Discouraged...

Like everyone else, I have loved and I have lost.  But it seems that the times I have loved the hardest- the times that I loved without reservation- were the times that I always lost.  And that has scared me. I think I am almost afraid to fully love... to give 100% of myself.  It's so risky, and it makes me too vulnerable.  So I protect myself by holding back... or by building a wall around my heart... or by burying myself in my work to distract me from any true depth of feeling.

How fast and hard I have fallen in love with Willow has surprised me.  I felt almost an instant connection with her... I feel like I know her soul and her heart.  She is the quiet and the gentle that I need.  And when I am with her, everything else fades away.  She makes me want to be better... more loving, more patient, more trusting, less fearful.... more faithful.  I have believed Martha when she has told me that Willow will get better... that she will be whole and healthy again one day. That she will feel better in the spring, and that I will start riding her in the summer...    I dream of putting blossoms in her mane and riding her on the trails along the river on sunny days...

Last night I spoke with someone who really knows Friesians... I was so happy to learn that she was able to rescue one of the others that was abandoned with Willow.  She told me that she visited that awful place about a year ago.  She said there were 70 horses there, and that there was one person left behind to try to care for them.  She, however, wasn't doing a good job.  The horses were fighting and breeding in the fields... they were thin and dirty.  There wasn't enough clean water... the situation was bad even back then.  She remembered seeing Willow there.  I think she told me what she did in hopes of protecting me somehow...  but she told me that she doubted that Willow would ever get her muscle back... that she had lost her stifles and would likely never be sound enough for me to ride again.  And she also told me that most Friesians don't live very long lives... even the healthy ones don't.  Was she trying to warn me that Willow didn't have much longer to live?  

And then I felt it.  I actually felt my heart starting to close up...   I am so so afraid of losing her.  Was I so caught up in all of this that I haven't yet realized that I could lose her?  Or that I will lose her one day... ? 

I recognize that I feel the desperate need to protect myself...  and I don't like it.

Willow's choking and swallowing problems seem to have gotten worse since we started her on the EPM medicine, and I have been hearing more and more stories of horses that haven't survived EPM... especially when they have had it as long as Willow has likely been affected.  The starvation, the EPM, and the paralysis that causes the choking... Is it just too much?  I don't know...  I don't know.  But I know I love her...

I am just feeling so discouraged.  Afraid... and so so sad... 

Martha cried...

While getting ready to go visit Willow, I got a call from Martha... "Shana, she's choking.  I'm out in the pasture with her...".  So I jumped in the car and headed out there.  My mind and heart were heavy already.... as I had just heard from Nancy (one of Willow's previous owners).  I didn't want Nancy to hear of Willow's EPM diagnosis elsewhere so I had written to inform her.  Upon hearing the news, she wrote back:

"That is what Aileen died of... she was the other mare that was with Leona, Stryder and Veritas. .... Thank God, you have her and are giving her such wonderful care...I just know this will be another hurdle, but your love, prayers and wonderful care will bring her through this. .... I just KNOW Willow is going to be fine...she has endured to much and now her guardian angel has saved her and she will be with you for a good long time. I do thank you for letting me know...God Bless you..."

Aileen?  Another mare?  EPM?  Died?  

Nancy shared the entire story she had heard from her old vet... and then Nancy told me more.   I just pray that God heals Nancy's broken heart.  None of this is her fault...

When I got to Martha's farm, I found her with Willow in her pasture.  She had a damp, white towel on her arm and she was working on Willow's throat...  trying to help her swallow the food she was choking on.  I always have to  remind myself that horses can still breathe when they are choking, and I have to try to make myself calm down because I still get so upset to see Willow struggling.  As Martha worked, I attempted to comfort Willow by rubbing her and telling her softly how much I love her. As she struggled, and coughed grass colored saliva, Martha carefully took the white towel from her right arm and sweetly wiped Willow's nose and mouth.  This touched me so much.  She did this in the same loving way you would wipe your fever stricken child's forehead...  I would have told Martha how much that meant to me (and how it will likely always stay with me) if I could have spoken without crying.  I was trying so hard not to cry for Willow...

Willow & Martha

Willow started feeling better sooner than normal.  I hope that her episodes continue that trend.  But we stayed with her for a while longer, and I told Martha about my conversation with Nancy.  I was still in shock myself, but when Martha heard there had been another starving mare with Willow abandoned at that old farm;  that sadly, she didn't make it... that she had EPM and that she had died before the horses were rescued, Martha looked up at me.  And she cried.

Martha is so strong, and I know it takes a lot to make her cry.  I think she was crying for Willow.  The other mare, Aileen, had probably been Willow's mate.  Martha told me that this may have had a profound impact on Willow...  and that because Willow couldn't speak, who knows the pain and sickness that manifested...  Then I remembered something Martha had told me weeks ago... "We are not bodies with souls.... We are souls with bodies.  Long ago, before Adam and Eve, I believe animals could speak to people...  but then their voices were taken away.  I believe animals go to heaven and that they have souls.  I believe Willow has something to say, and you need to learn to hear her..."   

How I wish I could hear her....

Diagnosis...

Martha called today... she said she had just heard some news from Dr. Hawthorne.  Willow tested positive for EPM.  Equine protozoal myeloencephalitis is debilitating disease cause by a protozoal infection of the central nervous system of horses. This would explain Willow's severe muscle loss and atrophy (which was worsened by her neglect) and probably other issues she has as well... maybe even her choking.  She has already started treatment which will last for 3 months.  She will also be supplemented with Vitamin E and Selenium (in addition to everything else we have her on).  The accupuncture and Myofascial therapy should help too.  We are avoiding the most aggressive treatments at this time, simply because Willow is so frail, and her immune system so weak.  Martha, Dr. Hawthorne, and Dr. Kimmons all remain hopeful that Willow can recover from this... that next year, she will be a different horse (to which I always say, I don't want a different horse... just a healthy one). ♥

The good news is, though it appears she has had EPM for a long time, Willow has soft, kind, bright eyes. Miraculously, she isn't spooky or distant like so many affected horses are. Yes, she is a sweetheart, but she is also a fighter... ♥