Willow Update

Willow comes home in a week!  I've been so busy trying to finish personal and work projects...  I almost feel like I'm nesting. :) 

It has been six days since any of us have witnessed Willow struggle to swallow or choke at all.  It doesn't mean she hasn't, but Martha feels so optimistic that we haven't seen it.  I must admit, so do I.  Maybe the EPM medicine is kicking in, and the choking is getting better because it was EPM related... we just don't know.  We do know that she never had EPM or swallowing issues when Nancy owned her, so somehow the choking developed over the last four years.  Of course now we know she has EPM, ulcers and of course the starvation & muscle wasting (from the EPM) too.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this before... maybe because it's too painful to even think of for me.  But once someone asked the farmhand at that awful dressage trainer's farm what they would do when Willow would choke... how they would handle it.  Their reply:  "We punch her in the throat."   I think part of my heart died when I heard that... and I feel sick thinking about it.  Sick. And so so sad.  It's a miracle Willow even lets us near her now when she is struggling...  amazing that she trusts us and lets us gently massage her throat and hug her and sing to her during these times.  Punch her throat?  That kills me... :(

Another thing we learned was that Willow was found in a tiny paddock far away from the herd that was left to fight and mate freely in the field.  It's probably a good thing that she didn't have to fight for the little food or water that she had.   We are thinking that is why Willow doesn't seem to bond with any of the other horses and seems to want none of them anywhere around her (or me).  For that reason, we have decided that in the interest of keeping her stress level at a minimum, we are going to keep Paloma and Charlie in a separate pasture / barn for now.  Willow will have her stall, dry lot and large pasture and can come and go freely.  And I think I might set up a table and in the stall next to hers which opens to her pasture.  I can bring my laptop and work out there sometimes in between feedings and hug time. And when I'm in the house I will still be able to see her from the windows or the balcony off of my office.  ♥  I just wish it were already spring.

I will be feeding Willow four times a day and administering medicine and/or supplements twice a day for now.  It's going to be a lot of work for me, but hey... I get to spend more time with my girl, and that's a good thing.

I pray that the EPM goes away as it should... and that the choking was somehow caused by it and goes away too.  That I can nourish her back to a weight good enough that I can start doing hill work with her to help build back all the muscle she has lost. And mostly, I pray that she will be happy and feel safe here.  I am scared and excited at the same time...   but I know in my heart that I can do this. ♥

Peek-a-boo!

I love Abigail.  She is such a sweetie... She loves to play peek-a-boo!

Dreamer

I get so happy in the car on the way to see Willow at Martha's farm. It's a beautiful drive through the countryside, and the anticipation always gives me butterflies. ♥

As I drove up, I knew right away that Willow was struggling. I could see her standing there in her pasture... just standing in the middle of the hay pile as her pasture mates grazed. Martha was at church, so I went straight out to Willow. She had thick, green liquid seeping from her mouth and nose. She was choking.

I ran back into the barn to find something to wipe Willow's face, and I ran into Tammy who boards her horse at the farm. Horse people never cease to amaze me... they always know when you need a hug.  I was visibly shaken and upset, and Tammy could see that. She hugged me and tried to reassure me, and then she gave me a clean white towel for Willow. I noticed the towel was new as she took it out of her wooden trunk, and I felt bad knowing it would surely be soiled. But there's this thing about horse lovers... they love horses. And Tammy, along with everyone else at this wonderful place, loves Willow. And she could have cared less about her clean white towel. I love horse people.

Back out in the pasture, I wiped Willow's sweet face and tried to gently massage her throat and guttural pouch the way Martha had taught me. And in between her struggles to swallow, I hugged her as I always do. But today I had a hard time hiding my sadness... and I turned into her mane and cried. I could feel that she was sad too.

When Martha returned from church, she came straight out to the pasture. It was so cold, and my feet were frozen by then. But we stood and talked for a long while. I told her that I had broken down with Tammy and that I was feeling so discouraged... and that I had cried. And I told her of what I was fearing. "Remember when I told you that horses think in pictures?" she asked.  Of course I did, and I admitted that I really didn't understand what that meant.  So she gave me an example.  She told about one of the horses at her farm... a lovely mare that was quiet and easy to ride.  Her owner, though, was very fearful and always anticipating something would spook her horse.  She was always on high alert when she rode... she would anticipate and imagine her horse to spook, and her horse would spook!  When others rode her, she never spooked.  But because this horse could feel what her rider was feeling and "see" what her rider was envisioning, she too rode on high alert and she spooked.

And it finally clicked for me...  I have to find a way not to imagine a sad fate for Willow.  I have to not let these fears creep into my mind... and especially not when I'm with her.  And moreover, I have to start imagining Willow healthy and healed... beautiful and whole.  So I did.  I closed my eyes and I imagined her grazing in a field of yellow flowers in the spring.... playing in the pasture and trotting gracefully with her head up high, like the queen she is.  And I imagined her eating and swallowing easily and effortlessly.   And I imagined riding her... I imagined that I was smiling and crying at the same time for our victory... because I know I will. Now, I know I will.

Weeping Willow...

                "Weeping Willow with tears running down, why do you always weep and frown?"     

It seems as though Willow has a choking/swallowing episode almost every time I see her now.  It's so hard not to get sad or be discouraged.  It's hard not to doubt.  And my faith fades.  Not my faith in God... but my faith that Willow will recover.  She is so much more sick than we thought originally.  We really thought by now that she'd be almost well enough for me to start riding her.  As it stands now, we aren't even going to think about that for a full year, and I really wonder if I will ever ride her as I dream to.  And I even start to wonder if she will live...  

Just typing that makes my heart hurt... makes me cry and panic.   And it makes me feel guilty for even thinking it.  Many have warned me that Willow might not make it... that I should cherish every moment with her, because she really might not live much longer.  Well, I do.  I love every moment with her regardless...  But it brings me back to my early twenties when my grandmother was sick.  I remember the last time I had lunch with her just before she died.  I knew she was sick, but had no idea she could actually die.  I was so shocked when my Dad called me crying, and I don't want to be dumbstruck like that ever again.  But will realizing I might lose her make the loss somehow more bearable? I am torn between being a skeptic and a dreamer and can't decide which is more safe. 

And if I decide to be a dreamer, because it's a happier place to be... can I stop those thoughts and fears from creeping in?  

I have witnessed great people in this world remain faithful and seemingly fearless in the face of tragedy and much loss.  And here I am, fearful even on good days... and I am so blessed.   I do realize that fear only causes suffering... more suffering.  And I know that God doesn't want this for us.  I want to be like those amazing, faithful people.  But I still struggle.  I want to be that dreamer...  I just need to find my way. 

 

Willow Video I (first six weeks)

My Friesian rescue horse, Willow. Neglected, abandoned, and struggling with choking issues and EPM... Willow is the most amazing, sweet, beautiful horse in the world. I love her with all my heart. The question remains, though, who will rescue who... ♥

I made this video of some video of Willow during our 1st few weeks together. The song is so perfect for us... I love the lyrics. (credit: Face of a Faith by Nellie McKay). The last couple scenes were from today... she was struggling and choking again. The video footage isn't great, but I wanted to document this special time with my sweet girl. And even though she is thin and lacking muscle... isn't she divine? She is so graceful and so dignified. Truly, she is a queen.

Willow & Me

I love her...

A Sad Day at Martha's Farm

I knew something was wrong before I even heard Martha's voice... I just felt it. "Shana, there isn't an easy way to tell you this..." she started... "Oh my gosh, Martha, what's wrong?"... panic and fear that something had happened to Willow. "Alice passed away during the night." Alice? Oh my gosh, poor Ada was my first thought. The big black Percheron sisters had been together since birth and were both in their late thirties. I wrote about them several posts ago because they were Willow's pasture mates at Martha's farm. Oh my gosh, poor Martha! She loves Alice and Ada... and they have been such an imporant part of Martha's farm since she helped rescue them in 1998. They had been plow horses on a large farm for years, but when the farmer passed away, they were pretty much left to fend for themselves and were found starving. There is a framed newspaper article in Martha's tackroom telling their whole story. I am learning that every horse has an incredible story... and sweet Alice's ended today.

Apparently she had fallen during the night. Martha said she found her lying flat in the morning... a hole in the wet ground where her hoof had tried so hard to pull herself up... frost on her wooly black fur. That part still breaks my heart.  The vet said that it was time, and they had to put her down. They buried her right there in the pasture. It only seemed right, Martha explained. Willow spent the entire day in one of the front pastures... She knew that it wouldn't be good for Willow  to be surrounded by such sadness, and we know that she has experienced more than her fair share of loss.

The photo above is Ada, who I know misses her dear sister...  I am thankful Willow has enjoyed these couple months with such kind souls.  Rest in peace, sweet Alice.  And extra hugs and carrots for you from now on, sweet Ada....

A sweet visit...

I had the best visit with Willow today.  She was sooo super sweet and even more affectionate than usual.  She is such an expressive horse.  Martha says she is very wise and a great communicator... and that if I am open to it, I will hear what she wants to tell me.

Today willow just wanted to be near me.  Before I could even get to her pasture gate, she looked up and started walking over to me.  When we met, she lowered her head for a scratch and then raised her head so I could hug her. There is nothing quite like a Willow hug.  I love her soft fur and the way she smells.  And she is so quiet and still as she rests her head on my shoulder.  I love that. ♥

It was a bit breezy while I was there, and at one point, Willow lowered her head way down to about my stomach level.  I'm always pushing her forlock out of her eyes, so when she lowered her head that low, I felt like she wanted me to braid it so it wouldn't constantly blow into her eyes.  So I did, and she seemed satisfied... and I think it made her look a little bit like a unicorn...  but beautiful nonetheless... :)

We spent a long while in the pasture together, walking side by side a bit, but mostly just standing close.  It was cold and her fur warmed my hands.  I scratched her neck and withers and just inside her ears (which she really loves).  And every so often, I stopped for a Willow hug.  I trust her more than I've trusted any other horse.  I know she won't do anything to scare me or hurt me...

When it was time for me to leave, I told her I had to go but would be back tomorrow.  But as I walked to the gate, she followed close behind.  "I'll be back, Willow" I kept explaining, but she kept following.  I actually had to move her back so I could open the big gate.  And once I closed it, she just stood there, with her head over the gate.... just looking at me.  She looked so sad, and I didn't want to leave her.  As much as I needed to get home, I just couldn't leave her like that.  So I walked to the gate and pleaded with her to go and graze and to be happy... and that I'd be back soon.  So I walked away again and had decided not to look back...  and then I heard her kicking and pawing at the gate!  She really is so smart. :)  Of course, I had to turn around and go back into her pasture... I guess she needed just a little more love. 

So as we visited out in her pasture again, one of the ponies started heading toward us.  She was probably just going to walk right past us to the water fountain for a drink, but when Willow saw her coming close, she did the same thing she did to the paint last week.... she charged!!!  She pinned her ears way back and charged!  Scared that poor pony half to death!  The pony ran off, and Willow trotted in a complete circle straight back to me.  She stopped just a couple inches from my face, and she looked at me at my eye level.  And there I was, face to face with my great protector... my sweet Willow.  And it was then that I finally realized that she really does love me... and that I am her person.  And I am honored...

Down by the stream...

Today when we visited Willow, she ventured off a little bit.... so we followed her down by the stream on Martha's farm.  It was full sun, but I'm glad I took this shot of her reflection because I noticed right away that if you rotate it 90 degrees to the right, it makes a heart shape!  Also, as others have noticed, in her reflection, it looks like she has an angel on her back. ♥

Photos from Willow's Past ♥

This week I was so lucky to receive two packages in the mail... one from Nancy (Willow's first owner), and one from her friend Laura who met Nancy when she bought Willow (Leona) at the Black Horse Valley Ranch one magical summer back in 1998.  Both Nancy and Laura had flown all the way to California to choose and purchase their first Friesians.  I've heard about that summer from both of them and imagine it to have been glorious and magical... so imagine my surprise when I opened both packages to find VHS tapes of the Keuring (Friesian show) from that trip!  I've heard that Nancy knew she wanted Willow (Leona) even before the show.  She was told that if she purchased her before the Keuring, she could have her for $25,000 but if she did as well as she was expected to at the Keuring that her price would double.  Nancy bought her, and at the Keuring the very next day, Leona was a star...  She earned her First Premium and was designated a "Ster" Friesian.  One of the handlers from Holland was so taken with her, that he tried to purchase her from Nancy on the spot.  Of course Nancy wouldn't part with her...  Here are some beautiful photos that Nancy was so sweet to send me, and I hope to get all four VHS tapes transfered to DVD so I can see my sweet girl shine... ♥

Isn't she amazing?  This is the first time I've seen Willow under saddle!  And I love her mane braided like this...  (Photo by Susan McAdoo)
 

Canter... Look at her!

And I can't believe this one!! This is Willow (Leona) with her filly!! This one, in particular, made me cry!! (Photo by Dana Adam)

These photos are so precious to me... I am forever grateful to Nancy, Laura, Dana, and Hayley for sharing photos from Willow's past with me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ♥ 

Protect who you love...

Something surprising happened during my visit with Willow today...

When I opened the gate to her pasture, she came right to me and out into the courtyard with me. She loves to eat the grass there and usually stays quite close to me. Sometimes she is more into neck scratches, mane braids,and affection; and other times she is really into grazing. Today she was ravenous... she even wandered a little farther from me than normal.. more toward the geldings' pasture. Well when she comes near, those guys line up at the fence to admire her (she just ignores them of course). So I decided to walk down the fence line while petting each one. After a bit, they all wandered off except for the beautful paint named Jazz. He was so friendly... He was super curious about my camera and just wanted me to keep petting him. So I hung out with him for a bit because Willow was still happily grazing. Then all of a sudden, Willow looked up at me... then at him... then back at me... then she pinned her ears way back and charged over toward him! She had her neck turned, ears totally pinned, and nose pointed right to him as she ran along the fenceline toward him. She totally scared him away! I wondered what would have happened had there not been a fence there. Michael and one of Martha's boarders saw the whole thing... we thought she must have been jealous, but before I could even finish telling Martha the story, she asserted, "Awww!! She was protecting you, Shana!! She loves you!!"

Protecting me? Somehow that seemed like the sweetest thing I'd ever heard.  Just a few days ago I wondered if I needed to protect myself... from loving her too much and setting myself up for heartbreak. And now here she was protecting me. I love this horse. I love her so much. I feel like I've known her my whole life and that she knows my soul.  I couldn't protect my heart if I tried...  and somehow, knowing that I can't is freeing.  Because I can completely love her with all my heart.

There is no room for fear...  ♥

More from Willow's past

What a wonderful suprise!  I received an email and some photos from a girl named Hayley who worked at Leah's farm for the three months Willow was there...

Hello there! 

I have been wanting to get in contact with you and say how truly happy I am that this sweet sweet mare has gotten such a great home. My name is Hayley Smith, and I hate that I never got the opportunity to meet you. I work for Mark and Leah, and was with Willow (MG to me :) ) the entire time. 

Immediately had such a connection with this sweet horse. I don't think I have ever actually seen such emotion displayed through a horse. Even though you can tell she is struggling, she is truly a warrior. Her eyes speak such sorrow, yet hope at the same time. The days that she was perked up, and nickering at me walking down the aisleway, made it all worth it. I used to spend such lengthy periods of times just watching her on days like this. Especially with her adorable fuzzy ears that just stay pricked forward, longing for attention.   

Personally, I hadn't ever experienced a horse with the medical problem that she has, and it tore me up having to watch her. I always did my best trying to comfort her through it, even if all I could do was try soothing words at her stall gate....

 Photo 1: I spent one day at work researching how to do this braid because me & Leah LOVED the appearance of it, however didn't know anything about where to start. I brought a bucket and flipped it upside down while I worked on sweet Willow. She was the most patient horse and I think I had to try at least 5 or 6 times before getting it right. She would just look at me, as though she understood what I was doing and truly appreciated it. The heart on that horse can just leap out in my text as I type. I think she will always have a piece of my heart, just the same as every other horse from that ranch. 

 Photo 2:She used to always spend her time standing on the hill. Gazing out at the other horses. She never had a buddy that she really clung to out in the field, which broke my heart. Such a lonely soul. There was one day however, that she ran up this hill as Leah & Mark turned her out. And of course, I MISSED IT! I knew in that moment though, deep down inside, that she was going to be okay. That God was going to bless her and give her everything she deserved.

You are the answer to so many prayers that I sent up for these sweet horses. Just seeing the love and affection you have through your blog shows that all of my work was well worth it. Everyday in the heat, and the cold. I wish I could really show my happiness through this email. So many emotions are brought to life just thinking of the 3  months I was lucky enough to try and help. I know that all the rest of the horses are going to be okay because of great people such as yourself for proving that the world can always be a better place.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Hayley

I have been so lucky to hear from so many people who have known and loved my sweet Willow.  Not even knowing her name or age when I bought her... or how sick she really was... it has been amazing to hear from people who knew her as Leona, and it's just as special to hear from sweet Hayley who clearly sees the same soulful, loving horse that I do.  Thank you so much, Hayley... and thank you for loving and caring for Willow as I know you and Leah did.  Please come visit her soon.   You can teach me how to make those braids, and  I know Willow would love to see you...

Vulnerable {Black Beauty & Me}

I don't know what has gotten into me.  I don't like to be sad, and I never watch sad movies.  So what made me think I could survive a sad horse movie marathon, I do not know.  First I watched Black Beauty.  I hadn't seen it in so long and had forgotten it almost entirely.  But since I started blogging about Willow, I've received many comments about our story being like the "Black Beauty" story, so I felt I needed to watch it again.  I think I cried through 90% of it.  The story was actually told by the horse, and one thing he said particularly affected me.  He said:

"We don't get to choose the people in our lives.  For us it's all chance..."

And as I watched Black Beauty being sold and resold, having no choice of his caretakers or responsibilities, being treated so poorly...  As I watched his life evolve from a life of beauty and glory to a life of suffering and shame, and then back to a life of beauty and love, I realized that Willow really is Black Beauty.  And that like him, she is so vulnerable.  It is true... she didn't get to choose me or any of the other people in her life.  But I'd like to think that she would choose me if she had a choice.  Would she choose me? 

I need to be the person for her.  I need to give her the life that she would choose...

And I realize that Willow and I are so much alike.  We are both vulnerable... and perhaps that's a good thing. ♥

 "It is through weakness and vulnerability that most of us... discover our soul."     - Desmond Tutu 

(Michael took this shot of me with Willow last week... I was so ssurprised to see the similarities when I googled "Black Beauty" yesterday.!)

I believe in miracles...

I am documenting this story for me and for Willow... My hope is that what I gain from journaling my thoughts will help me learn and grow and heal... and in doing that, I will be better for Willow.  I long to be less fearful, more positive, more patient, more faithful, more trusting, and more present.   I know that is best for her...  as I am understanding more and more how sensitive and connected horses really are.  I know I have a lot to learn about horses.  I admit that I am not perfect, so sometimes along the way I might get discouraged (like I was yesterday).  I know, though, to try not to internalize or share those feelings with Willow.  I talk to her in a sweet, upbeat voice... I call her "Pretty Girl" or "Beauty" and my love for her is so strong, that I know she can feel it.  And when I am feeling discouraged, I know who to turn to to life my spirits.  The emails, letters, and comments I've received have  been so encouraging and supportive... they lift me up too.  Thank you so much for every single one...

I shared my feelings with Martha, Nancy (Willow's 1st owner), and Leah (who first rescued Willow)... and I was amazed at how beautiful and similar their responses were:

From Leah:
"Hey Shana, don't fret, everything will be okay. There's a huge difference between what usually happens and what happens when there's a miracle going on. Too much of this story points to the latter. Have faith, it WILL work for the best. And that's what I believe"

From Martha:
"This is a place of hope and healing. God has put people and horses in my life for a reason, and He has opened my eyes to see what they really need.  I have rehabbed horses that even the vets had given up on.  God has brought them to me and this farm.  Miracles do happen, and I truly believe Willow is going to be well..."

From Nancy:
"I do know what you mean dear friend. But I believe in miracles. Perhaps the Lord will not see fit to make Willow whole until she joins Him in heaven. BUT, perhaps in SPITE of the choices evil people made for her and because of the love of one good person that came to save her, He will make her whole while still on earth. There is only one thing I KNOW for CERTAIN and that is an angel came to save her and to love and care for her. Shana she knows the depth of your love....she can sense it with all her queenly being. You are the love of her life, even if her life is not going to be totally well. Her life is GOOD...because of YOU! I literally would give my own life to make her well. I feel so bad I ever sold her. But, all I can do is love her from afar.... YOU are her love, her life, her very being. You are the dearest of the dear and I so wish none of this has caused you pain.I stand beside you Shana in anyway I can. Sending you love and hugs, Nancy

And there have been so many beautiful comments that have touched my heart - here are just a couple...

From Eden:
"I have been where you are. The fear of what you'll find at the barn- the insecurity of not knowing if you'll know how to fix her...I know how hard it is. Take comfort in knowing that you've already saved her- if you lose her tomorrow...you saved her. You'll be in my prayers."

 From Michelle:
"Thank you for sharing your story of Willow. The two of you are magic and you inspire me - Willow's courage and your devotion to her. Choose each moment you have together to be filled with love. If you are blessed with minutes, days or years make the most of them. She is a gift, her life full of lessons and her love pure ... bath yourself in her love. She is a gift from God and I would trust in a plan far greater than yourself."

Thank you, thank you all so much for warming my heart and renewing my faith....  I know I can do this.  I can believe in this miracle.  Afterall, it's happening before my eyes...

Discouraged...

Like everyone else, I have loved and I have lost.  But it seems that the times I have loved the hardest- the times that I loved without reservation- were the times that I always lost.  And that has scared me. I think I am almost afraid to fully love... to give 100% of myself.  It's so risky, and it makes me too vulnerable.  So I protect myself by holding back... or by building a wall around my heart... or by burying myself in my work to distract me from any true depth of feeling.

How fast and hard I have fallen in love with Willow has surprised me.  I felt almost an instant connection with her... I feel like I know her soul and her heart.  She is the quiet and the gentle that I need.  And when I am with her, everything else fades away.  She makes me want to be better... more loving, more patient, more trusting, less fearful.... more faithful.  I have believed Martha when she has told me that Willow will get better... that she will be whole and healthy again one day. That she will feel better in the spring, and that I will start riding her in the summer...    I dream of putting blossoms in her mane and riding her on the trails along the river on sunny days...

Last night I spoke with someone who really knows Friesians... I was so happy to learn that she was able to rescue one of the others that was abandoned with Willow.  She told me that she visited that awful place about a year ago.  She said there were 70 horses there, and that there was one person left behind to try to care for them.  She, however, wasn't doing a good job.  The horses were fighting and breeding in the fields... they were thin and dirty.  There wasn't enough clean water... the situation was bad even back then.  She remembered seeing Willow there.  I think she told me what she did in hopes of protecting me somehow...  but she told me that she doubted that Willow would ever get her muscle back... that she had lost her stifles and would likely never be sound enough for me to ride again.  And she also told me that most Friesians don't live very long lives... even the healthy ones don't.  Was she trying to warn me that Willow didn't have much longer to live?  

And then I felt it.  I actually felt my heart starting to close up...   I am so so afraid of losing her.  Was I so caught up in all of this that I haven't yet realized that I could lose her?  Or that I will lose her one day... ? 

I recognize that I feel the desperate need to protect myself...  and I don't like it.

Willow's choking and swallowing problems seem to have gotten worse since we started her on the EPM medicine, and I have been hearing more and more stories of horses that haven't survived EPM... especially when they have had it as long as Willow has likely been affected.  The starvation, the EPM, and the paralysis that causes the choking... Is it just too much?  I don't know...  I don't know.  But I know I love her...

I am just feeling so discouraged.  Afraid... and so so sad... 

A New Friend

This is Abigail, one of the sweet barn cats at Martha's farm.  I've always thought there was something so special about cats and horses together.... I love that I was able to capture this moment, because honestly I think Abigail was actually listening to Willow.  I'm so glad Willow has a new friend. ♥

The most amazing gift...♥

After an emotional afternoon, I opened my email to find the most amazing gift... photos of Willow from long ago!  Dana Adams had promised to find some for me, but I hadn't expected them this soon...  and I certainly wasn't prepared for how emotional I would be... or how magnificent she really was.... 

Dana took this at one of her Keurings (shows).   From what I hear, she was the star of the show...  and the most beautiful by far.  To see her this way... round and healthy... gives me such hope. Though now she is a mere shell of what she once was, I still see the same beauty in her...  Thank you so much, Dana!  I was actually on the phone with Martha when I opened the email and saw this photo.  I lost my breath, and I couldn't speak.  I smiled and cried at the same time... you know that kind of cry that almost hurts because you are smiling so big.  I  forwarded the photo to Martha and told her to check her email.  And for the 2nd time today, I made Martha cry...

Martha cried...

While getting ready to go visit Willow, I got a call from Martha... "Shana, she's choking.  I'm out in the pasture with her...".  So I jumped in the car and headed out there.  My mind and heart were heavy already.... as I had just heard from Nancy (one of Willow's previous owners).  I didn't want Nancy to hear of Willow's EPM diagnosis elsewhere so I had written to inform her.  Upon hearing the news, she wrote back:

"That is what Aileen died of... she was the other mare that was with Leona, Stryder and Veritas. .... Thank God, you have her and are giving her such wonderful care...I just know this will be another hurdle, but your love, prayers and wonderful care will bring her through this. .... I just KNOW Willow is going to be fine...she has endured to much and now her guardian angel has saved her and she will be with you for a good long time. I do thank you for letting me know...God Bless you..."

Aileen?  Another mare?  EPM?  Died?  

Nancy shared the entire story she had heard from her old vet... and then Nancy told me more.   I just pray that God heals Nancy's broken heart.  None of this is her fault...

When I got to Martha's farm, I found her with Willow in her pasture.  She had a damp, white towel on her arm and she was working on Willow's throat...  trying to help her swallow the food she was choking on.  I always have to  remind myself that horses can still breathe when they are choking, and I have to try to make myself calm down because I still get so upset to see Willow struggling.  As Martha worked, I attempted to comfort Willow by rubbing her and telling her softly how much I love her. As she struggled, and coughed grass colored saliva, Martha carefully took the white towel from her right arm and sweetly wiped Willow's nose and mouth.  This touched me so much.  She did this in the same loving way you would wipe your fever stricken child's forehead...  I would have told Martha how much that meant to me (and how it will likely always stay with me) if I could have spoken without crying.  I was trying so hard not to cry for Willow...

Willow & Martha

Willow started feeling better sooner than normal.  I hope that her episodes continue that trend.  But we stayed with her for a while longer, and I told Martha about my conversation with Nancy.  I was still in shock myself, but when Martha heard there had been another starving mare with Willow abandoned at that old farm;  that sadly, she didn't make it... that she had EPM and that she had died before the horses were rescued, Martha looked up at me.  And she cried.

Martha is so strong, and I know it takes a lot to make her cry.  I think she was crying for Willow.  The other mare, Aileen, had probably been Willow's mate.  Martha told me that this may have had a profound impact on Willow...  and that because Willow couldn't speak, who knows the pain and sickness that manifested...  Then I remembered something Martha had told me weeks ago... "We are not bodies with souls.... We are souls with bodies.  Long ago, before Adam and Eve, I believe animals could speak to people...  but then their voices were taken away.  I believe animals go to heaven and that they have souls.  I believe Willow has something to say, and you need to learn to hear her..."   

How I wish I could hear her....

More from Willow's Past

Today I heard from Dana Adams... yet another person who knew Willow long ago.... her words brought me to tears:

"Shana, Leona (Willow) is a one of a kind....her beauty knows no bounds. I was horrified, heartsick, and angry beyond words when Nancy (I call her "Mom" even though she isn't really my mother she has treated me way better than the real thing) told me about the horses. I have worked with her and all her horses since she had Paints. Each and every horse to ever set foot on that farm was loved unconditionally. Leona was always especially so....she and Nanco were always my favorite photo subjects. I am so so happy she has you for a mom now, I just don't understand how anyone could hurt any of them (or really what kind of sick person hurts any animal really) but they especially have always been such sweet souls. And yes I meant what I said that woman had better never let me find her, she better pray the authorities find her first because I won't be so kind.

Shana thank you for taking care of her. I haven't had the courage to look at your site, my friend who also knew her, looked at it and told me about the details and what you had done for her. She didn't think I should see the photos of her quite yet either, but I will go through my old photos and find what I can for you. I did see her photo when I went to your FB page I did not click on her shot of the two of you fully, though I did see it. The photo of you two together brought tears to my eyes. But that is the beautiful face and soulful eye I always loved! The one of you hugging her neck is gorgeous as well. I would know that head, eye and ear anywhere!

Again Thanks so much! God Bless and Merry Christmas!
PS...she LOVES peppermints.... "

I love to hear that others can see in her what I do... her sweetness, her beauty, her soulfulness...   and of course, I had already figured out that Willow loved peppermings (shhh... don't tell Martha)! ♥

A Story from Willow's past ♥

Another surprise today... I got a message from one of Nancy's friends (Laura). Laura was actually with Nancy when she purchased Willow (Leona C) from Black Horse Valley Ranch in California in 1998. Here is what she wrote to me:

Dear Shana,

When I met Willow in 1998 in CA, it was during the Keuring, or judging, time. She was so beautiful and sweet, also a bit of a diva, so proud. She was stunning in her Keuring, with her flowing mane and wonderful gaits, and she got the highest rating, 1st Premium Ster. We met her sire, Lukas 324, an especially sweet stallion. Nancy and I bonded that weekend, and have been best friends ever since, even though we live far apart. We exchange a lot of horse stories and one of my favorites is the one of Willow and the clicker training. Friesians, are very expressive and tend to use their feet, (pawing) a lot, when they want something. Nancy had a friend who was a big clicker training fan, and said she could get Willow to stop pawing when tied in the aisle way. Nancy, smiling to herself, said to go ahead and try. So the friend had some treats ready, and when Willow stopped pawing for a moment, clicked the clicker, said "Good girl" and treated her. This went on for a couple of times and the friend thought she was really "training" Willow. But Willow was training the friend!! She would paw, then pause, and get her treat! When the friend turned to leave, Willow pawed really hard, paused when the friend turned to look at her, like "Well, where's the treat? !! 

I hope this little story and the visual it can conjure up, gives you a little smile today. I'm so glad you have her and are giving her a chance. You're a beautiful person inside and out and your love will nurture beautiful Velvet Willow. I also hope your little girl is doing better today.

Laura 

Is that not the cutest story?  Well of course it made me smile, and laugh, and cry... because it is so her.  She still paws at the ground like that (though mostly out of frustration when she is struggling to swallow or choking)...  but it helps so much to have that visual.  Sweet Laura also offered to send me a VHS tape of Leona at one of her Keuring shows!  I will have it made into a DVD so Nancy, Laura and I can all have a copy... I can't wait!!   (Thank you Laura!) ♥

Diagnosis...

Martha called today... she said she had just heard some news from Dr. Hawthorne.  Willow tested positive for EPM.  Equine protozoal myeloencephalitis is debilitating disease cause by a protozoal infection of the central nervous system of horses. This would explain Willow's severe muscle loss and atrophy (which was worsened by her neglect) and probably other issues she has as well... maybe even her choking.  She has already started treatment which will last for 3 months.  She will also be supplemented with Vitamin E and Selenium (in addition to everything else we have her on).  The accupuncture and Myofascial therapy should help too.  We are avoiding the most aggressive treatments at this time, simply because Willow is so frail, and her immune system so weak.  Martha, Dr. Hawthorne, and Dr. Kimmons all remain hopeful that Willow can recover from this... that next year, she will be a different horse (to which I always say, I don't want a different horse... just a healthy one). ♥

The good news is, though it appears she has had EPM for a long time, Willow has soft, kind, bright eyes. Miraculously, she isn't spooky or distant like so many affected horses are. Yes, she is a sweetheart, but she is also a fighter... ♥

A Package from Nancy

I knew it was coming, but I was still so happy to see the package from Nancy in my mailbox.  Expecting only a laminated registration paper, I was excited to find a beautiful horse calender and a handwritten three page letter along with Willow's pedigree.  I cried as I read her heartfelt words..."Dear, dear Shana... How I think God for you. I am so happy Leona / Willow has such a wonderful loving home now....."  She went on to explain how she is "so overwhelmed with grief at that this dear animal has had to endure" that she cannot stop crying and can't bear to even look at my blog...    Her daughter will be keeping up on the blog until Willow looks much better so Nancy can endure seeing her photos.  Even more proof that Willow was loved very much for at least 10 years of her life. Aside from the past three months when she being cared for by Leah, the 4 years before that are a mystery.  And honestly, I don't think I even want to know what happened to her and exactly how long she was left with a heard of other horses, starving and wasting away...   it really is heart breaking to imagine.

Willow's pedigree from the Netherlands was so fun to look at.  Since it was not written in English, I couldn't read all the words; but it was fun to look at the names and designations in her ancestry...  her Sire (father) is Lukas, and her Dam (mother) is Meike.   I like her Dam's Dam's name (her grandma lol)... "Fannie" and her great grandmother's name was "Happy". ♥   I don't know much about showing Friesians or anything about their Keurings (show tests) but Willow is designated "Ster" which means "Star" and has a 1e premie and a 2e premie (I think those are both very good).  Nancy told me she was the star of all the shows...  and in her letter, she offered to send me photos of her!  I really can't wait to see those.  To see a healthy, nourished Willow would be so good for me- I"d have an image to hold on to when I imagine her once she's healed.  I also know Willow's birthday.. it's April 20th. ♥

Thank you, sweet Nancy... not only for the beautiful letter and her pedigree... but thank you for loving Willow.  I look forward to the day you come to visit her, and I know she will be so happy to see you. ♥

Don't mess with her.

I have met so many loving, kind, beautiful people in the horse world... but I have been disappointed yet again. While out having a sweet visit with willow, I was told of a woman "big in the Friesian world" who was claiming it was well known in the Friesian community that Willow was a stolen horse. Of course, when I heard this, I went into panic mode.... I knew so very little of Willow's past. And although we trust and adore Leah and Mark, what if they had been lied to and the people who supposedly owned her had stolen her? We know they let her be neglected to the point of nearly starving to death, so could it be that they had stolen her and then lied to Leah and Mark? So I immediately called Leah. I was shaking and crying when I told her what I had just heard. She was so calm and assured me that she would find some way to prove that it wasn't the case. While waiting, I went and found the woman who said she had heard that Willow was stolen. She described many "red flags in the Friesian community" regarding how I came upon my new horse... I asked her who the woman with "connections" was and she pulled up their conversation on her cell phone. After reading the entire conversation, it was so obvious to me that these two women WERE the source of this new rumor. The main "red flag" it seemed was that "Mountain Girl" wasn't a legit Friesian name... and that her price of $5,000 was just WAY too low for a horse of her "Ster" designation. Well, as I explained to this nosy woman, "Mountain Girl" was the nickname Leah had for my horse... it wasn't her registered Friesian name. I also had to remind this woman that Willow was a VERY sick horse (and not a very young horse either)... and that many people wouldn't want her at any price given the thousands of dollars it would take to care for her (and that she likely would always be ill). By their conversation, I could tell that these two nosy, trouble making women had conjured up this whole thing and had convinced themselves that she must be a stolen horse. And then they proceeded to tell someone very close to me that she was!

After a while, I heard back from Leah. She was able to find out who Willow's first owner was (the one who sold her and the others to the people who neglected her). Her name is Nancy, and Leah called her to explain what was going on. Nancy cried when Leah described the state in which she found Willow and the other beautiful Friesians. Leah gave me her number, and I called her... Nancy was horrified and grief stricken. I was so grateful to talk to her as Willow was mostly a mystery to me. Aside from her having a cyst removed (under the care of Leah), a problem swallowing food & choking, a Friesian "Ster" brand of "F S" on her neck, and of course the fact that she had been neglected and abandoned to starve to death, I really knew NOTHING about her. Through her tears, Nancy told me that her name was Leona. She was born in California in 1995. And miraculously, Nancy still had her paperwork and would mail it to me. I assured Nancy that I was committed to loving and taking care of this sweet horse. Nancy was so sweet, so I told her that it was obvious Willow was so sweet because of her love. "No," answered Nancy, "... she was born that way. She is the sweetest horse in the world." Yes, she sure is.  And you know, maybe the Vulture story is right...  something good was born from this bad experience...  I got to talk to Nancy and learn more about Willow... what a gift...

I then went home and googled one of the women (the one "big" in the Friesian world)... turns out she is a Friesian breeder herself... well of course she doesn't like to see a Friesian sold for $5k.. even one who is sick and starved.  When I mentioned TK's name to Leah, she told me that this same woman actually contacted her about Willow. She posed as a potential buyer... Leah told her that she had gone to a loving home, and then TK wrote back demanding to know where this horse came from, etc. She totally harassed the very people that saved my horse's life!! What I don't get is why these women were investigating my horse (or trying to) when it is so clear that she is where she belongs... where she is being loved and completely cared for. She is under the care of Martha and her team, Dr. Hawthorne, Dr. Kimmons, and various others. She is being fed the best food for her and supplemented with vitamins and minerals. She is receiving numerous therapies, including Myofascial and Acupuncture. And mostly, she is being showered with love. Unless someone knew of a Friesian mare that was stolen, WHY would they cause me so much heart ache and trouble? Nothing better to do, ladies? How about praying for this sweet horse... or better yet, rescue a horse yourself as there are SO many that need rescuing. But leave MY horse alone.  Don't go causing trouble where there isn't any. I have enough heartache already.