiled as I watched her running though the back pasture... prancing with her head held high... happy and doing so well.  But at the same time, it seems like I haven't seen her in so long...  And I'm so afraid I will forget.  I don't want to forget. I want to remember everything about her...  the depth of her eyes, the smell of her fur, the warm, safe feeling of her mane.  With her, I felt like I was home.  I need to write about her... what made her so divine and I need to list everything she tried to teach me... so I can continue to learn- because I need to be more like her.  And I want to teach Mirabella and even my own children... the lessons I learned from Willow.  I wish I could do a better job of describing what she was to me and how she made me feel... and how important she was and always will be to me.  Or how truly divine she was...

So I have been going through the motions, enjoying my children, my family, my horses.  Coffee in the morning and wine at night...  and my days are full.  Yet a part of me feels numb.

Am I numbing myself so I don't feel the pain?  I still wake up at 4:30am each morning with the sad realization that she is gone...  and I look out my window for another sign... for the sun to come.  But winter won't seem to go away.... it just won't leave.  I need to feel the sun...   

And I haven't cried in so long... not until today... right now as I write.  Perhaps this is what I was trying to avoid.  Like I said in the beginning... many posts ago....  I don't like to feel sad.  I don't read sad books, and I don't watch sad movies.  Yet the story in my own heart is so sad. And confronting it... writing it... makes me cry.  

I've always protected myself.  I've always chosen the safe route....   But I know in my heart that I have to keep writing... and I need to cry.  I need to keep my emotions raw and my feelings close to the surface, as painful as it really is.  Because the more time that passes, the more my memory of Willow is at risk of becoming  that "fleeting glimpse".  And I have to keep my dream alive...

No...  No, I do not want to become comfortably numb...

                                   

Cousins

This is hard to explain in writing, so I hope it comes out okay...

I feel like I need to clarify something...  The fact that Mirabella is Willow's baby cousin is not what makes her special to me.  The fact they they are blood related isn't what's important.  Blood really doesn't mean anything to me... Two of my three children are not blood related to me.  Blood is not what makes a family.  Mira and Willow's blood relation is special only in that it was revealed as a sign to me...   And it was all the signs that compelled me to go see her.

How it all came together, how Willow revealed Mira to me... that is what was special about her. I really felt Willow telling me to find Gabriella, and then I felt led to Mirabella during my search. I feel that I was nudged to click on Mirabella's dam's name after I'd already decided against going to see her, and then her mother's sire's name popped out at me instantly that way... as it was yet another sign... that is was okay to consider this sweet filly...  I feel like Willow wanted me to experience new life and health, more love... and spring. 

Mirabella... Mira... miracle...  my new little beauty...  a special gift from my beautiful Willow.  No, her bloodline is not why she is mine.  She is mine because she was meant to be... 

A Gift from Willow

First off, thank you again from the bottom of my heart for all of the beautiful emails, comments, posts, stories, poems, songs, prayers, flowers, donations to horse rescues in Willow's name, cards, and gifts.  I am so touched and have found much comfort in this outpouring of love for Willow and me. ♥  I especially love the emails and photos of horse rescues inspired by our story... (thank you)!  And I also want to mention that I have also found another horse that I am working on rescuing... but I cannot say any more at this time as it might put the other horses at this farm in jeopardy... it's a work in progress that I hope to share soon.  Prayers are always appreciated for this horse and all others who are being neglected and abused. ♥

So after crying for days, something in my heart told me to try to look for Willow's daughter Gabriella* once more.  She was the only one of Willow's four foals that none of us could find when we searched many months ago. Many people (including Nancy) have suggested that if at all possible, it would be lovely for me to have one of Willow's offspring; and Nancy said that Gabriella in particular was so very much like Willow. (*name changed for reasons to be revealed later).

When I searched for Gabriella last year, I could only find one sales listing for her.  She was listed for sale on the site of a Friesian breeder in Texas.  When I called them,  they said she had been sold but they wouldn't give me any more information.  They said they sold her because they had failed at breeding her (that she was infertile).  So I googled and googled some more... and I actually found another ad for her on a different site!  I was so happy to see that she might actually be for sale right now...  but when I called the number listed on the site, the message said the owner was out of the country and to email her (which I did).  The page I found looked like a basic information page on Gabriella... so to make sure, I clicked on "Friesians for sale."  That page had many listings, and about half of them were marked as "sold".  I did not, however, see Gabriella listed on the page at all.  It was strange.... she had a page on the site (including a sales price), but wasn't listed on the sales page as "for sale" or "sold".  So I looked again... .this time when I looked I noticed that each horse listed seemed to be in a different state... CA, NY, TX, etc.  While trying to figure out why, I noticed the name of one of the horses listed for sale... her name was Mirabella.  I guess it stuck out to me for a few reasons... mainly that I love the name... and it was actually on my final list of names for Willow.  Mirabella means "Beauty" which is mostly what I called Willow when we were together...   But I think in the end, I thought Mirabella was too close to my business name (Florabella), and I thought Willow was a better fit for my sweet girl.  In any case, right under Mirabella's name was her state... Tennessee.  And she was the only horse listed in TN...  The ad said she was a filly... just 10 months old, and listed the contact information.  I looked at the tiny photo and wondered what Willow must have looked like as a filly... and then I started to cry.  

When I called, a kind woman named Alise answered the phone.  I quickly explained that I had seen Mirabella's ad on this other site but that I was actually interested in Gabriella, and I asked her if she knew when the other breeder would be back in the country.  She explained that the woman was moving out of the country and had been listing Friesians for other breeders... and that likely, Gabriella had already been sold.  (I later got an email from the woman explaining that Gabriella had indeed been sold and that the listing was related to the original listing I'd found.).  Alise then suggested I take a look at Mirabella, but I quickly explained that I wasn't looking for just any horse.. and certainly not a filly.  I was looking for Willow's daughter. And not thirty seconds later, I was in tears telling Alise my whole story.  She listened, and we talked for a long while...  she took a look at my blog and told me that she thought Mirabella looked like Willow.   Then I looked at the photos of Mirabella on her site, and I have to say... I agree.  She does look like Willow...  and from what Alise told me, she was sweet and gentle like Willow too.  Maybe we should go out to see Mirabella?  No, that's crazy... and it's too soon.. it's too soon....  But I told Alise I would mention it to Martha and Michael.   I texted Martha the link... "Martha, look what I found when I was searching for Gabriella... isn't she sweet?  It's just too soon, but it's kinda strange how I found her... and by the way, there are no Friesians listed for sale in Tennessee right now if you search.  I only found her because I was looking for Gabriella."

Martha's response:

"I know it's too soon, but I like the way you are thinking about the future.  And I do like what this baby represents... new life, health, restoration, and rebirth.  It's a beautiful thing.  Willow is experiencing all of that in Heaven right now and probably wanted you to see a piece of that here on earth.  Don't feel bad for finding her... think of it as one more gift from God to you."

I was surprised, but of course, I loved what Martha wrote...  and I started to think that maybe, just maybe, we should really go and see Mirabella.  That maybe Willow led me to her... and that she would want me to have this gift.  So I mentioned it to Michael, and again I was surprised.  He wanted to go see her.

The next morning I asked Martha if she wanted to go with us to see Mirabella.  It was a 2 1/2 hour drive.   She seemed shocked that we were going... she told me we were crazy to get a filly.  "But what about that text you sent me??  You know, about this being a gift from God... and Willow?"  And then she explained that just finding her and seeing her photos was what she meant by that...  that I was meant to see how Willow looked in Heaven... and that should comfort me.  So we discussed the pros and cons of raising a young horse... and by the time I got off the phone, I was completely talked out of it.

As I was explaining it all to Michael, I went to close the web page with Mirabella's listing.  But when I looked, I noticed the name of Mirabella's dam was highlighted.  Out of curiosity, I clicked on it.  I wanted to see if Mirabella's mother looked like Willow, and thought I'd take a glance at her photos. When I clicked, though, it didn't take me to photos... It took me to her Friesian Pedigree card and her family tree.  Immediately, one tiny name practically jumped off the screen at me...

"Michael, oh my gosh, help me find Willow's paperwork... "  I frantically fumbled through my files....  I found the file, pulled out Willow's pedigree card, and held it up to the computer screen.   "Oh my.... oh my gosh..... Michael... They have the same grandfather! They are first cousins... Mirabella is Willow's baby cousin!!!"  And the tears streamed down my face...

And Michael looked at me with a smile... "Looks like someone is getting a new horse this weekend."

And with Martha's blessing, we packed up the kids and took a roadtrip to see this precious little filly.  And she was every bit as sweet and gentle as Alise said she would be.  Within our first few minutes together, she lowered her head to my chest... just as Willow did when we first met. And instantly, I fell in love with her.  And I do believe, it was meant to be...

And then when we got home, we noticed the first signs of spring in our yard (one week early).  The flowering plum tree by the barn had blossomed while we were with Mirabella earlier that day. It was another sign...  I had so wanted for Willow to live to see spring with me, and now I know in my heart that Willow will be watching over us from Heaven and happy to see me laughing and playing with this beautiful new filly, so full of life and new hope...  And I will always believe in my heart that Mirabella is Willow's gift to me... yes, one of her many many gifts to me.  Thank you, my beauty... thank you for Mirabella, and thank you for spring... ♥


Princess Mirabella is being being delivered tomorrow...

 (thank you to Alise for taking and sharing this photo...)

Weeping Willow - a gift from Michael

Michael disappeared for over three hours the other morning... I had no idea what he was up to, but he returned with a very beautiful gift for me...  a Weeping Willow tree.  He planted it in our backyard near the barn, and I can see Willow's stall from where he put it.  This was the sweetest gift he has ever given me... and it made me cry.

The next day, they delivered Willow's ashes to me along with a certificate and a lock of her mane. They came in a pretty box with her name engraved on it... and also inside was a little bag with the plate and screws from her broken leg surgery.... It was so hard for me to accept these things. How I wished that surgery had worked... how I wish this was all a nightmare and that Willow was still here with me...

I think I will bury her ashes under the Weeping Willow, and then we'll plant some flowers that will bloom every spring.  I can't believe it's almost spring.... it doesn't feel like spring to me...

No Ordinary Rainbow

It rained, and I cried... all day long yesterday.  I started to read through some of the many beautiful emails and comments I've been receiving.  Beautiful poems, stories and verses- many in attempt to answer my question about horses going to Heaven.  People have told me to look for a sign from Willow...  some promised that I would see a sign... or feel her with me somehow.

In the morning, after the kids left for school, I immediately broke down and cried.  I went out to see The Prince and hug on him for a while... and then I walked in the rain to see Paloma and Charlie who were extra sweet to me. When I returned, I went into Willow's stall and sat down on the straw and cried some more.  I tried so hard to quiet my tears because maybe if I was quiet enough it would happen... I would hear her or see some sort of sign.  I waited and waited... but nothing.  I imagined the sky getting bright and looking up to see a rainbow. The clouds would clear, the sun would shine, and a beautiful rainbow would appear.  How I wished I'd see a rainbow... what a beautiful sign that would be.  So all day long, it continued to rain, and I kept looking for rainbows.  I must have gone outside fifty times to look for a rainbow in the sky, but the sky remained gray.  As darkness fell, I was so disappointed.  But then it occurred to me that maybe I would dream about Willow.  Maybe Willow would visit me in my dreams...

When I woke up, I was fine for a moment... but then it hit me.  I remembered my sadness and realized that Willow was gone- and that I didn't have any dreams about her during the night... and I cried.  I texted Martha, "The mornings are so hard.  I wake up and cry when I realize she is gone."   

So I pulled myself together, put on a pot of coffee, and got the kids off to school.  When I returned to my bedroom, I picked up my phone and saw that I had missed Martha's return text:  "Look at the sunrise. From where I am, every cloud has a rainbow edge."   So I jumped up and ran to the window... only to find some pretty clouds behind the hills but nothing with rainbow edges.  I was so upset that I'd missed it.  But the clouds were so pretty and I thought I'd take a photo to show Martha what I was seeing.  When I looked at the photo on my cell phone... this is what I saw:

It wasn't there before... I couldn't see it with my eyes... yet it somehow appeared in the photo. So I snapped again and again... and it kept appearing... a reflection of the heavens with a shape in the middle... the shape of a horse's head.  And it was right over her pasture!

I kept snapping, and it kept evolving... but it was still there... I asked myself was it really a horse head or was it me just wanting it to be?  But then I saw this...

The sun rays brighter now, and to the left of the horse head shape was what looked like a horse! Do you see it?? the ears, the eyes, the nose... the feet...  My heart was racing... So I kept snapping...

And here I see what looks to me almost like a horse leaping toward the sun...  could this be Willow's spirit?  Something told me to go out to the barn... hurry, go out to the barn!  So I did...

This is the first photo I took...  the beautiful sunrays... but when I looked at my phone camera, I noticed the tiny white flare... right next to Willow's stall window!!!  It was cold outside, and I wasn't wearing a coat.  Satisfied with my miracle, heart still racing, I headed back toward the house.  But something called to me... "Go to her stall..."  And as I passed Michael on his way out to feed the other horses, I turned around, "I have to go to Willow's stall!" I cried... and I ran as fast as I could.

And this is what I saw...   and the little white flare was there...  right where the sign that reads "Faith" is hanging on her stall door...  Then something in my heart said, "Open the door..."

When I opened the door, the sun beams were so bright and I felt their warmth.  The hazy sun rays flooded her stall...  And when I looked at the photo I had taken, I could see a rainbow flare like a halo all around the sun rays.  I could still see the little white flare, but there was a pink glow around it now, and I knew it had to be Willow's spirit.. moving ever closer to the sun and resting in the exact spot where we found her late that last night.  It has been so hard for me.. that memory of her there where she looked so uncomfortable.  But suddenly it was so beautiful... and I could feel her there.  And I knew for sure that this was my sign....

I snapped one last photo of the sun on my way back to the house.  And look who followed me...  on her way back up to Heaven.  I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that horses do go to Heaven... and that some lucky Angel will be riding on Willow until I am with her again.  And that until then, she will be with me, in my heart and by my side for always.  Thank you sweet Willow... thank you dear God.... Thank you for this sign.... this miracle... it was so so much better than any ordinary rainbow. ♥

Tea with the Queen

It has been 24 hours since Willow died.  I have cried more than I have slept... but I need to document some of what has happened...

Martha did as I asked. I am so grateful to her... This was her text to me...

"I hugged her, kissed her and scratched her under her mane.  She is free now.  Forever safe where there is no pain, no cruelty, and no suffering..."

And she sent me a photo of Willow with the 4 braids I asked her to put in her mane....  I asked her only after Willow was gone to please cut off the three braids so I could keep them to remember her by... but to leave her one to take with her... from me.  I made her promise not to cut any of her mane until she was gone... (I just kept remembering the only scene that stuck with me from "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"... when they cut the lion's mane off... that always broke my heart....)

My friend Brenna came over to watch the kids, as I was hysterical... and she comforted me until Michael got home.  He was devastated...  he said the moment he saw her x-ray up on the screen and the looks on the faces of everyone in the clinic, he knew...and it broke his heart.  I've never seen him cry like that before...

She was gone.  Willow was gone. How can this be?  No..... no..... I just couldn't stop my tears.... I still can't.  The pain is unbearable.

I have received thousands of well wishes...  poems, personal stories, drawings, and bible verses. Thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart.... As much I as know that Willow's soul was pure, it has been so beautiful to witness the beauty of so many human souls.  In this crazy, desensitized world, beauty and love lives on...  and that comforts me.  And I received several emails and even photos from those who were inspired by our story to rescue a horse in need.  That alone makes my pain worthwhile...  It helps so much to know that even though our journey didn't end how I'd dreamed, I will always know that other horses have beautiful new beginnings...

Someone commented that Willow was "just a horse".   Well, she wasn't just a horse... she wasn't a pet... she was Velvet Willow, and she was my mine.  She was... no, she is my soulmate.  I know some people cannot understand...  but Willow was so much more than a beloved horse.  She was divine.  She was faith, she was hope, she was courage, she was beauty.  Yes, I took care of her... we all took care of her.  But she took care of me.  She was so strong, so regal, so tender and affectionate and gentle with me.  She would look at me for the longest time with those big brown, beautiful eyes... as if she was looking straight into my soul.  And I would see myself in her eyes...   she'd stand so close to me and move her head near me so slowly, so deliberately.  And when I hugged her, she hugged me back.  The feeling of her resting over my shoulder, trusting me and revealing her soul to me...  I cannot describe the beautiful feeling that would wash over me.  I loved the way her fur smelled... God, please don't ever let me forget the way she smelled.... or the warmth of her fur, or the comfort of her mane...  

I didn't take many calls that day, but I knew there were two people that I had to get ahold of.... Nancy and Leah.  I left messages for them both....

It is a miracle that I ever even found Nancy, and I'm so grateful for her support and love for both me and Willow (her Leona C.) throughout this journey. Nancy wrote to me:  Dearest Shana, I have been out of town and just returned to the heart breaking news of Willow. I would call, but I would cause you more pain by adding my pain to yours. As heart shattering as this is, I am trying to think of the positive...a wonderful horse named Willow taught me that. The Queen reigns on most high now. She is wonderfully whole again. That lofty, suspended trot is flying on angel wings. She has NO pain, she has no worried look in her eyes. Her head is held higher than ever...she is happy and free of all the pain her past life gave her. One day, I hope a very long time from now, we all will see her again. And when we see her in the greener pastures, do you know who she is going to run to? It won't be Anita, who raised her, it won't me who proudly rode her and raised Ster babies from her, and it certainly will not be the wicked people who caused her so much suffering. When we see her, it will be YOU, Shana, that she runs to. You, the loving soul that brought her back from misery, You that loved her back to cantering across the fields with her head held high. YOU, you, you......her love, her salvation. She is waiting to see you again one day. Until then, rest assured heaven knows, the Queen has ARRIVED. She is gone from your touch but NEVER your heart. I love you and I will talk, when we both are able.

I am also so grateful to Leah who took Willow and the other abandoned, starving horses in and cared for them as she found them homes.  I cried to Leah for a long while on the phone. As I cried and we remembered together all that was beautiful about Willow, Leah promised me that Willow and I were soul mates and that our souls would be together forever.  We talked about how though Willow was so stoic, some might describe her as "aloof" always holding her head up so high, that Willow would lower her head to me... she was so different with me, so affectionate- almost as if she was loving me like I was her foal.  It is true... I never regarded her as my baby... but rather, it was like she was taking care of me.  She was a good mother to the four babies I now know she had, and I think I experienced some of that nurturing love from her too.  And Leah reminded me of the day I first came to her farm to meet Willow.....  As I went to leave, she lowered her head and nuzzled my chest... right over my heart.  I'm so glad Leah reminded me of that moment.  Near the end of our conversation, I told Leah that I doubted I could ever connect with or love a horse this deeply again... that no other horses would ever be like Willow... what would I do without her?  What do I do now, I asked her...  Everything we did for her... all my hope wrapped up in her and wanting to see her whole, healthy and happy by Spring... and knowing now that I'd never be able to put those flowers in her mane....and why did I have such a short time with her... it was too short... Then Leah stopped me. "Shana, listen to me and think before you answer this question.  Shana, even though your pain is unbearable... and you only had a short time with Willow on earth, and even though it ended this way...  was it worth it?"   And without thinking, I answered, "Yes!  Yes it was...  I feel like I got to have tea with the Queen."     And indeed, I did.  I am SO so lucky....

BROKEN

The plate in Willow's leg is broken... she has a high fever, she is suffering....   I can't believe they are telling me they have to put her down!!!  Noooo.... NOOOOOO.... this can't end this way....  I can barely type through my tears... She's broken, I'm broken...  it should not end this way. This was supposed to be a beautiful story with a beautiful ending.  Spring isn't here, this can't happen now.... I pleaded with Dr. Ruggles, but they all agree that this is the humane thing to do. Nothing can be done for her... her elbow is shattered now... she wouldn't survive months being hoisted in a sling... she is even in too much pain to wait for me to get there... I can't even say goodbye!!!    They have her sedated now but she is still alive... please pray for her... please pray that she goes peacefully and that she KNOWS I love her and didn't send her away...

Martha called... "Do you want her tail, Shana?"   Do I want her tail??  Omg...  and do I want her to be cremated??  How can I survive this...  I need her.  I still need you, Willow.   Things are always supposed to end on a good note with horses right, not like this.. not in pain, not in sorrow... I don't want my last memory of her to be her leaving in me a trailer through my tears...

Martha will stay with her the whole time...  Michael is already on his way home... he was crying too. I asked Martha to please put those three little braids in her mane for me... She needs her three little braids...  To hug her like I did, to kiss on her the right side of her neck... to scratch her under her mane on the left side.... to kiss her on the cheek.  Then Martha held the phone so I could talk to her...  I tried so hard to be strong for her and not to cry... just for a minute...

"Willow....   my beauty.   Please know I love you.  I love you so much.  Thank you for loving me and for teaching me and trusting me.  I am so sorry it is ending this way... I know you are in pain, and I so wanted to walk in the sunshine with you this Spring.  But in Heaven, it's always Springtime... and you won't hurt any more.  Please, please wait for me in Heaven.  And until I get there, please continue to watch over me, because I need you to be my Angel....   I love you so much...  I love you, Willow..."

I just could not utter the words, "Good bye".  God, will I really see her again? I promised her I would...  Please tell me horses go to Heaven...

I am heartbroken.   I am broken.  I am broken.

Willow Update

I have received countless emails and messages from people who were concerned over my lack of updates in the last two days.  I reminded myself that while I am not writing about this journey for others, Willow has captured the hearts of people all over the world.... people that have prayed for her... for me.  People that have offered me support, guidance, advice, and love... people that have lifted my spirits and deepened my faith in humanity.  We've received gifts in the mail from people we've never met... gourmet pears & apples for Willow, a special charm for her halter...  and emails from people who have been inspired to rescue a horse or donate to horse rescue organizations. So, this isn't just about my feelings anymore.  This is about Willow's life.  And it's too important not to share...   

The past 36 hours have been terrifying....

This journey with Willow has always had it's ups and downs, but nothing like the rollercoaster ride we've experienced since she broker her leg.  I can't seem to stop the tears, so I'm just going to write without editing... I just need to write what I"m feeling.

It still shocks me so much that this has happened.  I bought a horse who had been neglected and abandonded and rescued from a terrible place.  She still needed to gain 350 pounds... she had choking issues, ulcers, and was then diagnosed with active EPM.  She is a picky eater, so trying to get her to eat while treating the ulcers and trying to prevent her choking was especially challenging.  She was choking nearly every day at one point... struggling so hard to swallow... but after two months at Martha's farm, it was time for Willow to come home.  She was eating hay, grass, and nearly 8 scoops of special, organic grain and she was finally gaining weight.  Once here, she stopped choking and gained even more weight.  Martha, Michael, Leah, Dr. Kimmons... all of us were overjoyed and amazed at how well she was doing.  I remember specifically one day, as we watched her in the pasture, discussing how she almost looked like a normal, healthy horse..... almost.   And then, the unthinkable happened.   But after coming this far with her, and after falling so deeply in love with her, there was NO way I was going to let a broken leg take her from me.  And I could see in her eyes that she had the will and the strength to survive.  Even on the trailer, shaking in pain, she held her head up high.... her eyes round and bright.  Her surgery at Rood & Riddle was a success, and eight days later Michael drove up to Kentucky to pick her up just to find that she was choking when he arrived.  They had her sedated and scoped but were unable to find anything treatable.  So they kept her overnight, and Michael stayed in a hotel.  The next morning,  Willow came home to what we expected to be an uneventful 8 weeks of recovery and rest in her stall....  We found out that Willow wasn't finishing her food at Rood & Riddle- that and the fact that she choked led us to believe that the EPM was causing her trouble again (since they took her off those meds as to not interfere with others).   She was on Bute for pain, ulcer medication (because Bute irritates ulcers), and then after a few days went back on the EPM medicine.  When she arrived home, we noticed that she wasn't eating much and that shifted her front feet back and forth a lot... and that just got worse and worse.  Dr. Kimmons took x-rays of her feet, her pulse, etc. was normal, so he didn't think it was Laminitis.  Perhaps the ulcers were causing her so much pain that she didn't want to eat either. She has been under our care, as well as Martha's and that of Dr. Kimmons who has been consulting with Dr. Ruggles of Rood & Riddle daily.  We just needed her to eat... so we switched her from Bute to a less irritating pain medication.. but after a couple days, her left front foot got warmer than the others, and she still wasn't eating much. She became increasingly unstable in her back end and struggled to walk.  Martha treated her with Myofascial therapy, Dr. Kimmons is here all the time too, and we even built her an outside stall so she could connect with the earth, feel the sun, and graze on the grass.  Still, she got worse. We've been flooding her with probiotics as well, but since she's barely eating grain, she hasn't been ingesting the special oils, vitamin E, or other supplements that she needs.  She seemed to be drinking less water, so we worried about dehydration on top of everything else.  Saturday morning, our team had a meeting here. Dr. Kimmons, Martha, etc.  We decided to put her back on Bute (because of the warm foot and the fact that she didn't eat even off Bute).  And we added another ulcer medication.  We wrote out a new schedule and assigned responsibilities... and everyone felt so good about our plan. I asked Dr. Kimmons point blank if he had seen horses worse off than Willow survive, and he said that he had... and that we weren't at a critical point yet. Martha felt especially happy about our new plan, and we even found a nurse to come check on Willow and administer IV meds each night (Martha would still do it in the mornings).  Yesterday went reasonably well, and we were feeling more hopeful.  But as the day went on, Willow got more an more wobbly... she really could barely walk.   And last night, when we went to check her at 9pm, we found her laying down to close to her back stall door... her neck was up against the wall, and she looked incredibly uncomfortable. Did she lay down in the wrong place?  Oh my gosh, did she fall???   It was obvious that she was cast in her stall and couldn't get up.  Michael wanted me to help him push her up...  I decided that we needed to open that back door so she would have more room to get up.  We tried to straighten out her feet and then we pushed and although she nearly fell on me at one point, we got her up.  She wasn't right... she was all tucked under in the back end... she was wobbly...  shaking.   I was so worried it would happen again.   We checked on her every couple of hours... and by 4am she was still shaky and hadn't eaten a bite.   Michael and I couldn't sleep...  just wondering what this was all about... why is she getting worse?  Why is she not eating??  But in the morning, Michael found her sleeping in her stall, and her bowl was empty!!  Maybe the new ulcer meds were working?  Did we just turn a corner?  When I got out there with her morning carrots (the only thing she usually seems excited about eating), she was ravenous.  But something was wrong.  Her leg (the one she had broken) was twitching... swollen and warm.  When Martha arrived at 8am, she could also see that something had gone terribly wrong.   We got her to walk, and we noticed that Willow could not longer bear weight on that front right leg.  Her gums were lighter, and we worried that she was on her way to dehydration.  Martha told me that it was time to get her into Dr. Kiimmon's clinic.  She needs fluids and x-rays of her leg.   And then who knows what she will need next...

So I cried as I watched Willow leave in the trailer once more.   And now, things are critical.

She will come back, right?  God, please let her come back.  It just can't end this way...  Spring is almost here.  The rich grass will start sprouting soon, and Willow can gain all her weight and strength back.  She can be whole again... and she can hold her head up high and walk in the sunshine once more.  She is my Black Beauty... please let this end like Black Beauty... please bring her back to me so she can live the rest of her life in happiness...  She has been through so much.  Too much.

Willow, please make it back to me...

Scary morning...

The most beautiful sight in the world to me right now is seeing Willow back on her feet....

Michael checked on Willow at midnight, and she seemed the same... up on her feet but she hadn't eaten anything.  Of course, we were worried... but nothing like how I felt to find Willow flat on the ground, eyes half open, and breathing very hard.  We were both very worried since we'd never seen her like that before...

She wouldn't get up, and she refused carrots (which really isn't like her).  I called Martha, both vets, and then tried all my friends who know a lot about horses... but it was before 7am, and no one answered... I felt so helpless and scared.  Could it be colic, laminitis, pneumonia, what?

Thankfully Martha came over quickly... and Willow got up shortly before she arrived.  We are thinking she must have been in a very deep sleep to have such labored breathing and hope that's what it was.  She lays down a lot, and for extended periods of time. But she is healing and still in pain, so she must need that right now.

Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons do not think her x-rays show founder, but Martha is still concerned this may be the start of laminitis.   Dr. Hawthorne will probably come by later to see her... maybe some accupuncture, etc.

There just isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sweet horse.  She's a fighter, a beauty, and a queen... and probably the smartest horse in the world.  As we stood with Willow, I told Martha that I think a lot about sappy horse movies... you know the kind-  the horse is dying on the barn floor, and people almost give up hope, and then all of a sudden the horse leaps up, shakes her head and everything is better? That is what I want to see happen here...  So, Martha and I prayed together with Willow, and we talked to her.  We talked about wanting her to eat and drink water (as she seemed a bit dehydrated).  And Willow looked at us.  Then she walked over to her hay and had a bite....  then she ate a bit of grain.  Then she splashed and drank some of her water... and then she even licked her mineral salt block, and she looked at us again.... as if to say, "There! And even though you forgot to mention it, I licked some salt too!"   ♥   

Willow.  She is a miracle, I just know it....

Not eating...

I love this photo of Dr. Kimmons and Willow...  ♥

He says her incision looks great and was able to take her bandage off and staples out yesterday... 

Unfortunately, Willow didn't eat again last night.  Michael built a small pen for her out on the grass so she can touch the earth and feel the sun and graze a bit.  She has grain and hay out there also. But she still isn't eating.  She will eat carrots from my hand and that's it.  I wonder if she is associating her grain (that she usually loves) with the bad taste of her medicines or something...  I think at this point I'm willing to temporarily switch her grain to the very best tasting most craved grain on the market (not sure what that is), just to get her to eat. 

Going to check on her again now...

Willow Update

My beautiful Willow just one day before she broke her leg...  I remember watching her with a huge smile on my face... thinking how amazing she looked and how far she had come. We finally seemed to be beyond the daily choking struggles, and her weight gain was so noticeable.  I still cannot believe this has happened...

So today Willow is much brighter than yesterday.  She is still laying down a lot, but I think she just needs to get off her feet and rest.  She is eating better (still not enough), and she just seems more alert and in less pain. 

Dr. Kimmons and Martha came this morning to check on Willow, give Charlie & Paloma their shots/coggins and to meet the Gypsy Prince.  We still haven't named him, but that's what the kids have been calling him.  As usual, Willow was an excellent patient.  The Prince, however, was quite naughty and really went a little crazy... nearly knocking Dr. Kimmons & assistant over...  Martha got tough (she's so brave) with him, and then he settled down.  We just don't know enough about his history before his last owner (who only had him a year) to know what he's been through. But we've heard that quite possibly a man had been too rough with him (so sad to hear that).  He's really a sweet boy...

So the plan is for Willow to receive all her meds (except the EPM, probiotics, oils, supplements, etc.) through injection as to not ruin her appetite.  So far, it seems to be helping... we'll see.  In any case, she is just so much better, and I truly appreciate all of the kind words, support, love prayers.   I just know that Willow is a very special horse... not because she's a Friesian or a rescue... and not because she is drop dead gorgeous (because she is)... :)   But I just know there is a greater purpose for her....  her life and struggles and our journey together.  I'm not one to believe in fate or destiny, yet this journey seems somehow that it was meant to be. 

The question remains, though... why?