March 26, 2013

Sweetie Girl

Mirabella did so well in our first training session with her yesterday. Martha loves her too and says she's sweet AND smart. Of course, I already knew that... :)

Mirabella is sweet and smart. She is so easy to love... she is so sweet and trusting. She is gentle and kind. And she gives kisses.... She is warming my heart. ♥

March 24, 2013

New Motherhood ♥

Mirabella arrived safely and walked into the barn with her head held high. ♥  She really is quite the princess.  This was during their first few moments together. Mirabella did the cute baby thing... opening and closing her mouth over and over, saying "I'm a baby."   This photo makes me so emotional - in a joyful way... I am so happy for Paloma. She will be such a good new mommy to baby Mira... I just know it...

And what this photo represents... it's even more proof that blood isn't all that important.

"For finding your mother, there's one certain test.  You must look for the creature that loves you the best."  ~ Little Miss Spider by David Kirk

Cousins

This is hard to explain in writing, so I hope it comes out okay...

I feel like I need to clarify something...  The fact that Mirabella is Willow's baby cousin is not what makes her special to me.  The fact they they are blood related isn't what's important.  Blood really doesn't mean anything to me... Two of my three children are not blood related to me.  Blood is not what makes a family.  Mira and Willow's blood relation is special only in that it was revealed as a sign to me...   And it was all the signs that compelled me to go see her.

How it all came together, how Willow revealed Mira to me... that is what was special about her. I really felt Willow telling me to find Gabriella, and then I felt led to Mirabella during my search. I feel that I was nudged to click on Mirabella's dam's name after I'd already decided against going to see her, and then her mother's sire's name popped out at me instantly that way... as it was yet another sign... that is was okay to consider this sweet filly...  I feel like Willow wanted me to experience new life and health, more love... and spring. 

Mirabella... Mira... miracle...  my new little beauty...  a special gift from my beautiful Willow.  No, her bloodline is not why she is mine.  She is mine because she was meant to be... 


March 23, 2013

Paloma ♥

My beautiful Paloma... she was my first horse and will always be so special to me. It feels so good to have her so close again... and as we waited, I realized that Paloma will be helping to raise little Mirabella. She will be her new horse mommy! So here she is, waiting for the little princess to arrive. We have a plan to keep them close but separate and to take things very slow (and safe). Paloma is a sweet mare and pretty passive too... I think this will work out nicely. ♥ So I now need to decide... do I start keep writing here on Willow's blog? Or should I start a new blog for Princess Mirabella?

Waiting for Mirabella


I am so excited for Mirabella to arrive! I put pink hydrangea in the barn for her arrival... I feel almost like an expectant mother! And I'm super excited to have Paloma back in the pasture closest to our house. She and Mirabella will be together. And The Prince will be with Charlie. We've been wanting to separate mares and geldings for a while, so this will be good. Mirabella... Mira like miracle. I think that's what I'll call her... Mira. ♥

March 22, 2013

A Gift from Willow

First off, thank you again from the bottom of my heart for all of the beautiful emails, comments, posts, stories, poems, songs, prayers, flowers, donations to horse rescues in Willow's name, cards, and gifts.  I am so touched and have found much comfort in this outpouring of love for Willow and me. ♥  I especially love the emails and photos of horse rescues inspired by our story... (thank you)!  And I also want to mention that I have also found another horse that I am working on rescuing... but I cannot say any more at this time as it might put the other horses at this farm in jeopardy... it's a work in progress that I hope to share soon.  Prayers are always appreciated for this horse and all others who are being neglected and abused. ♥

So after crying for days, something in my heart told me to try to look for Willow's daughter Gabriella* once more.  She was the only one of Willow's four foals that none of us could find when we searched many months ago. Many people (including Nancy) have suggested that if at all possible, it would be lovely for me to have one of Willow's offspring; and Nancy said that Gabriella in particular was so very much like Willow. (*name changed for reasons to be revealed later).

When I searched for Gabriella last year, I could only find one sales listing for her.  She was listed for sale on the site of a Friesian breeder in Texas.  When I called them,  they said she had been sold but they wouldn't give me any more information.  They said they sold her because they had failed at breeding her (that she was infertile).  So I googled and googled some more... and I actually found another ad for her on a different site!  I was so happy to see that she might actually be for sale right now...  but when I called the number listed on the site, the message said the owner was out of the country and to email her (which I did).  The page I found looked like a basic information page on Gabriella... so to make sure, I clicked on "Friesians for sale."  That page had many listings, and about half of them were marked as "sold".  I did not, however, see Gabriella listed on the page at all.  It was strange.... she had a page on the site (including a sales price), but wasn't listed on the sales page as "for sale" or "sold".  So I looked again... .this time when I looked I noticed that each horse listed seemed to be in a different state... CA, NY, TX, etc.  While trying to figure out why, I noticed the name of one of the horses listed for sale... her name was Mirabella.  I guess it stuck out to me for a few reasons... mainly that I love the name... and it was actually on my final list of names for Willow.  Mirabella means "Beauty" which is mostly what I called Willow when we were together...   But I think in the end, I thought Mirabella was too close to my business name (Florabella), and I thought Willow was a better fit for my sweet girl.  In any case, right under Mirabella's name was her state... Tennessee.  And she was the only horse listed in TN...  The ad said she was a filly... just 10 months old, and listed the contact information.  I looked at the tiny photo and wondered what Willow must have looked like as a filly... and then I started to cry.  

When I called, a kind woman named Alise answered the phone.  I quickly explained that I had seen Mirabella's ad on this other site but that I was actually interested in Gabriella, and I asked her if she knew when the other breeder would be back in the country.  She explained that the woman was moving out of the country and had been listing Friesians for other breeders... and that likely, Gabriella had already been sold.  (I later got an email from the woman explaining that Gabriella had indeed been sold and that the listing was related to the original listing I'd found.).  Alise then suggested I take a look at Mirabella, but I quickly explained that I wasn't looking for just any horse.. and certainly not a filly.  I was looking for Willow's daughter. And not thirty seconds later, I was in tears telling Alise my whole story.  She listened, and we talked for a long while...  she took a look at my blog and told me that she thought Mirabella looked like Willow.   Then I looked at the photos of Mirabella on her site, and I have to say... I agree.  She does look like Willow...  and from what Alise told me, she was sweet and gentle like Willow too.  Maybe we should go out to see Mirabella?  No, that's crazy... and it's too soon.. it's too soon....  But I told Alise I would mention it to Martha and Michael.   I texted Martha the link... "Martha, look what I found when I was searching for Gabriella... isn't she sweet?  It's just too soon, but it's kinda strange how I found her... and by the way, there are no Friesians listed for sale in Tennessee right now if you search.  I only found her because I was looking for Gabriella."

Martha's response:

"I know it's too soon, but I like the way you are thinking about the future.  And I do like what this baby represents... new life, health, restoration, and rebirth.  It's a beautiful thing.  Willow is experiencing all of that in Heaven right now and probably wanted you to see a piece of that here on earth.  Don't feel bad for finding her... think of it as one more gift from God to you."

I was surprised, but of course, I loved what Martha wrote...  and I started to think that maybe, just maybe, we should really go and see Mirabella.  That maybe Willow led me to her... and that she would want me to have this gift.  So I mentioned it to Michael, and again I was surprised.  He wanted to go see her.

The next morning I asked Martha if she wanted to go with us to see Mirabella.  It was a 2 1/2 hour drive.   She seemed shocked that we were going... she told me we were crazy to get a filly.  "But what about that text you sent me??  You know, about this being a gift from God... and Willow?"  And then she explained that just finding her and seeing her photos was what she meant by that...  that I was meant to see how Willow looked in Heaven... and that should comfort me.  So we discussed the pros and cons of raising a young horse... and by the time I got off the phone, I was completely talked out of it.

As I was explaining it all to Michael, I went to close the web page with Mirabella's listing.  But when I looked, I noticed the name of Mirabella's dam was highlighted.  Out of curiosity, I clicked on it.  I wanted to see if Mirabella's mother looked like Willow, and thought I'd take a glance at her photos. When I clicked, though, it didn't take me to photos... It took me to her Friesian Pedigree card and her family tree.  Immediately, one tiny name practically jumped off the screen at me...

"Michael, oh my gosh, help me find Willow's paperwork... "  I frantically fumbled through my files....  I found the file, pulled out Willow's pedigree card, and held it up to the computer screen.   "Oh my.... oh my gosh..... Michael... They have the same grandfather! They are first cousins... Mirabella is Willow's baby cousin!!!"  And the tears streamed down my face...

And Michael looked at me with a smile... "Looks like someone is getting a new horse this weekend."

And with Martha's blessing, we packed up the kids and took a roadtrip to see this precious little filly.  And she was every bit as sweet and gentle as Alise said she would be.  Within our first few minutes together, she lowered her head to my chest... just as Willow did when we first met. And instantly, I fell in love with her.  And I do believe, it was meant to be...

And then when we got home, we noticed the first signs of spring in our yard (one week early).  The flowering plum tree by the barn had blossomed while we were with Mirabella earlier that day. It was another sign...  I had so wanted for Willow to live to see spring with me, and now I know in my heart that Willow will be watching over us from Heaven and happy to see me laughing and playing with this beautiful new filly, so full of life and new hope...  And I will always believe in my heart that Mirabella is Willow's gift to me... yes, one of her many many gifts to me.  Thank you, my beauty... thank you for Mirabella, and thank you for spring... ♥


Princess Mirabella is being being delivered tomorrow...

 (thank you to Alise for taking and sharing this photo...)

March 19, 2013

The Prince is Lonely


The Prince misses Willow too... He stays close to her stall, occasionally still looking inside for her. But when I come out, he tries to find ways to make me laugh... he is so goofy and a big love.  We don't want him to be alone though...  he needs a pasture mate.... it would probably be best for us to put him with Charlie.   We definitely cannot put the three of them together, as Charlie gets very dominant and possessive of Paloma.... We've been wanting to separate Charlie and Paloma for a while... but then Paloma will need a pasture mate...  In any case, he's filthy here, and still has no real name, but he's just such a cutie... you can't help but smile when he's near you. ♥

March 18, 2013

Weeping Willow - a gift from Michael


Michael disappeared for over three hours the other morning... I had no idea what he was up to, but he returned with a very beautiful gift for me...  a Weeping Willow tree.  He planted it in our backyard near the barn, and I can see Willow's stall from where he put it.  This was the sweetest gift he has ever given me... and it made me cry.

The next day, they delivered Willow's ashes to me along with a certificate and a lock of her mane. They came in a pretty box with her name engraved on it... and also inside was a little bag with the plate and screws from her broken leg surgery.... It was so hard for me to accept these things. How I wished that surgery had worked... how I wish this was all a nightmare and that Willow was still here with me...

I think I will bury her ashes under the Weeping Willow, and then we'll plant some flowers that will bloom every spring.  I can't believe it's almost spring.... it doesn't feel like spring to me...

March 12, 2013

No Ordinary Rainbow

It rained, and I cried... all day long yesterday.  I started to read through some of the many beautiful emails and comments I've been receiving.  Beautiful poems, stories and verses- many in attempt to answer my question about horses going to Heaven.  People have told me to look for a sign from Willow...  some promised that I would see a sign... or feel her with me somehow.

In the morning, after the kids left for school, I immediately broke down and cried.  I went out to see The Prince and hug on him for a while... and then I walked in the rain to see Paloma and Charlie who were extra sweet to me. When I returned, I went into Willow's stall and sat down on the straw and cried some more.  I tried so hard to quiet my tears because maybe if I was quiet enough it would happen... I would hear her or see some sort of sign.  I waited and waited... but nothing.  I imagined the sky getting bright and looking up to see a rainbow. The clouds would clear, the sun would shine, and a beautiful rainbow would appear.  How I wished I'd see a rainbow... what a beautiful sign that would be.  So all day long, it continued to rain, and I kept looking for rainbows.  I must have gone outside fifty times to look for a rainbow in the sky, but the sky remained gray.  As darkness fell, I was so disappointed.  But then it occurred to me that maybe I would dream about Willow.  Maybe Willow would visit me in my dreams...

When I woke up, I was fine for a moment... but then it hit me.  I remembered my sadness and realized that Willow was gone- and that I didn't have any dreams about her during the night... and I cried.  I texted Martha, "The mornings are so hard.  I wake up and cry when I realize she is gone."   

So I pulled myself together, put on a pot of coffee, and got the kids off to school.  When I returned to my bedroom, I picked up my phone and saw that I had missed Martha's return text:  "Look at the sunrise. From where I am, every cloud has a rainbow edge."   So I jumped up and ran to the window... only to find some pretty clouds behind the hills but nothing with rainbow edges.  I was so upset that I'd missed it.  But the clouds were so pretty and I thought I'd take a photo to show Martha what I was seeing.  When I looked at the photo on my cell phone... this is what I saw:


It wasn't there before... I couldn't see it with my eyes... yet it somehow appeared in the photo. So I snapped again and again... and it kept appearing... a reflection of the heavens with a shape in the middle... the shape of a horse's head.  And it was right over her pasture!


I kept snapping, and it kept evolving... but it was still there... I asked myself was it really a horse head or was it me just wanting it to be?  But then I saw this...


The sun rays brighter now, and to the left of the horse head shape was what looked like a horse! Do you see it?? the ears, the eyes, the nose... the feet...  My heart was racing... So I kept snapping...


And here I see what looks to me almost like a horse leaping toward the sun...  could this be Willow's spirit?  Something told me to go out to the barn... hurry, go out to the barn!  So I did...


This is the first photo I took...  the beautiful sunrays... but when I looked at my phone camera, I noticed the tiny white flare... right next to Willow's stall window!!!  It was cold outside, and I wasn't wearing a coat.  Satisfied with my miracle, heart still racing, I headed back toward the house.  But something called to me... "Go to her stall..."  And as I passed Michael on his way out to feed the other horses, I turned around, "I have to go to Willow's stall!" I cried... and I ran as fast as I could.


And this is what I saw...   and the little white flare was there...  right where the sign that reads "Faith" is hanging on her stall door...  Then something in my heart said, "Open the door..."


When I opened the door, the sun beams were so bright and I felt their warmth.  The hazy sun rays flooded her stall...  And when I looked at the photo I had taken, I could see a rainbow flare like a halo all around the sun rays.  I could still see the little white flare, but there was a pink glow around it now, and I knew it had to be Willow's spirit.. moving ever closer to the sun and resting in the exact spot where we found her late that last night.  It has been so hard for me.. that memory of her there where she looked so uncomfortable.  But suddenly it was so beautiful... and I could feel her there.  And I knew for sure that this was my sign....


I snapped one last photo of the sun on my way back to the house.  And look who followed me...  on her way back up to Heaven.  I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that horses do go to Heaven... and that some lucky Angel will be riding on Willow until I am with her again.  And that until then, she will be with me, in my heart and by my side for always.  Thank you sweet Willow... thank you dear God.... Thank you for this sign.... this miracle... it was so so much better than any ordinary rainbow. ♥


March 11, 2013

Tea with the Queen



It has been 24 hours since Willow died.  I have cried more than I have slept... but I need to document some of what has happened...

Martha did as I asked. I am so grateful to her... This was her text to me...

"I hugged her, kissed her and scratched her under her mane.  She is free now.  Forever safe where there is no pain, no cruelty, and no suffering..."

And she sent me a photo of Willow with the 4 braids I asked her to put in her mane....  I asked her only after Willow was gone to please cut off the three braids so I could keep them to remember her by... but to leave her one to take with her... from me.  I made her promise not to cut any of her mane until she was gone... (I just kept remembering the only scene that stuck with me from "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"... when they cut the lion's mane off... that always broke my heart....)

My friend Brenna came over to watch the kids, as I was hysterical... and she comforted me until Michael got home.  He was devastated...  he said the moment he saw her x-ray up on the screen and the looks on the faces of everyone in the clinic, he knew...and it broke his heart.  I've never seen him cry like that before...

She was gone.  Willow was gone. How can this be?  No..... no..... I just couldn't stop my tears.... I still can't.  The pain is unbearable.

I have received thousands of well wishes...  poems, personal stories, drawings, and bible verses. Thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart.... As much I as know that Willow's soul was pure, it has been so beautiful to witness the beauty of so many human souls.  In this crazy, desensitized world, beauty and love lives on...  and that comforts me.  And I received several emails and even photos from those who were inspired by our story to rescue a horse in need.  That alone makes my pain worthwhile...  It helps so much to know that even though our journey didn't end how I'd dreamed, I will always know that other horses have beautiful new beginnings...

Someone commented that Willow was "just a horse".   Well, she wasn't just a horse... she wasn't a pet... she was Velvet Willow, and she was my mine.  She was... no, she is my soulmate.  I know some people cannot understand...  but Willow was so much more than a beloved horse.  She was divine.  She was faith, she was hope, she was courage, she was beauty.  Yes, I took care of her... we all took care of her.  But she took care of me.  She was so strong, so regal, so tender and affectionate and gentle with me.  She would look at me for the longest time with those big brown, beautiful eyes... as if she was looking straight into my soul.  And I would see myself in her eyes...   she'd stand so close to me and move her head near me so slowly, so deliberately.  And when I hugged her, she hugged me back.  The feeling of her resting over my shoulder, trusting me and revealing her soul to me...  I cannot describe the beautiful feeling that would wash over me.  I loved the way her fur smelled... God, please don't ever let me forget the way she smelled.... or the warmth of her fur, or the comfort of her mane...  

I didn't take many calls that day, but I knew there were two people that I had to get ahold of.... Nancy and Leah.  I left messages for them both....

It is a miracle that I ever even found Nancy, and I'm so grateful for her support and love for both me and Willow (her Leona C.) throughout this journey. Nancy wrote to me:  Dearest Shana, I have been out of town and just returned to the heart breaking news of Willow. I would call, but I would cause you more pain by adding my pain to yours. As heart shattering as this is, I am trying to think of the positive...a wonderful horse named Willow taught me that. The Queen reigns on most high now. She is wonderfully whole again. That lofty, suspended trot is flying on angel wings. She has NO pain, she has no worried look in her eyes. Her head is held higher than ever...she is happy and free of all the pain her past life gave her. One day, I hope a very long time from now, we all will see her again. And when we see her in the greener pastures, do you know who she is going to run to? It won't be Anita, who raised her, it won't me who proudly rode her and raised Ster babies from her, and it certainly will not be the wicked people who caused her so much suffering. When we see her, it will be YOU, Shana, that she runs to. You, the loving soul that brought her back from misery, You that loved her back to cantering across the fields with her head held high. YOU, you, you......her love, her salvation. She is waiting to see you again one day. Until then, rest assured heaven knows, the Queen has ARRIVED. She is gone from your touch but NEVER your heart. I love you and I will talk, when we both are able.

I am also so grateful to Leah who took Willow and the other abandoned, starving horses in and cared for them as she found them homes.  I cried to Leah for a long while on the phone. As I cried and we remembered together all that was beautiful about Willow, Leah promised me that Willow and I were soul mates and that our souls would be together forever.  We talked about how though Willow was so stoic, some might describe her as "aloof" always holding her head up so high, that Willow would lower her head to me... she was so different with me, so affectionate- almost as if she was loving me like I was her foal.  It is true... I never regarded her as my baby... but rather, it was like she was taking care of me.  She was a good mother to the four babies I now know she had, and I think I experienced some of that nurturing love from her too.  And Leah reminded me of the day I first came to her farm to meet Willow.....  As I went to leave, she lowered her head and nuzzled my chest... right over my heart.  I'm so glad Leah reminded me of that moment.  Near the end of our conversation, I told Leah that I doubted I could ever connect with or love a horse this deeply again... that no other horses would ever be like Willow... what would I do without her?  What do I do now, I asked her...  Everything we did for her... all my hope wrapped up in her and wanting to see her whole, healthy and happy by Spring... and knowing now that I'd never be able to put those flowers in her mane....and why did I have such a short time with her... it was too short... Then Leah stopped me. "Shana, listen to me and think before you answer this question.  Shana, even though your pain is unbearable... and you only had a short time with Willow on earth, and even though it ended this way...  was it worth it?"   And without thinking, I answered, "Yes!  Yes it was...  I feel like I got to have tea with the Queen."     And indeed, I did.  I am SO so lucky....



March 10, 2013

BROKEN

The plate in Willow's leg is broken... she has a high fever, she is suffering....   I can't believe they are telling me they have to put her down!!!  Noooo.... NOOOOOO.... this can't end this way....  I can barely type through my tears... She's broken, I'm broken...  it should not end this way. This was supposed to be a beautiful story with a beautiful ending.  Spring isn't here, this can't happen now.... I pleaded with Dr. Ruggles, but they all agree that this is the humane thing to do. Nothing can be done for her... her elbow is shattered now... she wouldn't survive months being hoisted in a sling... she is even in too much pain to wait for me to get there... I can't even say goodbye!!!    They have her sedated now but she is still alive... please pray for her... please pray that she goes peacefully and that she KNOWS I love her and didn't send her away...

Martha called... "Do you want her tail, Shana?"   Do I want her tail??  Omg...  and do I want her to be cremated??  How can I survive this...  I need her.  I still need you, Willow.   Things are always supposed to end on a good note with horses right, not like this.. not in pain, not in sorrow... I don't want my last memory of her to be her leaving in me a trailer through my tears...

Martha will stay with her the whole time...  Michael is already on his way home... he was crying too. I asked Martha to please put those three little braids in her mane for me... She needs her three little braids...  To hug her like I did, to kiss on her the right side of her neck... to scratch her under her mane on the left side.... to kiss her on the cheek.  Then Martha held the phone so I could talk to her...  I tried so hard to be strong for her and not to cry... just for a minute...

"Willow....   my beauty.   Please know I love you.  I love you so much.  Thank you for loving me and for teaching me and trusting me.  I am so sorry it is ending this way... I know you are in pain, and I so wanted to walk in the sunshine with you this Spring.  But in Heaven, it's always Springtime... and you won't hurt any more.  Please, please wait for me in Heaven.  And until I get there, please continue to watch over me, because I need you to be my Angel....   I love you so much...  I love you, Willow..."

I just could not utter the words, "Good bye".  God, will I really see her again? I promised her I would...  Please tell me horses go to Heaven...

I am heartbroken.   I am broken.  I am broken.




Willow Update

I have received countless emails and messages from people who were concerned over my lack of updates in the last two days.  I reminded myself that while I am not writing about this journey for others, Willow has captured the hearts of people all over the world.... people that have prayed for her... for me.  People that have offered me support, guidance, advice, and love... people that have lifted my spirits and deepened my faith in humanity.  We've received gifts in the mail from people we've never met... gourmet pears & apples for Willow, a special charm for her halter...  and emails from people who have been inspired to rescue a horse or donate to horse rescue organizations. So, this isn't just about my feelings anymore.  This is about Willow's life.  And it's too important not to share...   

The past 36 hours have been terrifying....

This journey with Willow has always had it's ups and downs, but nothing like the rollercoaster ride we've experienced since she broker her leg.  I can't seem to stop the tears, so I'm just going to write without editing... I just need to write what I"m feeling.

It still shocks me so much that this has happened.  I bought a horse who had been neglected and abandonded and rescued from a terrible place.  She still needed to gain 350 pounds... she had choking issues, ulcers, and was then diagnosed with active EPM.  She is a picky eater, so trying to get her to eat while treating the ulcers and trying to prevent her choking was especially challenging.  She was choking nearly every day at one point... struggling so hard to swallow... but after two months at Martha's farm, it was time for Willow to come home.  She was eating hay, grass, and nearly 8 scoops of special, organic grain and she was finally gaining weight.  Once here, she stopped choking and gained even more weight.  Martha, Michael, Leah, Dr. Kimmons... all of us were overjoyed and amazed at how well she was doing.  I remember specifically one day, as we watched her in the pasture, discussing how she almost looked like a normal, healthy horse..... almost.   And then, the unthinkable happened.   But after coming this far with her, and after falling so deeply in love with her, there was NO way I was going to let a broken leg take her from me.  And I could see in her eyes that she had the will and the strength to survive.  Even on the trailer, shaking in pain, she held her head up high.... her eyes round and bright.  Her surgery at Rood & Riddle was a success, and eight days later Michael drove up to Kentucky to pick her up just to find that she was choking when he arrived.  They had her sedated and scoped but were unable to find anything treatable.  So they kept her overnight, and Michael stayed in a hotel.  The next morning,  Willow came home to what we expected to be an uneventful 8 weeks of recovery and rest in her stall....  We found out that Willow wasn't finishing her food at Rood & Riddle- that and the fact that she choked led us to believe that the EPM was causing her trouble again (since they took her off those meds as to not interfere with others).   She was on Bute for pain, ulcer medication (because Bute irritates ulcers), and then after a few days went back on the EPM medicine.  When she arrived home, we noticed that she wasn't eating much and that shifted her front feet back and forth a lot... and that just got worse and worse.  Dr. Kimmons took x-rays of her feet, her pulse, etc. was normal, so he didn't think it was Laminitis.  Perhaps the ulcers were causing her so much pain that she didn't want to eat either. She has been under our care, as well as Martha's and that of Dr. Kimmons who has been consulting with Dr. Ruggles of Rood & Riddle daily.  We just needed her to eat... so we switched her from Bute to a less irritating pain medication.. but after a couple days, her left front foot got warmer than the others, and she still wasn't eating much. She became increasingly unstable in her back end and struggled to walk.  Martha treated her with Myofascial therapy, Dr. Kimmons is here all the time too, and we even built her an outside stall so she could connect with the earth, feel the sun, and graze on the grass.  Still, she got worse. We've been flooding her with probiotics as well, but since she's barely eating grain, she hasn't been ingesting the special oils, vitamin E, or other supplements that she needs.  She seemed to be drinking less water, so we worried about dehydration on top of everything else.  Saturday morning, our team had a meeting here. Dr. Kimmons, Martha, etc.  We decided to put her back on Bute (because of the warm foot and the fact that she didn't eat even off Bute).  And we added another ulcer medication.  We wrote out a new schedule and assigned responsibilities... and everyone felt so good about our plan. I asked Dr. Kimmons point blank if he had seen horses worse off than Willow survive, and he said that he had... and that we weren't at a critical point yet. Martha felt especially happy about our new plan, and we even found a nurse to come check on Willow and administer IV meds each night (Martha would still do it in the mornings).  Yesterday went reasonably well, and we were feeling more hopeful.  But as the day went on, Willow got more an more wobbly... she really could barely walk.   And last night, when we went to check her at 9pm, we found her laying down to close to her back stall door... her neck was up against the wall, and she looked incredibly uncomfortable. Did she lay down in the wrong place?  Oh my gosh, did she fall???   It was obvious that she was cast in her stall and couldn't get up.  Michael wanted me to help him push her up...  I decided that we needed to open that back door so she would have more room to get up.  We tried to straighten out her feet and then we pushed and although she nearly fell on me at one point, we got her up.  She wasn't right... she was all tucked under in the back end... she was wobbly...  shaking.   I was so worried it would happen again.   We checked on her every couple of hours... and by 4am she was still shaky and hadn't eaten a bite.   Michael and I couldn't sleep...  just wondering what this was all about... why is she getting worse?  Why is she not eating??  But in the morning, Michael found her sleeping in her stall, and her bowl was empty!!  Maybe the new ulcer meds were working?  Did we just turn a corner?  When I got out there with her morning carrots (the only thing she usually seems excited about eating), she was ravenous.  But something was wrong.  Her leg (the one she had broken) was twitching... swollen and warm.  When Martha arrived at 8am, she could also see that something had gone terribly wrong.   We got her to walk, and we noticed that Willow could not longer bear weight on that front right leg.  Her gums were lighter, and we worried that she was on her way to dehydration.  Martha told me that it was time to get her into Dr. Kiimmon's clinic.  She needs fluids and x-rays of her leg.   And then who knows what she will need next...

So I cried as I watched Willow leave in the trailer once more.   And now, things are critical.

She will come back, right?  God, please let her come back.  It just can't end this way...  Spring is almost here.  The rich grass will start sprouting soon, and Willow can gain all her weight and strength back.  She can be whole again... and she can hold her head up high and walk in the sunshine once more.  She is my Black Beauty... please let this end like Black Beauty... please bring her back to me so she can live the rest of her life in happiness...  She has been through so much.  Too much.

Willow, please make it back to me...

March 8, 2013

Scary morning...

The most beautiful sight in the world to me right now is seeing Willow back on her feet....

Michael checked on Willow at midnight, and she seemed the same... up on her feet but she hadn't eaten anything.  Of course, we were worried... but nothing like how I felt to find Willow flat on the ground, eyes half open, and breathing very hard.  We were both very worried since we'd never seen her like that before...

She wouldn't get up, and she refused carrots (which really isn't like her).  I called Martha, both vets, and then tried all my friends who know a lot about horses... but it was before 7am, and no one answered... I felt so helpless and scared.  Could it be colic, laminitis, pneumonia, what?

Thankfully Martha came over quickly... and Willow got up shortly before she arrived.  We are thinking she must have been in a very deep sleep to have such labored breathing and hope that's what it was.  She lays down a lot, and for extended periods of time. But she is healing and still in pain, so she must need that right now.

Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons do not think her x-rays show founder, but Martha is still concerned this may be the start of laminitis.   Dr. Hawthorne will probably come by later to see her... maybe some accupuncture, etc.

There just isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sweet horse.  She's a fighter, a beauty, and a queen... and probably the smartest horse in the world.  As we stood with Willow, I told Martha that I think a lot about sappy horse movies... you know the kind-  the horse is dying on the barn floor, and people almost give up hope, and then all of a sudden the horse leaps up, shakes her head and everything is better? That is what I want to see happen here...  So, Martha and I prayed together with Willow, and we talked to her.  We talked about wanting her to eat and drink water (as she seemed a bit dehydrated).  And Willow looked at us.  Then she walked over to her hay and had a bite....  then she ate a bit of grain.  Then she splashed and drank some of her water... and then she even licked her mineral salt block, and she looked at us again.... as if to say, "There! And even though you forgot to mention it, I licked some salt too!"   ♥   

Willow.  She is a miracle, I just know it....

March 7, 2013

X-ray results

Quick update... Dr. Kimmons examined her and took x-rays of her feet... he said at this time he can't see a clear cut case of laminitis, but he sent the x-rays to Rood & Riddle so they could compare the ones they took to these. We should know for sure in the morning. Dr. Kimmons also gave her a vitamin, immunity and appetite booster shot.  Hope it works....

Vet on the way...

Dr. Kimmons is on his way here again... Willow is not doing well.  She is in so much pain. When she's not laying down, she just shifts her feet back and forth...  we have her back in her stall with extra padding, and her padded soft boots on, but Martha fears she has laminitis...  

Should know more soon...    I'm so cold and so tired and so sad... 

Not eating...

I love this photo of Dr. Kimmons and Willow...  ♥

He says her incision looks great and was able to take her bandage off and staples out yesterday... 

Unfortunately, Willow didn't eat again last night.  Michael built a small pen for her out on the grass so she can touch the earth and feel the sun and graze a bit.  She has grain and hay out there also. But she still isn't eating.  She will eat carrots from my hand and that's it.  I wonder if she is associating her grain (that she usually loves) with the bad taste of her medicines or something...  I think at this point I'm willing to temporarily switch her grain to the very best tasting most craved grain on the market (not sure what that is), just to get her to eat. 

Going to check on her again now...

March 6, 2013

Willow Update


My beautiful Willow just one day before she broke her leg...  I remember watching her with a huge smile on my face... thinking how amazing she looked and how far she had come. We finally seemed to be beyond the daily choking struggles, and her weight gain was so noticeable.  I still cannot believe this has happened...

So today Willow is much brighter than yesterday.  She is still laying down a lot, but I think she just needs to get off her feet and rest.  She is eating better (still not enough), and she just seems more alert and in less pain. 

Dr. Kimmons and Martha came this morning to check on Willow, give Charlie & Paloma their shots/coggins and to meet the Gypsy Prince.  We still haven't named him, but that's what the kids have been calling him.  As usual, Willow was an excellent patient.  The Prince, however, was quite naughty and really went a little crazy... nearly knocking Dr. Kimmons & assistant over...  Martha got tough (she's so brave) with him, and then he settled down.  We just don't know enough about his history before his last owner (who only had him a year) to know what he's been through. But we've heard that quite possibly a man had been too rough with him (so sad to hear that).  He's really a sweet boy...

So the plan is for Willow to receive all her meds (except the EPM, probiotics, oils, supplements, etc.) through injection as to not ruin her appetite.  So far, it seems to be helping... we'll see.  In any case, she is just so much better, and I truly appreciate all of the kind words, support, love prayers.   I just know that Willow is a very special horse... not because she's a Friesian or a rescue... and not because she is drop dead gorgeous (because she is)... :)   But I just know there is a greater purpose for her....  her life and struggles and our journey together.  I'm not one to believe in fate or destiny, yet this journey seems somehow that it was meant to be. 

The question remains, though... why?

March 5, 2013

Downhill part II

There is something about seeing Willow flat on the ground that hurts my heart.  I try to not let fear in, but there's this little voice saying, "What if she never gets up?"   She has been down for over 40 minutes now.  And it's the 2nd time I've seen her lay down today....

Martha came by and gave her a shot of Banamine for the pain.  We aren't going to give her Bute or Gastro-Guard orally any more.  We suspect the bitter taste is ruining her appetite.  Dr. Ruggles from Rood & Riddle also suggested more probiotics... so we gave her some of that too.  I was able to get her to eat two apples, two carrots, 1/2 a scoop of grain, and one peppermint.  Sounds like a lot, but considering she usually eats 8 scoops of grain plus lots of hay each day, it's really not all that much. 

She's just so thin and frail... and it seems that all of her legs are hurting her from trying to compensate for the leg she broke.  She just really needs to eat...  she doesn't have much extra fat or muscle left to waste... 

I've been out with her in the barn all day.  I try to distract her by grooming her and just looking into her deep eyes and talking to her. I stand so close to her, and when I hug her, she rests her whole head and neck over my shoulder.  Today she felt twice as heavy as she usually does. 

I'm off to the barn to check on her again...  

Downhill...

Willow is not eating.  She's so thin... and in so much pain.  My heart is breaking...  This image doesn't even show how awful she looks.  Martha says she feels like we are back where we started, but I fear it's worse than that.  With a broken leg and 8 weeks of stall recovery, we have even more obstacles to overcome.  They told me she wasn't eating all her food at the hospital, and since her last choking episodes, her appetite has decreased more and more.  Last night, she didn't touch her grain or her hay. 

We know that Willow does not like medicine.  She hates the Gastro-Guard (which she needs for her ulcers) and she doesn't care for the Bute either... but she needs it for her pain.  And she is in so much pain.  She is constantly shifting front feet, pawing at the ground (seeing that breaks my heart more than anything), and bending her front legs because she just can't get comfortable.  She no longer holds her head up high, but hangs it low most of the time.  And for the first time ever, Willow has worried eyes...  I've always been amazed that she doesn't have them, but now above her eyes is furrowed... and she looks worried and stressed.

I called Martha in tears this morning... she called Dr. Ruggles and Dr. Kimmons.  We are making a plan of what to do.  Right now, I'm going back out to the barn to be with Willow.  It's raining and gloomy outside. And the classical music in the barn makes me cry. 

I'm taking chopped apples, carrots and even Willow's favorite peppermints....  

Please God, give her comfort and bring back her will....

March 3, 2013

Her new admirer...

He's just the sweetest thing.  He just hangs his head over the door and admirers her.  Willow pins her ears or even pretends to try to bite him, but he doesn't even flinch.  It's like he's telling her, "Hey... I'm here to stay... you know you want me to, so don't fight it."  lol...   And it's true, when we take him away to groom him or let the kids ride him, she whinnies and calls out to him... and then she greets him when he returns.  I guess she thinks she just needs to constantly remind him that she is the queen.  He's pretty passive and doesn't mine her being queen, so that is good.  I'm with her, though... wondering if he doesn't speak "horse"...  because if she pinned her ears like that at me (or tried to bite me), I'd surely run away as she commanded.   Maybe somehow she respects the fact that he seems to love her no matter what?  So so cute!

March 2, 2013

Day 2 - going a bit better

Willow was not well at all this morning...  but Martha came over and treated her while I groomed her.   Since then, she has been eating better and seems to be doing much better.  And the best news is that when Michael took the new guy (still needs a name) from the stall next to her, Willow whinnied as he walked out. Then we he returned, she greeted him!  Martha says she likes him, so that makes me VERY happy.  I'm so happy she has him... especially during the long nights in her stall.  More tomorrow... :)

March 1, 2013

Home (part 2)

Snowing, dark, and so cold.... I just came in from the barn.  Willow choked tonight. :(

First day home, and this makes two days in a row.  And it seemed worse than ever.... her throat was so noisy.  As I hugged her and tried to help her, I could feel her throat muscles contracting almost constantly.  She was really struggling for about an hour.

My hands are so cold, but they smell like her. I love the way she smells. I've missed burying my head in her neck and mane and just smelling her soft fur.  I'm so emotional right now...

What is it about comforting her that comforts me so much?   When she struggles, I hug her and try to gently massage her neck, and she relaxes into me and completely drapes her head over my shoulder.  I love when she does that... it's like she completely trusts me... and for those moments I forget that she's 1000 pounds, because she feels light as a feather and I feel so safe.

Martha will call the Dr. tomorrow and likely come over to see what she can do...   My sweet Willow has been through so much.  I just wish she was at least comfortable now...

Home (part one)

I was so excited when I saw the trailer coming down our long driveway, and as Michael opened the door, Willow couldn't yet see me... but I could see her stretching her head up when she heard my voice.  I think she could tell how excited I was to see her again.

She arrived with her bandaged leg and soft boots on her front feet, and we slowly led her to her stall which we had heavily padded with warm, dry straw.  It was snowing outside, and in all my excitement, I'd forgotten to put on my coat.  But I wasn't cold. ♥

Willow reacquainted herself with her stall, but not before noticing her handsome new pasture mate who was intently looking at her from the main pasture behind the barn. We had closed the gate to the round pen which is attached to the barn... so there was a good 60 feet between them.  We decided to take baby steps with their introduction.

I know being on stall rest for the first 8 weeks of her recovery will be very hard for Willow, and it breaks my heart.  She is not used to being locked in her stall.  She comes and goes as she pleases, and she likes it that way.   She was frustrated that the bottom half of her outside door was shut... she pawed at the door, and that broke my heart.  I wish I knew for sure that she understood why this must be.

So after a few hours, we let the new guy (still deciding on a name) into the round pen so they could be a little closer to each other. We kept his stall door completely closed so he couldn't get in (it's right next to hers with a 5 foot wall separation).  He immediately came toward her and put his head in side her stall...  well of course she gave him "the look" and pinned her ears like only she can.  Most horses would have retreated, but he just looked at her and didn't move.  She tried a couple more times but to no avail.  The she did it...  she turned around and put her rear toward him (which in horse language means, MOVE or I will KICK you!!).  Well, instead of moving, he rested his head on her rear!!! I  could NOT believe it..... but look!!   OH my goodness, he is SO sweet and cute.  Willow just looked at me, like "What?? Who is this guy, and he doesn't speak horse or what?"  lol!!  And you know what? She never did try to kick him ♥


(pardon the terrible photo... I was laughing too hard while trying to capture this moment!)

She's coming home!

After recovering another night at Rood & Riddle, Willow is actually in the trailer and on her way home!  Michael had to spend the night at a hotel in Lexington, but picked her up early this morning (so grateful)! 

The doctors were not able to find anything treatable regarding Willow's choking episodes.  Her choking is different than what most people know as the condition called "Choke".   Many have suggested wetting her food, beet pulp, etc... but with her she actually chokes more on that (and must know it because she usually refuses to eat it)...   We honestly feel that the choking has to do with muscles and/or nerves in her throat being affected by the EPM.  The doctors had taken her off her EPM medicine to avoid drug interactions during/after her surgery.  So hopefully once she goes back on them in a week, her EPM will continue to getter better and we can resolve her choking issues.

In any case, Willow is coming home!  It's going to be a lot of work, but I can't wait to see her!! ♥  Thanks to everyone again for all the kind words, well wishes and prayer!  I will update tonight once she's had a chance to settle in and meet her new friend (from afar of course)!

Oh, and it's snowing here!!! ♥